Happy Birthday, Toby Fields Gilliam!

TOBY IS ONE!

Happy first birthday to my last-born, my baby. He's been in our lives for 365 days, and every single one of them has been a delight (minus a few bumps along the way, naturally) -- we're eternally grateful for his safe delivery into this chaotic world and for the surprise of a lifetime.

We had planned for a little Jameson Ruth, a little girl to complete our circle -- and when he showed up as a screaming, pink 6 lbs. baby boy, our hearts exploded and all the pieces fell together perfectly. It was a delight, a treat, living proof that sometimes science fails and surprises can happen to anyone. In this day and age, I feel like there aren't many mysteries left in life; Toby is proof that we don't know everything. We can still be humbled by our expectations. His entire life is a legacy to the illusion of knowledge and the beauty of unexpected surprises. 

I love this fella more than words; he was unplanned and unexpected, but he's never been unloved or unappreciated. He's a gift, the sweetest gift in the world, and he's one-year-old. His first year marked a year of lasts for our family; there'll be no more of our children's "first" milestones. It's bittersweet, but also welcome -- our family has finished expanding and will now continue only to grow. We will nourish what we have, feed and love and support our little buds to help them bloom. 

Hopefully, we've given Toby a wonderful first year of life -- I know, without a doubt, he has filled our year with immense love, pride, and joy. 365 days of bliss! 

Happy Birthday, my New Years boy. May each birthday be better than the last, and may your first be filled with all the love in the world! 

(photos by Pam Burke Photography)

And with that, this year is gone -- 2014, you were awesome, and I can't wait to see what 2015 will bring for our family, friends, and loved ones! 

Merry Christmas, 2014!

From our family to yours, we hope that your Christmas is full of warm embraces, happy homes and stuffed bellies! This season is all about celebrating love and life and family, and we're definitely thankful for all of the above...Merry Christmas!!

Currently

Loving: The Christmas season (!!) there's nothing like big family gatherings, homemade meals, presents under the tree, lights twinkling around the neighborhoods, and all the joy in my littles eyes when we talk about Santa. I've said it before -and I'll say it again- being on this side of the season is so magical! 

Cooking: Rice, rice, rice -- our entire household is on a white rice kick, and we eat it with about anything. 

Anticipating: The boys' birthdays...Toby will be 1 on 12/31 and Jaxon will be 2 on 01/09 (!!) we're planning a small double-birthday party after the New Year. I feel bad for the boys having birthdays so close to Christmas -and so close together- but we'll make the best of it while they're still little and pull double duty. 

Listening to: I think we're with the rest of the world right now listening to the new Taylor Swift "1989" -- if you can't beat 'em, join 'em (!!)

Working on: "Grown up stuff" - being responsible, paying bills on time, trying to save money, following through on promises, that sort of thing. Sometimes I look around and surprise myself with being an adult. Just the other day, in our weekend travels, I looked at Justin and said, "who let us leave the state with four kids?!" Being an adult is a surreal experience, I still feel like such a kid at heart most of the time!

Watching: We joined in with the other (disappointed) people last night and watched #EatenAlive - what did we watch, exactly? Why did we watch it? I'm so confused, and I'd like those two hours of my life back, please.

Appreciating: My sweet husband surprised me with the new iPhone 6 -and even though it's such a materialistic thing- I am in love with a stupid, albeit awesome, phone. I've wanted one for years, so I'm really appreciating/loving that I finally have one of my own (!!) 

Currently series inspired by Danielle.

Toby's Birth Story

December is Toby's birth-month and so, in his honor, I'm finally posting his Birth Story -- this post has been a year in the making; lots of rereading, editing, and remembering. I look back on that day/night with such fondness, such a bittersweet sense of familiarity and yet surprise. Continue below the jump to read the entire story....


I can hardly believe I'm writing my fourth birth story - or that this is my last birth story. But, here it is, the story of how our little Toby Fields made his grand entrance into this world...

Toby - Month Eleven

This is the last monthly update - the next post I write will be for his first birthday. And from there, his age is no longer counted in monthly increments. He'll be one. ONE! We made it through another year of firsts, another baby -our last baby- to watch and admire and appreciate. Toby Fields, the almost one-year-old.

How did that happen so fast?

This guy is such a dream baby. I can't count how many times Justin said "he really is such a good baby...as long as he's not trapped in a car!" over the holiday weekend. 

Toby eats awesome, he sleeps awesome, he plays awesome, he is awesome. Sure he has himself a little temper tantrum from time to time, but mostly, he's a really chill kid; he's always been a (mostly) mellow piece to our wild family puzzle, and I hope it's a trait he keeps for life. 

I love all his quirks, but most of all, I love his little laugh -- it's something Justin taught him, and it's hilarious. I'm going to have to try and get video of it -- it's a Woody Woodpecker type of chuckle, and it's his trademark for sure. It's impossible not to laugh at him when he's laughing like that! And while he does it randomly all day long, he'll mimic Justin every time -- he's the only one I know who can get Toby to laugh like that on command! 

November is definitely the month of thankfulness, and I am eternally thankful for this guy. He's everything I could want, need and dream of in a little boy; he's my baby, the baby, and he's almost ONE. 

Cue the tears.....

A video posted by Mary Ruth Gilliam (@mommaruthsays) on Nov 11, 2014 at 2:33pm PST

Letters...

I'm not sure if any of you click over to the blog and notice the tab at the top that says "Letters" so I'm putting it out here...just in case!

Sporadically I write "letters" to the kids. I've been doing it since before Toby was born, although I don't get the chance to nearly as much as I'd like. It's nothing fancy, no pictures, no fuss or frill; just simple little notes I jot down from time to time, life lessons I hope to impart to the kids one day. 

If you'd like to read, just follow the link ----> Letters

photo from our last day at Disney - I've been meaning to do a recap post of our trip...one of these days!

Someday......

Some day we will have a clean house, nice things, a date night out without worrying about crying babies or early am wake up calls. Some day, there won't be crumbs in the floor, toys under the couch, stockpiles of school papers and baby wipes littering our kitchen counters. There will come a time when we buy new furniture without asking ourselves "how long will it take the kids to destroy this one?" We will have fewer clothes to fold and less socks to mysteriously lose in the wash. 

Some day there won't be sleepless nights with a screaming baby, diapers to change hour after hour, and no more pacifiers to keep up with. People will be able to come visit us without having to wade through a sea of Legos and books in the floor; we will have more drink options besides milk or apple juice. Some day our grocery list won't mainly consist of kid cereal and baby snacks. We will only have adult medicine in our cabinet: there will no longer be a dozen different varieties of children's grape, cherry, or bubblegum flavored liquid medicines. 

Some day I won't feel guilty that I chose sleep over cleaning the house, that I neglected folding the laundry because I'd rather have ten minutes of "me" time alone. 

These days are fleeting, lived on a euphoric high "survival mode" style.

And I know there are some people out there who can do it all. They raise their kids, keep their house, entertain guests, work, play -- they find a way to do it all, all the time. That's just not my style.

But I -we- are doing the best we can. We're not perfect, so far from it really. But this is what we do, how we do it. We have a messy house and wild kids and neglected chores. We have bags under our eyes and supper still on the stove from last night. We play with our kids and play with each other. We fight and we brew and we are still trying to find our way.

Some day our kids will be grown, some day we might figure this out. But if we never do?

Fine by me. And if the kids want to be little forever? I'll take that over a clean house any day of the damn week.

Family Photos, Fall 2014

Just putting these out here because I love them, and I'll take any excuse I can get to shove my virtual wallet full of family photos in your face. This is my group, my family, my trible, my littles, my bear.

My everything. 

Thank you (again and again) to Pam Burke Photography for capturing this moment in time for us. 

Toby - Month Ten

Ten months old!

In the past month, Toby has definitely perfected his "get up and go" method of mobility - I'm not one to rush babies into anything (although I was that way with Sidney, I learned to savor the moments instead of rushing from one milestone to the next!), and it's so bittersweet to see Toby gaining independence and learning to move on his own. He has no fear crawling throughout the entire house. He'll pick out his own toys to play with. He's like a mini-Hoover picking up every speck off the floor --good and bad specks-- and he's keeping us on our toes! Just another wild boy to keep up with!

As far as traveling with a baby goes, Toby did better than we expected. He handled the drive to Florida really good -- the drive back, not so much! But while we were at Disney, he was pretty dang perfect. He had his moments, as is to be expected from a little dude his age, but overall, he was a peach. He enjoyed seeing the shows and meeting characters. He hung out in his stroller very well and slept like a champ in the (cramped) hotel room at night. I couldn't have asked for much more than that, and we can't wait to take him back someday when he's old enough to remember everything for himself. 

I think it's safe to say Toby is our fastest growing baby out of all four kiddos -- he's just a smidge smaller than Jaxon, even though they're only a year apart in age! He's a chunky butt with an appetite to boot (I think I say this every month, but it's always so true!) I'm sure he might lose some of that chunk with more mobility, but for now, I adore his rolls and potbelly. He's got the sweetest little curls along his hairline, they just swirl in the sweetest way after bathtime. It's a trivial little thing I adore about him!

Halloween this year wasn't much fun --rain always makes for disappointing trick-or-treating-- but Toby really surprised me by wearing his "Sven" costume without fuss. He didn't mind the hat, which was my biggest concern, so long as it was pushed back far enough for him to see everything at all times. He's such a people watcher, that boy! He helped complete our Frozen quartet, and it was by far the cutest scene ever. 

With Thanksgiving and Christmas fast approaching, I have a feeling this boy's birthday may get lost in the mix -- I'm hoping to pick a date somewhere between 12/31 and 01/09 to celebrate both Toby and Jaxon together (a two-year-old and a one-year-old!) -- this special little fella deserves a special day, even though he totally got shafted on his birth "day". He's my last baby, born on the last day of the last month. 

But I have a feeling his birthday will always be a reminder of how much surprise, joy, hope and wonder there is at the end/beginning of each year. Ten months, Toby, how did that go by so fast?!

Flashback Friday "Halloween" Edition

On this day last year we were "trick or treating" as a family of five (with one on the way!) -- We had a rotten little witch, an adorable Draculaura, and a pokey puppy. This year, our littles are going as the cast of Frozen (we've got Elsa, Anna, Olaf & Sven) -- it's crazy how quickly time flies and how many things can change in 365 days. 

The weather this year is supposed to be pretty terrible for being outside, but we're going to do our best and make the most of things! We've got an evening of movies, pumpkins, popcorn and cookies (and hopefully the spoils of candy!) lined up for when we make it home. 

I hope everyone has a safe and wonderful Halloween -- or as someone on Facebook said the other day, Elsaween (seriously, I can't wait to see how many Frozen costumes are out there this year!) 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Toby - Month Nine

(Two weeks too late, but better late than never, right?....)

We're 3/4 of the way to Toby's first birthday -- this time of year is naturally busy, so I'm sure it'll creep up on us while we're busy celebrating the fall/winter holidays!

This month, Toby finally decided he can sit up on his own -- I'm in no hurry to see him get mobile. With mobility comes independence, and if he's like my other children, fearlessness. The last thing we need is another rambunctious, rowdy boy breaking things and covered in bumps and bruises from multiple knocks and falls! He does do a little "army crawl" style thing to get from A to B -- but again, no rush on my end! 

Toby is still a chunky butt who loves eating and trying new foods. He loves real food, and he loves to feed himself -- I always joke that watching him eat is like watching the ghostly trio from Casper eat! Sometimes the mess is so big, I let Birdie in the house to do first-round of clean up :) He's weighing in around 23 lbs, and I love all his little rolls and lumps. All the more to cuddle and kiss!

I think I can safely say Toby is now sleeping "through the night" -- I'm sure I'll jinx the situation and he'll be back to getting up every two hours. But lately, he's been putting himself to sleep anywhere from 7-9 and will sleep a solid 10-12 hours. It's blissful. I get sentimental A LOT about most everything with Toby seeing as how he's the last and every new thing with him is our last time experiencing a "first" -- but a baby sleeping through the night is welcomed with open arms! I won't miss not sleeping one little bit! 

Toby definitely gets the short end of the stick from his older sisters and brother -- they take his toys, they tend to trample over his play area, and he never gets his pick of anything :)) It's hard to be the low man on the totem pole, but I know his day is coming. He already tries to fight back with Jaxon and has found that if his sisters are bothering him, a quick tug of their hair will put them in check. 

But there tender moments -- he's so loved by everyone -yes, even his older siblings- and they will often fight over who gets to sit closest to him, who gets to kiss him, who gets to feed him. It's precious, even when it turns into a big fight, and I try to take the good with the bad, the sour with the sweet. 

All in all, Toby is a wonderful little dude. Even though he's somewhat impatient. And spoiled. And rotten. He's everything a little boy should be, and I still grin from ear to ear thinking about the moment this little boy shocked us all with his mere existence. 

Currently

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Loving: The fist-bumping affirmation pictured above. I'm all about feminism and finding my voice as a feminist, as an equalist -which isn't really a word, but I'm doing it, so there- and all around supporter of human rights. I'm not the loudest activist or the biggest voice to rally troops, but I feel like I'm among a wonderful generation of open-minded, loving, compassionate, goal-oriented individuals. And I know I'm raising children who will be full of love and, I hope, an openness to embracing people from all walks of life, from different backgrounds with different views and beliefs, with kind words and love. 

Cooking: The last of the fresh veggies from the farmer's market -- we've really stepped up our game this year and finally took advantage of the small -but abundant- weekly farmer's market. I've made plenty of mistakes along the way, but we've been taste testing new food, and even the kids have been open to trying new things. It's been a very productive summer of eating! :) 

Anticipating: Our trip to DISNEY! We leave on the 18th of this month, and I am so excited, I can barely contain myself -- the only thing Justin and I are dreading is the long haul with all four kids in tow. The girls are excellent travelers; the boys, not so much. I'm hoping by breaking it up over two days time and having Gran and Pops in another car to help swap out and provide relief, it'll be easier than we're expecting.  

Listening to: If Birds Could Fly >> I'm so ashamed of myself for not falling in love with this band sooner (they're local! and amazing!) I have spent countless hours on YouTube just listening to song after song. The one below is a personal favorite :) Even Sidney likes it!

Working on: Potty-training Rhealen (slowly making progress!) is the biggest hurdle right now. I'm also working on myself, which is a deep subject and too lengthy to get into here. Aaand I've started Christmas shopping (I know, who am I?) 

Watching: Like the majority of AHS lovers out there, I'm now completely devoted to Freak Show -- how amazing was last night's premiere? This season is going to be mind blowing, I can feel it! Also, you know what a huge TWD fan I am -- this weekend, all my dreams come true! 

Currently series inspired by Danielle.

26*

Sunday was my 26th birthday, and I feel like, if I don't pause and post about it now, I'm never going to do it. And I really like birthday posts, if for no other reason than to look back on them and laugh at myself later on in life.

I am nowhere close to the person I thought I'd be at 26. In some ways, it's a good difference - in others, I feel like I've failed myself. 

When I was younger, I had this vision of what someone in their mid twenties would look like. I imagined a well kept, educated, hard working, partying individual with no kids and a wanderlust lifestyle. Mid twenties looked so young and carefree. And while I do still feel young, I am miles beyond "carefree". 

I am a mother, a working mother no less, with bills and a husband and a lot of personal hurdles yet to overcome. I have backslid, in a lot of ways, to a personality that doesn't fit with the person I am deep down and the person I want to be all the way around. I don't feel like I have the answers to anything yet. I don't feel very accomplished or confident. 

It almost feels like I set myself up for failure from the start in a lot of ways - I gave myself goals based on a timeline I could never comprehend. I imagined a life that didn't exist, or if it does exist, was never meant for me. 

I'm not exactly where I thought I should be at 26, but I am here nonetheless. I have spent the last few months of my life reevaluating choices, trying to grow, trying to find myself again and my path forward. I have battled my demons, hurt myself and others, and found that it's forgiveness I need in my life more than anything. 

I have to forgive myself for a lot of things. I've had to ask forgiveness from those that love me. I have to love myself more and forgive those who can't or won't love me the way I want them to. I have had to be willing to wipe my own slate clean and start new. I've had to erase these goals in my mind, had to relieve pressures and let go of old grudges. 

I've had to do what all mid twenty somethings have had to do - I've had to grow up. 

And I have grown up, in the last two months more so than the last year combined. A birthday is a celebration of life, a somewhat narcissistic celebration (or at least, this birthday post is) - but I hope someday I look back on 25 and remember how hard it was. I hope I remember how promising it felt to turn 26, how the compass seemed to finally point towards a northerly direction worth chasing. 

26 will be good to me and I good to it - I hope I greet 27 with more confidence, more vigor, and a more closely honed sense of purpose and direction. 

So here's to 26 and all it has to offer.

Crazy, Lucky

Our anniversary is coming up this week, and I'm a little sentimental over here -- over a decade with this guy has made me crazy. Crazy in love, crazy in happiness, crazy in denial. 

It hasn't been this long. We haven't gone through so much. We don't have such an awesome family. It's not possible that I'm this lucky. 

But I am -- despite everything I am this lucky. And I owe it all to luck, 'cause I'm not so convinced I deserve a moment of this life of mine. 

A Party for Sidney

Another year, another birthday party for Sidney that involved a bouncy house, getting wet, friends and an accidental power outage!

Low-key birthday parties are where it's at, and I think we nailed this one! Justin, the girls, and I made her birthday cake -- I stitched up her little "7" shirt, we had pizza and chips, and since it was so dadgum hot, we rigged up a water hose to spray on the bouncy house slide, AND THE KIDS LOVED IT!

Except for the part where Sidney blew up the transformer on the power pole with her escaped balloons, things went super -- I'm so grateful to have an awesome family that chip in to celebrate our girl. We're very blessed with an awesome circle of friends, and I couldn't have imagined a better day. Even the rain held off 'til the very end! Success!!

Happy Birthday, Sidney Morgan

Today, Sidney Morgan is seven years old.

 

At 4:45PM seven years ago, this little gal came bursting into our lives with her thick black hair and bright blue eyes. She was (and is) so beautiful, so sweet, so adorably adorable. Justin and I were just babies having a baby of our own, and this darling daughter of ours has taught us everything we know about being parents.

Being her mother is magical -- she's so incredibly smart, incredibly challenging, and so much like me, she is my mirror. All my faults I want to correct in her; I want her to have her own faults, not to be the ghost of my past screw-ups. I want her to find her own way, forge her own path, be her own independent little person.

 

And she is, in so many ways -- there's no one quite like Sidney Morgan.

She is a phenomenal big sister. The heavens above couldn't have picked out a more perfect big "Sissy" for our crew -- she is sweet and tender and loving. And she's also picky, antagonizing and bossy, just as a big sister should be with three littles chasing her around!

It's hard to remember a time before she was with us -- not that I'd want to, not that I'd have it any other way. She's the perfect fit, her hand in mine, my emotional, sappy, loving, silly little Sidney.

 

I hope she has the happiest of birthdays, and I can't wait to celebrate this little stinker all weekend long!

Happy 7th Birthday, ya big kid you!