This is real life...

I don't know who first said "after two or three, you don't notice any difference" but I'm calling bullshit on that! Having four is totally different than three! Let's just acknowledge that little fact first off.

Now, secondly, I'm working on finding a groove that fits for our family, and luckily for me, that includes coordinating with our amazing family and friends who help make life possible.

Yes, I'm sure Justin and I could do this on our own...but I'm so beyond grateful we don't have to. We are blessed beyond the stars to have such people in our lives that lovingly help.

I get a lot of comments in real life and online where people say "you have your hands full!" Or "bless your heart!" Or "I don't think I could handle four!" And at first, I nod my head in agreement - the initial shock of four kids is surprise! Shocking! And yes, my hands are full - but so is my heart...

And this is hard sometimes, yes, but it's what I was born to do - I was meant to have these four kids. I love them and like them and find myself in complete awe that I made these little people. Some days are longer than others, and sometimes there are tears from everyone (me included!) - but there is so much love.

So if and when you see me out with my little humans, please know I'm happy and I don't feel overwhelmed. I'm doing my best to be grateful, above everything else. I'm still settling into being a mother of four, but only on the outside. 

On the inside, I have been a mother of four my whole life. Now my home matches my heart, and everything feels complete. 

(And yes, in regards to the photo a above, I might be a little happier on the daily if showering found its way into my routine) 

Tonight, for the first time, I looked down at you and felt that lump rise into my throat. I felt the tears sting at my eyes, and I recognized in an instant that old familiar feeling - love.

Tonight, I fell in love with you. 

Just an ordinary night, sitting on the couch, holding you while you slept on my chest. And yet, there it was. There it happened again. Once more, my heart grew and you fell into the place waiting for you. 

I don't know if it's me or if other mommas experience these kinds of moments, too - but I know enough about myself as a mother to recognize the difference between loving your child unconditionally from day one versus falling in love with your children over and over again as they grow. 

I have loved you, my boy, from the moment I found out I was pregnant.

But tonight, I fell in love with you for the first time. Tonight, you made your way to me - from an unexpected, unplanned miracle to a fuzzy, warm babe in my arms. You found me, and I found you. And I didn't think I could love another boy the way I do your father and brother, yet you've proven me wrong already.

 Little Toby, I love you. Thank you for being the best surprise of my life.

Jaxon - Month 12

Today, our Jaxon turned the big O-N-E!

Twelve months flew by, and here we have an official "big boy" on our hands - he's our wild, demanding, rowdy little ruffian! This child is all boy in every way possible. He is 90% walking and is always on the go - the only time I get to snuggle with him is the 10 minutes he takes to drink his bottle (we've got to work on getting rid of the bottle soon....sigh). He has realized wrestling with Daddy is 1,000x more fun than wrestling with me, and so Justin is taking over my place as the #1 person in his eyes. 

He adores Toby, which is so not what I was expecting! He LOVES him, even though that love is a little tough...still, that squeal of joy when he sees his little brother melts me. I can't deny him a little brotherly love bonding (god, I hope it stays this way between them!)

I love this little man beyond words, to the moon and back, a million and one ways, over and over. He is the divine light of my life, the boy who stole my heart and helped me become a better mom (and human being in general) - I could literally wax poetic about him for days on end.

We will celebrate with family and cake and presents on Sunday (we did a little celebration this evening, just to be official!) - but I try to celebrate him every day. Even in the moments of chaos and tantrums and pure ugliness, being his momma is the best thing ever.

Happy birthday, Jaxie Buddy! We love you "big man"!

Meet Toby

So...as I'm sure you all know by now - the Jameson we had been preparing for ended up being a little Toby - surprise! Even after two different ultrasounds that assured us we were expecting a girl, we had a last minute old-fashioned switcheroo, and this little boy came into our lives at 12:23am on December 31st weighing in at just a little over 6 lbs.

There's a lot to be said about my labor, his delivery, the rush and range of emotions we all experienced, and how it feels to be a family of six! I have stories to share, and I will, if ever I actually find two spare minutes of time :) 

Welcome to our family, Toby Fields Gilliam - you have completed our family and brought us all closer together, closer than I ever imagined we could be. We love you!