for my firstborn

My favorite picture ever of Sidney sleeping, whens she was a little over 1 1/2 years old. 

I feel so sorry for my big girl sometimes - there are days when she gets the short end of the stick from me, and it's not fair to her. I have too much on my plate, too many demands that have to be met first, before I can play with her or cuddle with her or read to her. I try to squeeze in those precious little moments with her as much as possible, but I have to be honest and admit that sometimes these moments just slip by.

The other night, after I put her down for bed, she called out to me and wanted me to come cuddle with her. I was just trying to get Rhealen down to sleep and by the time I got the little girl in bed, the big one had already fallen asleep. I felt so bad for her - all she wanted from me was a little cuddle and I couldn't get done with my "have to" list in order to make her "want to" list a reality.

I climbed in bed beside her and immediately began to cry.

Normally these kind of things don't get to me; I'm realistic and I know that things like this happen. I can't be everywhere all the time. And I make it a priority to have plenty of one-on-one time with her; it's just that usually I have more one-on-one time with Rhealen by default. And it isn't fair to Sidney, even if those are the circumstances that are, to an extent, out of my hand right now.

I put my arm around her, felt her chest rise and fall, and just stared at that perfect little round face - the same face I first looked at over four years ago. And I felt so guilty - guilty that she's here with me and I'm here with her. And that night, and every other night, there are children going to sleep without an arm around them. And there are women and men falling to sleep without babies to fill their own arms.

And I've never done anything in my life to deserve these girls.

Yet here they are, and they're mine. And I love them more than words can ever describe. I get so caught up in the everyday grind, the day in/day out of our lives that I miss so many little moments. I miss my own love for them, so much sometimes that it hits me all at once and I can't help but feel everything for them all at once. My heart is so full, it hurts. Literally, hurts.

I am so blessed, so lucky, so grateful, so in love. I hope they both feel that love when I can't give them more of me, most of me, all of me.