26*

Sunday was my 26th birthday, and I feel like, if I don't pause and post about it now, I'm never going to do it. And I really like birthday posts, if for no other reason than to look back on them and laugh at myself later on in life.

I am nowhere close to the person I thought I'd be at 26. In some ways, it's a good difference - in others, I feel like I've failed myself. 

When I was younger, I had this vision of what someone in their mid twenties would look like. I imagined a well kept, educated, hard working, partying individual with no kids and a wanderlust lifestyle. Mid twenties looked so young and carefree. And while I do still feel young, I am miles beyond "carefree". 

I am a mother, a working mother no less, with bills and a husband and a lot of personal hurdles yet to overcome. I have backslid, in a lot of ways, to a personality that doesn't fit with the person I am deep down and the person I want to be all the way around. I don't feel like I have the answers to anything yet. I don't feel very accomplished or confident. 

It almost feels like I set myself up for failure from the start in a lot of ways - I gave myself goals based on a timeline I could never comprehend. I imagined a life that didn't exist, or if it does exist, was never meant for me. 

I'm not exactly where I thought I should be at 26, but I am here nonetheless. I have spent the last few months of my life reevaluating choices, trying to grow, trying to find myself again and my path forward. I have battled my demons, hurt myself and others, and found that it's forgiveness I need in my life more than anything. 

I have to forgive myself for a lot of things. I've had to ask forgiveness from those that love me. I have to love myself more and forgive those who can't or won't love me the way I want them to. I have had to be willing to wipe my own slate clean and start new. I've had to erase these goals in my mind, had to relieve pressures and let go of old grudges. 

I've had to do what all mid twenty somethings have had to do - I've had to grow up. 

And I have grown up, in the last two months more so than the last year combined. A birthday is a celebration of life, a somewhat narcissistic celebration (or at least, this birthday post is) - but I hope someday I look back on 25 and remember how hard it was. I hope I remember how promising it felt to turn 26, how the compass seemed to finally point towards a northerly direction worth chasing. 

26 will be good to me and I good to it - I hope I greet 27 with more confidence, more vigor, and a more closely honed sense of purpose and direction. 

So here's to 26 and all it has to offer.

Crazy, Lucky

Our anniversary is coming up this week, and I'm a little sentimental over here -- over a decade with this guy has made me crazy. Crazy in love, crazy in happiness, crazy in denial. 

It hasn't been this long. We haven't gone through so much. We don't have such an awesome family. It's not possible that I'm this lucky. 

But I am -- despite everything I am this lucky. And I owe it all to luck, 'cause I'm not so convinced I deserve a moment of this life of mine. 

A Party for Sidney

Another year, another birthday party for Sidney that involved a bouncy house, getting wet, friends and an accidental power outage!

Low-key birthday parties are where it's at, and I think we nailed this one! Justin, the girls, and I made her birthday cake -- I stitched up her little "7" shirt, we had pizza and chips, and since it was so dadgum hot, we rigged up a water hose to spray on the bouncy house slide, AND THE KIDS LOVED IT!

Except for the part where Sidney blew up the transformer on the power pole with her escaped balloons, things went super -- I'm so grateful to have an awesome family that chip in to celebrate our girl. We're very blessed with an awesome circle of friends, and I couldn't have imagined a better day. Even the rain held off 'til the very end! Success!!

Happy Birthday, Sidney Morgan

Today, Sidney Morgan is seven years old.

 

At 4:45PM seven years ago, this little gal came bursting into our lives with her thick black hair and bright blue eyes. She was (and is) so beautiful, so sweet, so adorably adorable. Justin and I were just babies having a baby of our own, and this darling daughter of ours has taught us everything we know about being parents.

Being her mother is magical -- she's so incredibly smart, incredibly challenging, and so much like me, she is my mirror. All my faults I want to correct in her; I want her to have her own faults, not to be the ghost of my past screw-ups. I want her to find her own way, forge her own path, be her own independent little person.

 

And she is, in so many ways -- there's no one quite like Sidney Morgan.

She is a phenomenal big sister. The heavens above couldn't have picked out a more perfect big "Sissy" for our crew -- she is sweet and tender and loving. And she's also picky, antagonizing and bossy, just as a big sister should be with three littles chasing her around!

It's hard to remember a time before she was with us -- not that I'd want to, not that I'd have it any other way. She's the perfect fit, her hand in mine, my emotional, sappy, loving, silly little Sidney.

 

I hope she has the happiest of birthdays, and I can't wait to celebrate this little stinker all weekend long!

Happy 7th Birthday, ya big kid you!

WoW

**Can you guess what I finally watched for the first time, ten years too late?**

Toby - Month Eight

I took the last month off from blogging, and I have to say, it felt really good! I'm still not sure when I'll get back to blogging regularly, but I have to keep with these monthly updates - I love having them to look back on later down the road...even if I do post them a few days late :)

This past month has definitely been a whirlwind for little Toby! He's grown by two pounds, tried really hard to sit up and crawl, and spent a week in the hospital with a MRSA infection. It's been a rough one, lemme tell ya! A seven-month-old and a hospital do not mix well together; we didn't sleep good, he had to go hours without eating, he pulled out three IVs - it just wasn't a good experience! But the good news is, he's doing 100x better now, and hopefully we'll be rid of this MRSA bug for good.

Toby now weighs in at a very portly 22.7 pounds -- he's an eating machine, and has decided formula pales in comparison to real food! Of course, he still drinks his bottles, but most days he's all about the food...the real food.

 

He still only has two little bottom teeth, so eating is kind of a challenge for him, but like his big brother before him, he shows no regard for how things should go - he just charges in head first to all things and lets his iron will see him through.

 

Toby is going to be a mover and a shaker, just like Jaxon and Rhealen - I can see him plotting already. He's going to team up with those two, and then things will be insane. They're going to be the three musketeers, I can just see it now!

He has quite the Gilliam attitude about him, and it's getting stronger every day. He can be the grumpiest little dude one minute and then it's straight to sweetness from there -- he reminds me of someone........

 

And so, like I love his daddy, I love this little booger to death. The time we spent one-on-one cooped up in the hospital only solidified my baby feelings. He's my baby! My last baby!

My sweetest baby.