Finally, A Son

"You finally got your boy!"
"I'm so happy it's a boy this time."
"Justin must be so happy it's a boy."

I heard it all when I was pregnant - and it was all true. We did finally get a boy. Everyone, Justin included,  was so happy it was a boy on that sonogram. I was over the moon excited, and I felt more complete knowing a little dude was coming into our family. I always knew I was meant to have a son, felt it in my bones, even told Justin about it when we decided two was enough and we weren't going to have any more. I'm missing someone, I'm missing my boy. 

And of course, it wasn't like that with everyone. There were a lot of people who were just as excited for our first girl and second girl as we were, but no more excited for our first boy than the other two. We got a lot of "as long as it's healthy, that's all that matters" from a lot of different people. And I wish more people were like that. 

Why does our society treasure sons over daughters? What makes people think that a man needs a son to be completely happy? Of course, I'm sure Justin is over the moon he has a son, and his bond with Jaxon will be different than it is with either Sidney or Rhealen - I know all my ties to my children are different, stemming from the same place but woven uniquely for each child. I love them the same and differently still. And I don't let their birth order rank them in any way. 

But I'm glad Jaxon is the youngest, the little man in our girl-dominated clan. I hope his sisters can infuse a lot of their girlishness into him to help combat with the constant macho-fuel that will be thrown at Jax. Living where we do, in this day and age of ours, boys and girls are clearly defined as strong and weak, blue and pink. We're moving closer and closer to gender neutrality, but we still have so far to go. I want my girls to be confident as women and strong in their identity, and I want a son who feels empowered as a man and knows his place in the world. But I also want children who are empathetic and loving and open to the world around them. I want them to look at people and interact with the world as true individuals, who cross boundaries and break stereotypes. I don't want them defined as man or woman, but human. 

To this day, as much as I like to think I've grown and opened my eyes to the world around me, I still struggle with sexism and gender identity. I still fall prey to the stereotypes - I admit I am in no way perfect. 

Why is it so easy to dress Rhealen in a green T-Rex shirt or Sidney in camo, but I find myself hesitating to put Jaxon in a turquoise blue onesie with fuschia lettering? 

Why am I like that? Every time a thought like that crosses my mind, I want to kick myself - get over yourself, I scream internally. This is the kind of thinking I want to stay away from, and yet, it's ingrained in me. It's how I was raised, how I've learned to define boy and girl. And that needs to change. I need to change. A girl is not a tomboy just because she likes male-oriented things and a boy is not a sissy because he likes female-oriented things. THIS LOGIC IS INSANE! 

I know I can't change the world, but I can start with me. And I can start with my children. And maybe 100 years from now, little boys can play with Barbies without fear of embarrassment or being teased. Maybe little girls can grow up knowing they can do anything a boy can do, because there won't be these lines. Everything will be equal, free for all and all for everyone. It's good to know your place in the world, to find your identity and be confident in who you are as a person - I just hope my kids don't look to their genders as the cornerstone of that confidence or self-worth. 

And I wish the rest of the world would get on board, too, while we're at it.