what you feel is what you are, and what you are is feeling far

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I could spend all day getting lost in The Commons. It takes me back to another world, another time, another emotion - one that is not my own but somehow I still know so well. I can hear the noises, smell the air, feel the sun and cold.

I can only hope that the photos I take in my lifetime will live on forever like these, evoking emotions and telling tales of a world and time gone by.

look to the future

I catch myself thinking about the future more often times than not.

The future is such a wonderful place, isn't it? You can dream about having money, losing weight, getting a better job. You can become a better, faster, stronger you every time you close your eyes. The days before you are still unwritten and with it lies the possibility that you can change everything bad you hate about the present. The future is magical, always promising to be better than yesterday.

When I close my eyes, I see stability. I see more kids. I see a bigger house. I see my husband working at a decent job. I see control. I see happiness. It flashes by in a second, but I see every detail perfectly.

I see snapshots of monumental moments happening in the future - the birth(s) of our other children, Sidney's first day of kindergarten, school dances, t-ball games, Justin's promotions. Life, loss, struggle, perserverence, sunshine, rain, winter, spring, vacation, work - it all plays out in the blink of an eye.

And I can't help but be hopeful for the future, to always look to tomorrow with the hope that it will get better. Justin and I tell each other all the time, "someday we'll have money", "someday we'll have a better house", "someday we'll have it all". And I know that's not entirely true, we won't get everything we could ever hope for all at once during the course of our lives.

We get the things we want in small doses, the good with the bad. You have to be open enough to realize that you're getting something wonderful in the midst of something terrible. It's a struggle for me sometimes, but I always try to breathe each moment in. I make mental snapshots of wonderful moments: family hugs, sunsets, swinging on the porch, my mamaw's cooking, my mom's voice, the smell of grass, the feeling of the sun and wind, Sidney's curls, our dog's wet noses, the morning commute - all of these little moments that happen that I don't want to miss or forget.

The future is always sweeter when we look into our tomorrows. But it's up to us to remember that today will always be the sweetest day we'll ever get. Because it's all we have. It's all we're given. It's all we're guaranteed.

what's with today, today?

Oh ha-ha, blogger, thanks for breaking my spirits. I can clearly see that either someone deliberately chose to unfollow the blog yesterday, or you just casually managed to drop a spam reader on the same day I posted about my wonderful 68 (now 67) readers.

You think you're real cute, don't you.

In other news, the blogging world continues to amaze me with their generousity and love for one another. Seriously, you guys are so sweet you're giving me a toothache (but I like it).

And in other other news, I have absolutely nothing to say today. Those two long posts from the previous days have worn me out and now I've got nothing. Talking about my kid's potty training antics and how great I think you guys are has completely deprived me from any rational thinking or speaking. Well, that and the fact that I've been super busy at work - leaving negative brain cells by the time I get home in front of the computer to start working on a post.

So, yeah, that's about it. Suck it, blogger, for taking yet another number off my reader list. I still love all you guys and gals, 1-67. And today I'm feeling especially nice. Nice enough to take a self-photo to share with y'all.

you are more than numbers 1-68 to me

There are times when I let the allure of "popular blogging" reel me in. I crave a big audience. I crave comments by the boat load. I want and need and beg to be justified, to feel important, to have an audience of devoted minions.

And then I stop.

And I realize, thankfully, that's not what blogging is about. That's not what this blog of mine is about. That's not what I'm about.

It's so easy to simply measure success in numbers. This blogger has 10,000 followers and 200 comments a post and 40,000 page views per month.

So?

Does said blogger connect with his/her readers? Do they take the time to email other people back or go visit their blogs to share the love? Do they interact with them at all?

Probably not. And to me, that's the saddest fact of all. As much as I think I want to win this popularity contest, because let's be honest - high school is never really over, I promise to you I really don't care.

I'm at that point in my blog, and in my life, where I just don't care about the numbers. Quality over quantity, any and every day of my life.

I'd much rather talk to Jay or Brandy or Jacque - I'd rather read Janelle's stories or look at pictures of Tricia's adorable dog. I've been following Jules and her boys since I started this blog. Heather was such a sweetheart to me when Joe passed away.

There are more, many many more that I am grateful to call "friend". And I do consider you my friends, all of you. If ever I was to introduce you to someone I know, I wouldn't say "internet pal" or "blog buddy" or whatever. I'd call you my friend.

Because as my numbers have stayed small and my blog has stayed honest, it's given me the opportunity to be a good reader, listener and friend to you. I don't ever want this blog to be one-sided.

Numbers and stats ain't where it's at, ladies and gentlemen.

Because just like high school, at the end of they day, all you have to show for yourself are the people surrounding you. These are the people who have your back, who support you in times of despair and uplift you in moments of triumph. Would you rather fall aimlessly into a huddled, faceless crowd? Or would you rather be able to fall back on a handful of people, with out-strecthed unwavering arms, people you know will be there to catch you no matter what?

So take your moments to be jealous, let that feeling of want and desire wash over you like it will from time to time. But remember, when all is said and done, your blog is your own. Your story is your own. Your friends are all your own. Be proud of what you write. Be honest with what you share. And be thankful for those that take the time out of their lives to connect with you, to leave a little comment every now and then, and to embrace you as a friend - no matter if it's one or a thousand miles down the road.

potty training is hard ass work

Let me start off by saying, I hate potty training. I'm pretty sure at this point, it would be a hell of a lot easier just to send her to kindergarten in diapers. I don't see the big deal, just wipe her butt and send her on her merry little way. I'm kidding mostly.

We've been working with Sidney on potty-training for right around six months. In the beginning, I didn't push it, because two seems young to me and she obviously wasn't ready. But as the months have ticked by, she's been building up her bladder strength, and she can now go four hours without messing all over herself, which to me is a big indicator that she's understanding of the process. One would think she's ready, she can do this, let's get this potty training circus started.
But when it comes time to sit on the potty and go? OH HELL NO.

She refuses, screams - literally has a total nervous breakdown. And I don't understand it. We've tried everything. She had a built-in potty seat on the big toilet. She has her own little potty chair. We've bribed her with stickers, cake, bubbles, ice-cream, anything and everything we can think of to intice her. She will have NONE OF IT.

The other day she sat on her potty for 45 MINUTES, screaming, absolutely refusing to go. She says things like "I tried!" and "I scared!" and anything else she can think of. And I don't get it.

I don't spank her or fuss at her for not going (although I do fuss at her for screaming like a wild banshee the entire time). I don't want to totally warp her mind around this whole potty training business. I just can't seem to wrap my head around what's going on inside her little noggin. Most of the time I can pick up on her subtle clues and get the big picture of what it is she's trying to say by saying nothing at all.

But this potty training stuff stumps me. I don't get it. And I'm tired of fighting. I know it's hard work, but I don't think it's supposed to be THIS hard.

And so, for now, I'm calling it quits. Obviously, she's not ready mentally, no matter how ready she is physically. And I said it wouldn't really bother me until she hit 3 years old, although now I really don't care if it ever happens. I'll be the parent with the kid in second grade in diapers. Really, sign me up - I'm that sick of this potty training business.

Maybe this summer it'll be easier with less clothes and more time outside and a few more months crossed off the calendar. Maybe it'll be just like the paci, and one day the stars will align and everything will fall into place. Maybe we'll have to put her in some kind of daycare program where she can see other kids her age using the potty and find some iniative.

I know every kid is different, and with some kids it just takes more time than others. I don't want to push her too hard. I don't want to completely freak her out to the point that she won't use the bathroom without me standing two feet from her. I also feel a little bad for pushing her because I don't know how this affects her VSR, and I don't want to put any extra strain on her kidneys or bladder at the moment.

So we're cooling our asses heels for now. And waiting. She'll get there eventually, I know she will. And in the meantime, we're just going to leave the potty chair sitting in the living room floor waiting for her.

Because every living room needs a cute little potty chair.

reads you shouldn't miss

Here are some of my absolute favorite blog posts from the last couple of weeks and I don't want you to miss out on them (great words + great photos).

Pacing the Panic Room - It's Almost Bathing Suit Season (I am in love with this photo of Tessa, seriously)

Okay, Fine, Dammit - Connection (Maggie said exactly what I've always wanted to say regarding this online community we share)

Girl's Gone Child - The Garden (No one can blog as eloquently as Rebecca Woolf. Period.)

Doobleh-Vay - At This Moment You Mean Everything (Every blog post Amy puts out there is pure poetry)

Spoke - Blog Love Day 10 (Tricia said THE NICEST things about me; I'm so glad she picked me as part of her Blog Love series) 

MamaPop - Lady Gaga vs. Grace Jones: Who's Original Now? (Me likey)

A Southern Fairytale - Weekly Winners (Rachel takes THE most gorgeous photos - I'm obsessed with her Flickr stream, and you should be, too)

What are some posts you think I shouldn't miss? Anyone written something that's stuck with you lately? Leave me a link in the comment section or do your own blog list with links! I'd love to read more, more, more.

flick my flickr

sneaky bathroom narcissism

I just put a bunch of photos up on my Flickr page - go check 'em out.

ABADAH!!!!

Today is Thursday.

Today is Earth Day.

Do you know what that means? AVATAR is out on DVD!!!

Yes, I should get more excited about being green and helping to protect and save our Mother Earth - but for the moment, I am tickled pink blue just thinking about getting to see Avatar again (for the 4th time, if you were keeping track) this evening.

Y'all know I love me some Avatar.

I've cleaned my entire calendar for this weekend for the sole purpose of sitting in front of my TV staring at Jake Sully (Sam Worthington). You may think I'm kidding, but for real, I'm not. Promise. Pinky promise.

Have you seen Avatar? Because you should - because regardless of what a pompous asshole James Cameron is, no matter how sick you may be of seeing the commercials stating you can own THE #1 MOVIE OF ALL TIME!, it really is a good movie. Really, I promise.

(Even though my husband would swear on a stack of bibles it's the the #1 WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME!)

Roger Ebert said pretty much what I'm trying to say here.

You know where you can find me this weekend, although if you call in the middle of the "My Jake" scene, I might cut you. I mean it.

*ABADAH is AVATAR - did you see the Oscars? The Govenator (you know Ahh-nold) kep saying Avatar like that AH-BAH-DAH. Crazy accent. It kind of stuck with me. That's probably not very funny at all, is it?*

you make me feel lucky

There are moments throughout the day when I look at my child and think "I am so lucky". Every day that goes by, I learn of another mother who's lost a baby, and my heart breaks for them. I read about so many wonderful people who should be parents, who are deserving of children of their own. They're people I've never met, but I feel for them. I want them to know what I know, to experience the joys of parenting like I do every single day. That's part of the dangers of putting yourself out there onto the worldwide community, you learn about things you never wanted to know. It's a 50/50 trade off. In one way, I'm humbled to realize everything in my life is a gift, and it's completely up to me to treasure these gifts. On the other hand, I'm completely paranoid because I know at any moment, for any of us, it can all be taken away in a second.

Because I read these stories and hear these tales of utter heartbreak, I've begun to look at my darling daughter and memorize the tiniest of details about her.

We were sitting outside on the swing Saturday evening, she had just woken up from a nap, and I couldn't help but notice the colors in her hair. The sun was shining down perfectly on her curly mane, and inside the twists of warm brown strands were blondes and reds, a million shades of colors I'd never noticed before. I made a mental snapshot. When she climbed up into my lap, I made myself say the words aloud in my mind.

I am so lucky. I am so blessed to have this child in my life. I will never take her for granted, ever and ever, amen.

My absolute favorite time of the day happens most of the time before I ever get home. I only get to spend maybe one day a week cuddled up with her during my absolute favorite time together: the first few minutes when she wakes up from a nap.

I love that post-nap girl she is, all flushed and slobbery. Her eyes heavy but glistening. She stretches and yawns, curling up on my arm and nuzzling my nose. She says "I love you, too, Mom" even before I've said a word. She knows I love her, the words always there on the tip of my tongue. Even when I don't say it, I'm always the first to think it.

Every day that passes by seems faster than the one before. These little moments are so fleeting, so incredibly rare that it breaks my heart every time the moment is gone. What if that's the last one like that? What if I never see her again in exactly the same way?

She'll take more naps. She'll sit with me on the swing a lot more this summer. But I have no guarantee the sun will be shining the same. I have no promise that she'll want to cuddle every time after her nap. All I have are the moments, when they happen, as they come to me. I don't want to miss out on the opportunity to memorize everything, every detail, every second with my daughter.

I know I'm lucky. You have made me realize this, and you continue to do so every day. I wish I could hug you all, mother to mother, to tell you all that I understand. I'm here. I wish I could tell you face to face that I love my daughter even more, if that were possible, because you've taught me to do so. You make me see the rainbow in every ugly situation. Because at the end of the day, I still have my little girl. And no matter what's going on in my life, no matter how desolate the world may seem - just knowing that I can come home to her is all the reason I need to keep living, keep smiling. I keep counting myself lucky.

And for you, I always will.

honorable mention

Zooborns - the place to see newborn animals from zoos and aquariums around the world. There's a million "awwwh" moments waiting for you, seriously. I'm in love with these Red River Hog piglets! So cute, I could honestly squeeze them forever.

(originally spotted on The Dainty Squid)

Speaking of the zoo, here's a funny picture of Justin at the Knoxville zoo the summer I was pregnant with Sidney. Never have I ever laughed so much at people and animals in my life!

Sidney comes by all those curls honest - look at his hair!

two news

Two new photo-related things:

#1 - I made myself a new banner. I'm going to try and do these monthly banners, mainly because I like a little change every now and then. And I like photo editing. And I just like this, for now, so we'll see how that goes. I meant to do this at the beginning of the month, but here I am towards the end getting it done. I'll have to motivate myself better to have these done on time, but I'm going to give it a little go.

#2 - I made myself a new blog button! Please, add me to your page and if you've already done that, please update with my new button. THANK YOU SO MUCH. If you want a blog button, but you're not sure how to do it or if you want help making your own, leave me a comment. I can either do one for you (free! duh!) or I can send you an email with a DIY-tutorial. They're real simple, I promise!

That is all.

PS Tomorrow I'm talking about cameras! Lots and lots of cameras!

crafty weekend pictures

On Friday, I had a little extra money.

And I had plans to attend a baby shower for my newest cousin arriving next month, Kylie Morgan.

So since I had money and since I had to bring a gift to this party, I decided that instead of just buying a gift, I'd spend a little more and make something more creative (which in fact, was a total misconception because I actually spent less getting crafty all by myself)!

I went to Michael's and spent thirty minutes walking around sans a child or a husband or a cellphone - absolute alone "me" time. I even stopped at Starbuck's to get a coffee - believe me, I was living up my little solo shopping trip to the fullest!

I found a box that would be perfect for holding diapers and decided to paint it, buy some letters to glue on there, paint those too and buy a pack of diapers to put in them (just in case they didn't quite get what it was for)! And the end result?


(Their nursery theme is Hello Kitty so I think these colors went pretty darn well with the whole scheme of things!)


(The letters weren't glued on straight yet, but you get the general idea)

And while I was at Michael's buying all that paint and thinking in a "creative" mindframe, I decided to buy some more colors and a few canvases - not because I can paint or have any talent at all, but I was in the mood and wanted to create something, anything.

I bought an array of funky, bright colors - colors I hoped would look good no matter how I splattered them on the canvas. I tried to remember some techniques my dad used when painting - and my dad can paint. His skills are pretty darn amazing (he honed them in watching that damned Bob Ross, who still puts me to sleep in less 20 seconds).

So here's what I came up with on the creative painting end:


(The one on the right is complete - the one on the left is done now, but at that time it wasn't. I thickened the wide band of concentrated dots, then arranged a few more random ones across the whole thing.)

I think they're nice compliments of each other. Right?

Yes, I do think they look a little juvenile, but I ain't painting grapes or flowers or my kid or scenery. I suck at painting, so whatever comes out will be abstract and basic shapes, okay?

But it felt good to create, to get my hands (and jeans and carpet, oops) dirty and to have something to show for all the hours (4-plus) I spent working. I had an itch, I scratched it. The bug has left me again and probably won't come back for another six months. But in the meantime, I've got these two pieces of artwork, of my creative mind and heart to look at. They're not the best, but they're "me" and that makes them special in every way.

And Sidney enjoyed them, too. I hung them in her room for her to look at, be inspired by - to remind here that it's okay to do something, even when you're not the best at it. Even when you're not even that good at all! It's the process, the creative outlet, the idea that we all have inspiration in us and we all have paintings to paint, songs to sing, words to speak. We are all molds of clay waiting to be shaped, poems waiting to be written, ideas waiting for a spark.

Getting your hands a little dirty along the way is the fun of all of it, and when you're finally done - you have a piece of yourself to carry around and show to others. You can put your fingers around your masterpiece and proudly say, "This is me. This is who I am. These are the things I can create."



So there you have it, folks. This is me. This is who I am. These are the things I can create.

stolen body? say it ain't so Jacob Black

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I really hope this is just some kind of freaky coincidence - 'cause lord knows I love to stare at some Jacob Black semi-naked body. And to think it's fake in a lot of promo pictures is sad (but his body was still hot in the movie, so that's comforting). Either way, I'm still Team Jacob and still in love.

How many days 'til Eclipse comes out?

I'm alive and doing fine

And the sign said, "Everybody welcome. Come in, kneel down and pray" But when they passed around the plate at the end of it all, I didn't have a penny to pay. So I got me a pen and a paper and I made up my own little sign. I said, "Thank you, Lord, for thinkin' 'bout me. I'm alive and doin' fine."

*Everyone have a wonderful weekend. For me, it's family and friend time on Saturday, out Saturday night for a little "on the town" time, then cleaning and re-organizing SidMo's room on Sunday. I'm hoping to de-clutter her room and organize things a little better so maybe she'll quit being so darn messy! We'll see!*

hey Joe Friday

Today is the sixteenth.

Today would've been Joe's 22nd birthday.

Today is a little harder than I was expecting.

But I'm keeping his family in my thoughts, knowing that no matter how much it hurts me, I can't even begin to imagine what they're feeling today. And for that, I surround them in love and warm thoughts.

As for me, I look through his pictures and remember his voice.

I watched an old high school video with Miranda a few nights ago, and it was nice to see his face, real and moving. It's comforting that we all have pictures of him, memories of him, we talk about him and dream about him and share our woes. It helps, really it does.

So today is for Joseph, my friend. This Friday is yours, your 22nd birthday - tomorrow when I go out with Dobby for a night on the town, I'll drink one for you. I toast your birthday and think of your laughter and the way things used to be and should be now.

I miss you, still. I think I always will.

she is sunshine

This kid brightens any day, my day, all the live long day.

a new blog has begun

I'm doing a little side project blog, just to have - just to play with and be fun with and share gruesome stories with the rest of you birthing ladies.

My Birth Horror Story - first post up by me, of course!

If you'd like to share your funny, your gross, your silly, or even your sweet story of child-birth with me, or to tell me a tale of a birthing freak out you witnessed, please email me at hearmybirthstory@gmail.com - THANKS!

And spread the word, if you will please - Moms need to unite! Let's share our tales of disgust and woe, the parts of birth that we leave out when we talk about birthing our children. I want to get some of your stories up, so email me - let's talk about the guts and the gore.

Because like the tagline says, we couldn't make this sh*t up!

help me, help her

I'm in such a funk right now.

My toddler is messy - beyond messy. And she comes by it 100% honest. Justin and I both are not the "neatest" people you will ever meet. I think our house has been clean maybe 3 times in the almost year we've been living here. So, I sympathize with her. We're not setting a good example, and she's got bad-cleaning genes. She's got a small room, a ton of toys and no capacity for the idea of a "clean" room.

And I'm not even asking that she keep it clean all the time. I want her room to be lived in, comfy and cozy, and functional. I don't expect her to always pick up her toys, and I don't think she's old enough to understand making her bed (not that she sleeps in it anyway). But she has this insane habit of dumping everything out in the floor and leaving it. Sometimes she plays with it, but most of the time it's just clutter on her floor. I've thought about throwing everything out, but that seems cruel. I'm at a loss.

I want to teach her how to pick up a little, respect her things and keep her room a little cleaner. Any tips? How do you teach your kids to be responsible for their things? I need some advice, Moms. A little help would be lovely.

Or if you want to come volunteer to clean my house, that'd work nicely as well.

we went to the zoo

So a few weekends ago when we were visiting Justin's Mamaw in Greenville, SC we headed down to the zoo. We took Sidney when she was about 10 months old, and she LOVED it, even at her early age. This time around was no different; she's in love with animals, so the zoo is her nirvana, as I'm sure you can tell from these photos.
























I love this little zoo - it's not too big that you have to spend all day broiling in the sun to see everything. And they're really relaxed on some of their policies - you can take food in to feed the animals and get really close (sometimes too close for my comfort zone)!

We also went to the aquarium a little while ago, but I'll save those photos for another post. This one is already pretty picture-loaded as it is.

Enjoy your Monday; I'm struggling with some kind of head cold/allergy demon that refuses to leave me the hell alone!

It's a usual Monday fail kind of day.

have a good weekend

Hopefully, there'll be lots of much needed outdoor time in the sunshine.

explaining the in between

Yesterday was Joe's funeral.

I hope I never have to relive a day like that again. My heart is still breaking for his family, his friends, his college buddies, his cousins and more. It isn't fair that he's gone. And so far, it isn't getting any easier to deal with - not that I expect it to all be settled and normal again in just one week's time. But I haven't had to deal with this much sorrow since my Papaw passed - I've been living high on life for a long time, and Joe's passing is just another reminder to me that life is so precious, too precious for words. Any of it, all of it can be gone in an instant. Life is never really in our hands, we're never in control. And there's no point in agonizing over little things when there's always a bigger picture looming over our heads every second of every day.

All of this time spent thinking about life and death and surviving the in between, has got me to thinking: how and when do I explain these things to my child?

I don't want to scare her, but I want her to be understanding of this thing called life. I want to her appreciate every day, even though I know it's a child's second nature to feel invincible and as far away from death as possible. Kids never really think about that sort of thing when they're young - even most teenagers live in that mindframe. Old people die, young people live forever. But we all know it isn't so.

I want Sidney to cherish her grand-parents, hug her cousins, remember her friends as they are and were and will always be. I don't want her to grow up regretting not kissing her Aunts and Uncles, not hugging people she loves - I want her to be able to say she loved these people and she let them know it. I don't want her to be a sap, to be so emotionally aware that she's afraid to love for the fear of loss. I don't want to completely warp her mind.

So how do I tiptoe that line? When do I start talking to her about these things? How do I make a kid see that life is indeed fleeting and there is no promise of tomorrow? Where do I even begin.....?

[Give me a moment to talk about Joe, please]

I'm thankful for my friendship with Joe. I count myself lucky to have known him since kindergarten, to have grown up with him, to have played with him. His voice and laugh have been echoing in my ears for the past few days. It's nice to remember him as he was, his deep voice and his chuckle. He introduced me to so many different things, I have him to thank for bringing a little culture into my life. I would've never seen "Clockwork Orange" if it hadn't been for Joe. I would've never read a Chuck Palahnuik book (one of my fave authors of all time) if it hadn't been for Joe. He made me read political satires and watch crazy French horror films. He tried to explain to me about all the work he was doing at UVA, but in true Joe fashion, I didn't understand two words he was saying.

But I understood his passion, his verve for life. I understood he was happy, doing what he loved - learning. Bits and pieces of our last conversation hit me at random times. Last night driving home, looking back into the rearview mirror at my sleeping girl, I remembered how he debated about whether or not he wanted kids. I don't clearly remember his answer, maybe two kids or four, but I do remember him deciding he did want to be a father. It breaks my heart that he'll never get that opportunity. He'll never be a dad or a husband or a neighbor to anyone. And as much as that pains me for Joe, it pains me for the rest of the world, too. He would've been a great dad, a loving husband and a wonderful neighbor. His light would've out-shined most, and I can't even begin to imagine all the things he would've accomplished.

Please take the time to read about the studies Joe was making in the field of congnitive science. He is going to be published as a co-author for all of the research he contributed to during his short years at UVA.

[I still can't believe he's gone - if you find me talking about him from time to time, I hope you understand. He's the first friend I ever lost and I'm still struggling to deal with this kind of grief, it's new to me and so I don't know how to get a handle on it yet.]

I'm still not sure how I'll approach this great mystery with Sidney. I'm not sure how I'll find the words, how I'll be able to keep my cool and remain calm when I'm talking about such heavy things. But she needs to know, in some small degree or another, just how incredibly lucky we are to be alive, every single day. I know she won't appreciate that fact every day of her life; even I forget and start to take the little things for granted. But I want to be there to remind her, to make her stop and pause, reflect on her days here. I want her to be smart, be mindful of the world around her, and to know that death, while scary and foreboding, is not the end. It is only the beginning.

I guess I've still got a few years to figure out what to say, though, right? It can wait. And in the meantime, I can appreciate the beauty of life twice over for the both of us.

maddie

As wrapped up as I am in my emotions this week, I have to pause and remind you that today is April 7th. Today is the one year anniversary of the death of a little girl named Madeline Spohr.

Do you know who Maddie is?

You can read her parent's blog posts about today: Mike at The Newborn Identity and Heather at The Spohr's Are Multiplying. Both brought tears to my eyes and broke my heart all over again for this family. Maddie has inspired thousands if not millions of people to believe in love and cherish this little journey we call life. I'm grateful to know her story and to see her smile living on in pictures of her new little sister Annabel.

Take a moment today to find out who Maddie is and become a Friend of Maddie. She will forever change your life, in a milllion ways for the better.

maintaining

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I'm still a mixed up manged mess of emotions at this point. I think about Joseph constantly, in a million different ways. Today I heard his laugh in my head for the first time since he passed away on Sunday. It was heart-warming and heart-breaking simultaneously. Tomorrow is his funeral, and I really don't know how we're all going to make it through. Everyone I know is taking this hard, but it's nice to talk about him, and it's good to see my old high school friends. I just wish we didn't have to meet again under these circumstances.

I've got a post in my head and on my heart about how I'm trying to come to terms with teaching Sidney about death and life and loved ones and loss. But that'll come later.

Right now I'm just focusing on being supportive of Joseph's family and friends, keeping my strength up, and preparing myself for tomorrow.


(PS Isn't that the creepiest photo you've seen in awhile? Zoinks!)

you didn't know how bad I could be

There's always a lot of chatter out there on the internet about how being a "bad" mother is the new "good" thing. And it's kind of a strange oxymoron. Because they don't mean you should really be "bad", only that you don't conform and twist to be the uptight standards of typically "good" mothers.

Basically, you shouldn't talk about how you feed your kids chocolate and let them drink Sprite at 9:30 at night. Or how you shouldn't ever blog about wanting just ten minutes of "me" time to take a shower or poop or tweet or text or skype or whatever. A good "bad" mother loves her kids but realizes that life isn't perfect and parenting isn't perfect and it's okay to talk about all those little imperfections without fear of backlash and strife.

I tell you all of this because I want you to know I'm a good mother. Sometimes I'm bad, but I'm always good to my daughter. Sure, in some people's eyes I may be the devil incarnate for letting my child watch a few episodes of Family Guy. You may think I'm violent for publicly spanking my child. IN PUBLIC. In front of other children and parents and people OH MY GOD WOMAN DO YOU HAVE NO SHAME????

Get over yourself.

Lately, what with all the warm weather and all, Sidney has been accompanying us outside during smoke breaks. GASP! I know, I know. It's not like the three of us light up together and talk about how hard we've been working all day. She swings, we smoke, the dogs play at our feet - it somehow just works. And in a weird twisted little way, it's nice to get outside for those 10 minute breaks at times. Bad parenting 101, you say? It's debateable. Yes, I do realize I'm making myself look like such a typical redneck mother here. Such is life.

Just the other night, Sidney fell in love with moths. She'll run out onto the porch, see the nighttime butterflies, and starting screaming with delight "MY MOTHS! MY MOTHS!" - it's beyond adorable. In the natural routine of a toddler, she's got a rhythm down for how things go during our outside breaks. I sit on the swing, then she sits on the swing, then I have to get up from the swing, then the puppies have to be kissed, then the moths have to be chased, then the puppies have to be smacked for trying to help her chase the moths, rinse repeat - over and over again. She says the same things over and over again.

"My moths!" and "I told you, Mom" and "Aaaaaachie" and "Jace" and "Swing me, Mom" and "You sit down, too" and "I like moths" (and I say "me too") and then she'll say "Me, three"

It's adorable - these little quirks of hers. We're all enjoying the warm weather, playing out in the yard and riding on the tractor and 4-wheeler. Yes, I let my child ride 4-wheeled death machines whilest her father is driving. Maybe I am a bad parent after all???

I do all of these things that are cute and funny and silly with her but happen in the most random and unplausible times of the day, so I debate about whether or not I should blog about it. And I guess I could omit some of the hairier details, but that would be a disservice to you. I'm honest, always, on this blog so the truth must rule out the rest!

Even if means making myself look like a bad parent every now and then. You don't get the good without the bad though. That's parenting 101. Hell, that's life 101.

ouch

Yesterday's battle scar - fell in my own driveway. Oy, I am such a klutz.

At least it's giving me a reason to be wimpy and Justin and Sidney are being extra nice to me.

Sidney 2.7

Today Sidney surpassed the two-and-a-half mark. She is now two years and seven months. Crazy.

How did she get so big so fast?

And when did she get so pretty?

Or silly?

She still has those darling curls I love to snuggle and cuddle and breathe in deeply.

And those eyes, those deep blue eyes. Those sweet blue eyes that light up every morning, every day of my life.

I'm so excited for her third birthday. It'll be here before we know it. Right now she says she wants an "Ariel" themed birthday party but who knows. It might change a million times between now and September 5th. But for now, I'm looking forward to an awesome summer with my darling girl child, my sweet baby girl, my Sidney Morgan.

Who's ready for the next chapter in this crazy story called "life"?

Me, too, kiddo. Me, too.