I talk a lot about what it's like for me to raise "babies" and how stressful it can be parenting our "toddler", but lately I haven't really touched on the subject of parenting our TOTALLY GROWN UP ADULT-KID six-year-old. 

I guess I just feel more comfortable with myself and my experience parenting babies/toddlers -- if this makes any sense at all, the baby stage is one I've done three (soon to be four) times over. I've managed to successfully complete that birth->10 months phase (seeing as Jaxon is ten months old now) -- I feel confident that I can do that part, easy as pie. 

Having a six-year-old is new territory -- she's the oldest, the firstborn. Everything with her at this point is a brand-new experience, and sometimes, it's just overwhelming! Not always a bad overwhelming, mind you, just exhausting with its information and education and experience -- parenting never stops, and if you allow it to happen, it will change the way you do/see/feel everything forever, every second of every single day for the rest! of! your! life!

I will admit I have a lot of guilt relating to Sidney at the moment; I feel a lot of anxiety, and I'm really struggling to find my balance with her at the moment. She's reached that age where she's quite independent in a lot of ways, but I still feel incredibly responsible for doing a majority of things for her. I'm constantly trying to figure out what things she can (and rightfully should!) do for herself on her own without feeling like a monster mom for putting too much on her. 

(For example: I usually dress Sidney every day of her life. Every clothing item. It never really occurred to me that she could do it on her own or that maybe I should stop doing it for her until Justin pointed it out to me -- you know, "she's six years old! stop putting on her socks for her!" kind of thing)

I guess what I'm trying to say here is I have a really hard time accepting the fact that my baby is not a baby anymore -- and I'm struggling with the transition as a mother, for sure. I definitely want her to be self-sufficient and capable and helpful and a hundred other "big girl" things, but I also want her to be little and need me for everything. I want her to see that doing things on her own for herself is not a "punishment", something she definitely struggles with. She doesn't see the fair side of me doing so much for Rhealen or Jaxon and then asking her to do so much for herself. 

AND I GET THAT. 

I struggle with that concept, too, honestly! I remind Sidney all the time, "when the little ones are older they will do these things, too. They will clean up after themselves. They will carry their own bags. They will, they will, they will, I promise!" But I see her side of it, too; I know how unfair it must feel, and the last thing I want in the world is to breed resentment among my children. 

Am I insane? Tell me honestly. 

I'm an only child, so again, I really struggle with the dynamics of siblings -- it's one of those things I don't think you can truly understand unless you've lived it. I do my best and try to take in all the advice I can. What things  can I do to help Sidney gain even more independence? How do I handle my guilt asking her to do so much for herself when her siblings aren't on the same level as she is, and I know she feels it's "not fair, Mom!"?

Believe me, I'm open to suggestions here!

*****

She is the one I dread waking each morning - the one who greets the day with piss and vinegar and a total disdain for the rising sun. 

She is curled in a ball some mornings, her legs tucked up under her small body, little bare toes peeking out from underneath her bottom. Some mornings she is scattered, sprawled in a half dozen different directions of tangled legs and arms and hair. 

She is warm and pink and has the slightest smell of sweet candy about her, candy that was no doubt eaten in her bed, in the dark, in the last moments before bedtime. 

The little thief. The sneaky one. The sleeping tornado. 

I try and try to coax her awake, gently calling her name at first, soft and loving and full of hope that maybe this is the morning she'll wake up full of sunshine and butterflies. 

Silence. 

So I call again, a little louder. And then a little louder. And a little more sternly. Until finally, I'm yelling her name and cursing her morning habits and thinking why can't she be more like her siblings? 

But she isn't. No matter how much I wish or will it to be, she just isn't my morning glory child. She is ill and cantankerous and grouchy and all the old adjectives used to describe a slumbering bear or "old coot". 

She is vile, a true morning grinch, through and through. 

But while she sleeps, in those last few moments before she wakes up, she is peaceful. She is angelic. She is perfectly golden in the early morning light. 

I kiss her cheeks and lips. I feel her chest rise and fall, watch her legs and arms stretch and retreat. I brush the hair from her forehead, kneel down beside her bed and take her close to my heart once more. I remind myself she is perfect as she is, and these quirks make her just so. 

All of this personality and spunk will serve her well - she will grow into the human being she is meant to be, flaws and all, and these little fits of spirit that fight against my temper almost daily will one day prove to be what makes her.

In the moments of fit and rage, I try to remember her as the sleeping toddler. Perfectly content in her bed, surrounded by a dozen blankets and pillows and toys. I envision her deep in her dreams and picture her soul as calm as the sea. 

In those moments, I know she is happy - she is at peace with the storm within her. I thank my lucky stars she is mine. I feel so honored to be guiding her and to be guided by her. I do my best to mold and teach her daily, but in the usual way, it is she who teaches me.

My sleeping tornado. My Rhealen Jo. 

Aw Naw

I know it was just a couple weeks ago I shared some other country music videos -- but here I am again! Doing the same thing!

I know I've stated it before a million and one times, but I have really ecclectic mood swings when it comes to music. I like a lot of different genres and artists, and I'm really not very discriminatory when it comes to my musical preferences. If I like, I like it. I don't push the thought process too far beyond that.

And it seems to me I go through musical swings -- I'll be into country for awhile, then pop, then rock. And while I'm in the middle of those swings, I still listen to all the other genres out there. I never limit myself! 

And yes, right now I seem to be on a bit of a country upswing at the moment. Some of it, I'm really loving -- and some of it I'm really hating.

Chris Young is one of those artists I've been listening to a lot lately -- particularly this little twang filled ditty:

And while I adore "Aw Naw" I can't stand this one by Luke Bryan (which some people say is rather similar). 

Just, no. I guess there really is no rhyme or reason when it comes to my musical tastes. I just happen to like what I like. 

Any songs on your radar at the moment that you're loving? It doesn't have to be country, believe me, I'll listen to anything...once :)

Jaxon - Month 10

10 months old! Double-digits, baby! Look at our boy grow :)

Seriously, this kid is just the best ever -- he's the happiest little fella, which is quite the turnaround from his first few months. I used to dread to see the setting sun, as I knew it'd be the start of Jaxon's nightly cry/scream routine. No more! Those days are long gone, thankfully.

These days, Jaxon sleeps 7-6 (he lost an hour of that blessed 12-hour stretch with the time change) and always ALWAYS wakes up in the happiest of moods. I've never seen this kid get up in a cranky mood -- he's a smiling, blossoming guy who just wants to start the day out with a smile (and a warm bottle of milk!)

At his nine-month checkup (which was actually sometime between month 9 and 10) he was just shy of 22 lbs and caught up on almost all of his milestone developments (being a "preemie" by technicality, they keep tabs on him) -- his babysitter is constantly reporting on all his daily activity, so we keep a watchful eye out to make sure he's not lagging behind in any areas. I'm very proud to say, he's right on track to where he needs to be, and in my opinion, ahead of the curve in a few areas! 

And we have a fully mobile baby -- this little dude can crawl from one end of the house to the other in record time. He loves to creep into his sisters' room after his morning bottle to help me wake them up :) He's pulling up on all the furniture, and he's already had his share of bumps and bruises from falling face-down. He has such a desire to walk, even though he's barely mastered the art of the crawl. It won't be too long, though, no matter how long I try to discourage him...

Although I like to think I'm still Jaxon's favorite person in the whole wide world, he's started to take an interest in the menfolk around him. I can tell he's going to be a guy's guy -- all boy, through and through, it's kind of funny to see those tendencies pop up so early in his life. I can already see him following his daddy into the garage or up into the woods to do manly things together (and I know Justin is counting down the days 'til Jax is old enough to join him!) 

It's bittersweet to think we'll be celebrating his first birthday in just a few short weeks -- two months will fly by (they always do when it's holiday time!) and our sweet fella will be ONE! We have no idea how to plan a birthday party for a baby with a winter birthday (both the girls have summer birthdays!) -- it's going to be interesting to see how his birthdays go. I feel kind of bad for him having a birthday so close to Christmas and in such a potentially dreary-weather month. 

Good thing he's his own little ray of sunshine wherever he goes :)

Thriving vs Surviving

Previously, I touched on the subject of finding my groove, especially when it comes to our morning and night routines. With the recent time change, that groove has been shaken up, so while we're still in the middle of readjusting, things are getting closer to what I would call our new normal. 

Part of this new normal means I've been working really hard to get in bed as early as possible and soak up every second of sleep while I can. With the impending arrival of another baby, I know sleep is precious at this point, and I don't want to waste any of it, as selfish as that sounds! :)

With an earlier bedtime, I'm finding it easier to get up with Jaxon and his new wake-up time of 6:00 AM (thank you ever so much, daylight savings time!) -- it's even given me the opportunity to spend a few extra minutes with Justin, seeing as how he tries to be out the door by 5:30 when he can, but sometimes stumbles around and doesn't leave 'til 6:00. That's an especially nice bonus because he's been working 14 hour days here lately, and it's really hard not spending any time with him -- I know the kids miss him, even though the girls would probably never admit it!

All of this is to say, I am the primary parent to our kids most of the time -- they spend the majority of their day with me, and I'm the sole person responsible for making sure they're ready in the morning and put to bed at night. It can be exhausting, for sure, and some days it does start to feel like more of a chore than a delight. I'm doing my best to really try to be present in each moment with my kids (no matter how mundane they may be) because this is my life, the life I've wanted and chosen and dreamed of. These are my kids, all four of these little rascals, and as chaotic and wild as it can be, these are my moments to enjoy. 

Sure, bath time can be monotonous, and no one enjoys changing a diaper for the 100th time (it seems) that day -- but even these little moments present opportunities to relish and enjoy. I try to remind myself to enjoy all of it -- even when the kids are screaming and I've stuck my hand in the messy diaper and supper is boiling over on the stove and there's homework to be done and bedtime was supposed to be thirty minutes ago. It's easy to lose sight of the joy a large family can bring when you're in those moments -- and it's even easier to just whisk through all of it on autopilot. 

So much of parenting is a checklist of cleaning, feeding, organizing, refereeing, over and over, day after day. It gets old quick...if you let it. 

I'm doing my best to not let it be just a checklist, but more of a bucket list that's never ending, always repeating but with new items, new moments to treasure and keep. Every day is a new list, a clean slate, the fresh opportunity to do the best I can and enjoy all of it to the best of my ability. 

Absolutely, I fail. I get lost in the shuffle, and I complain to my mom and other mom-friends (and to Twitter) about how HARD this is -- because it is hard, and I'm exhausted and the kids are just wiiiiiiild. That's life, that's my everyday normal, and I know there are going to be plenty more days like that. Momma said there'd be days like this....

I just remind myself, it's all in how I choose to handle it -- and for most of the days, I like to think I choose joy. I choose to enjoy and thrive, not just survive.

And I hope these little tykes know just how much their momma adores them! 

Tweetsie

A few Sundays ago, Gran & Pops loaded us ladies up and took off to Blowing Rock, NC to visit Tweetsie Railroad -- we tried to go once before earlier in the summer, but the rain stopped us before we ever even made it to the park.

This time, it only rained for about the first five minutes we were there, and then we enjoyed nothing but clear skies and mild temps the entire day! 

As you can see, the girls obviously had a blast -- I'd highly recommend Tweetsie Railroad to any family in the region looking for a great little getaway!


***A funny little sidenote: Sidney insisted she and Rhealen wear their tye-dye t-shirts -- every year, my mom's third grade class takes a field trip to Tweetsie and make their own shirts to wear for the trip. Most years, Sidney gets to tag along, too, and she always makes her own shirt (Rhealen got a shirt made, too, even though she didn't go on the field trip) -- it was just too cute that Sidney was so insistent they wear their "field trip" shirts that day, too :)

Halloween 2013

Hooray, the rain held off! We were able to do a little trick-or-treating under perfect conditions with three happy little grublets who all seemed to have a good time :)

Our Draculaura, witch and dalmatian were too cute for words and behaved even sweeter than they looked! Sidney wanted to trick-or-treat at the speed of light, often running ahead of little Rhealen by about 20 steps -- but Rhealen didn't seem to mind. She tried to swap out candy at every house, offering something from her bucket in exchange for new candy :) Jaxon was perfectly happy just hanging out in the back seat of our new (to us!) stroller, eating M&Ms and cheese puffs. That white costume didn't stay very white for too long...

We made it to about 30 or so houses before Jaxon (and my pregnant self) hit "the wall" and then we were done in an instant -- we had as much fun as we could int the hour or so we made it -- and we wouldn't have been able to coordinate or pull off any of it successfully without my wonderfully sweet mom and step-dad. They made it work for us working parents, we just love them!

And a wonderful Halloween was had by all -- we're already looking forward to next year and FOUR little costumed kiddos to chase around :)