RIP George

You don't grow up proper in the South without knowing and loving "The Possum"...

Rhealen & Me

Okay, so Rhealen is most definitely not my twin! She's her own little gal with the genetic lottery on her side! Who knows who this kid looks like?! One thing's for sure, though, I absolutely adore those big blue eyes. They could melt away the trouble of the world, those blue eyes.

Photo Source: Pam Burke Photography

Sidney & Me

Everyone always tells me that Sidney is a mini version of myself - and these pictures make it kind of crystal clear. She is most definitely my twin! I love this big little girl of mine, heart and soul.

Photo Credit: Pam Burke Photography

(I'll be sharing more of our recent shoot with Pam throughout the week - it's so amazing to finally have found a family photographer that I adore! We've got more sessions lined up for the rest of the year, and I know the results will be amazing. Her work is so beautiful, and she's a dream to work with. Anyone in the SWVA area looking for a fantastic photographer should definitely contact her, her work really does speak for itself!) 

One Week!!

Last night we celebrated our first week of officially living in the new digs!! 

Having the extra room we have now is incredible  it feels so different having a bedroom for everyone and two bathrooms to share. We have space and room and extra nooks and crannies all around us. We can invite people down for dinner or just to hang out. And it's amazing!!

Sometimes I feel a little insecure, almost embarrassed  to tell people we moved from one single-wide into another. But then I remind myself, quit that shit. We bought a four-bedroom house that we are paying for with money earned at our own jobs to give our children a home to grow up in. It doesn't matter what it looks like or where it came from or how it compares to other houses. We did (and are doing) what is best for our family right now, and we will continue to do only that. Sure, we could've gotten something bigger and "better", but we would've been sacrificing our quality of life. And we want to be able to still go out to nice dinners and buy the kids toys just because and take family vacations every year. We bought something with a mortgage that will give us all the house we need and still let us breathe every month. 

And why am I justifying myself? I don't know. But there it is. My justification that is completely unnecessary. 

I love our place, so much already. I can't wait to finish decorating and filling it full of memories with my sweet, little family. And I just need to let go of that voice inside my head that tells me things aren't good enough the way they are. 

Because they're fan-freaking-tastic just the way they are. Right now. 

And I never wanted nothing more. 

"Sometimes Things Just Suck"

I read back through some of my posts the other day, and a distinct similarity hit me: I've only been sharing the good lately. 

And luckily for us, things really have been mostly good as of late. We're all adjusting well to this whole "family of five" thing, and the kids are all healthy. Justin and I are getting along good, we finally got moved into our house over the weekend (!!!), and work is going good for the both of us. There's really not a lot to complain about, and overall, we're a pretty happy little bunch. 

Of course, that's not to say that we're living in this Beaver Cleaver, rosy-colored, perfect little bubble - far from it! There are bills that pile up and dirty laundry tends to take over our house (old and new at this point!) and the kids can drive anyone to the breaking point. 

There are moments when I fail as a mother. Jaxon is screaming his head off and nothing will soothe him. Rhealen is whiney after just waking up from her nap and demands to be held. Sidney is hungry and in need of a little attention, but I have none to give and dinner just has to wait until the little ones get calmed down. Justin is usually busy in the evenings when he first comes home from work, so he's not always available to help. And I resent him for being outside while I'm stuck inside with the kids. And then he walks into a house full of screaming, whining kids and a wife who's mad at him for no apparent reason, and suddenly the whole family is just sour. 

Those nights are typically few and far in between, but they happen. And when they do, there's really not a lot I can but throw my hands up and just give in to the madness. I'm learning to just laugh at it, roll with it, do my best to take it in stride - and when I can't - I don't punish myself for stepping away. The kids will be fine if I take five minutes to collect myself (most of the time they're already screaming in my arms, so what does it matter if they scream on the other side of the bedroom door?) There are times I don't want to be around them, just wish they would be perfectly silent for ten minutes, and think to myself, "what did I get into with these three?"

Parenting is hard work - don't ever let anyone tell you it isn't. The best babies are work. The best toddlers will still drive you mad. The most independent kid can still make parenting a living nightmare. It's a never-ending merry-go-round of emotions and needs to be met and a million worries. And we all fail at it, at one point or another. No one is the perfect mother or father, every day, all day, 365 days a year. 

Because what is perfection anyway?

I measure my parenting success by having (mostly) clean kids who are fed and happy. Anything beyond that is just a bonus. I am far from a perfect parent, and I'm sure there are people out there who question my parenting style (although I dare them to say something to me about it!)

My main point to all of this rambling is just to say that, yes, things are going great for us right now, but even in the middle of greatness there is ugly. And we all share pieces of that ugly, regardless of how perfect our life looks to the outside world. It's the little things that unite us as men, women, parents, human beings - and being willing to admit that sometimes things just suck is the holy grail of unity. 

From this...

...to this.

In just three months.
OHMYGAHD.




(FYI: my TT posts are on the back-burner for a little while, just feeling burnt out with them - I'm sure I'll start them up again sometime soon!)

Shtap!

This picture is from a few weeks ago, we've both had haircuts since! :)

Oh, this sweet little lady of mine! Her language skills are growing like wildfire, and some of the things that come out of her mouth just amaze me (and crack me up!) 

My absolute favorite thing she says is "shtap" or stop, in English. We play a little game where I ask her for a kiss and then blow a raspberry on her lips instead of kissing her; she'll wrinkle up her little nose and tell me to "shtap", and it's THE cutest thing. 

She also goes back and forth between calling her sister "sissy" and Sidney, which comes out sounding more like Cindy (I got used to that in Pre-K, no one could say Sidney but everyone could say Cindy!) - she still calls her brother "Jaxie", but I've also taught her to call him "buddy" (she says it Encino Man style! I love it!) 

We're working on identifying animals and the noises they make - she's got cow, dog, cat, bird, pig, and "Jack" down for sure. The rest are kind of unintelligible at this point, but we're working on it! I feel like I spent so much time just talk, talk, talking to Sidney - she could speak big words and sentences very early on. With Rhealen, I've fallen prey to that typical "second child syndrome", and she gets less and less of me (especially since Jaxon came into the picture!)

But still, I'm dedicated to educating her and letting her learn by example - we read and play and do all of the things that are normal and fun and "typical", even though my guilty heart knows we don't get to do it enough. Luckily for RJ, she's got a great big sister to help her when momma can't. Lately, the girls have loved each other and played so well together. It just warms my heart to see them together, their own little private girls club - they had their first ever spontaneous tea party the other day! 

I feel like I'm going to spend my life making things up to my middle child, my sweet Rhealen Jo. I just hope she knows how special she is, how much I love her little crazy self, and how I hope it's a long time before she learns how to enunciate correctly. I hope she never stops with the "shtap"... or at least not anytime soon! 

Finally, A Son

"You finally got your boy!"
"I'm so happy it's a boy this time."
"Justin must be so happy it's a boy."

I heard it all when I was pregnant - and it was all true. We did finally get a boy. Everyone, Justin included,  was so happy it was a boy on that sonogram. I was over the moon excited, and I felt more complete knowing a little dude was coming into our family. I always knew I was meant to have a son, felt it in my bones, even told Justin about it when we decided two was enough and we weren't going to have any more. I'm missing someone, I'm missing my boy. 

And of course, it wasn't like that with everyone. There were a lot of people who were just as excited for our first girl and second girl as we were, but no more excited for our first boy than the other two. We got a lot of "as long as it's healthy, that's all that matters" from a lot of different people. And I wish more people were like that. 

Why does our society treasure sons over daughters? What makes people think that a man needs a son to be completely happy? Of course, I'm sure Justin is over the moon he has a son, and his bond with Jaxon will be different than it is with either Sidney or Rhealen - I know all my ties to my children are different, stemming from the same place but woven uniquely for each child. I love them the same and differently still. And I don't let their birth order rank them in any way. 

But I'm glad Jaxon is the youngest, the little man in our girl-dominated clan. I hope his sisters can infuse a lot of their girlishness into him to help combat with the constant macho-fuel that will be thrown at Jax. Living where we do, in this day and age of ours, boys and girls are clearly defined as strong and weak, blue and pink. We're moving closer and closer to gender neutrality, but we still have so far to go. I want my girls to be confident as women and strong in their identity, and I want a son who feels empowered as a man and knows his place in the world. But I also want children who are empathetic and loving and open to the world around them. I want them to look at people and interact with the world as true individuals, who cross boundaries and break stereotypes. I don't want them defined as man or woman, but human. 

To this day, as much as I like to think I've grown and opened my eyes to the world around me, I still struggle with sexism and gender identity. I still fall prey to the stereotypes - I admit I am in no way perfect. 

Why is it so easy to dress Rhealen in a green T-Rex shirt or Sidney in camo, but I find myself hesitating to put Jaxon in a turquoise blue onesie with fuschia lettering? 

Why am I like that? Every time a thought like that crosses my mind, I want to kick myself - get over yourself, I scream internally. This is the kind of thinking I want to stay away from, and yet, it's ingrained in me. It's how I was raised, how I've learned to define boy and girl. And that needs to change. I need to change. A girl is not a tomboy just because she likes male-oriented things and a boy is not a sissy because he likes female-oriented things. THIS LOGIC IS INSANE! 

I know I can't change the world, but I can start with me. And I can start with my children. And maybe 100 years from now, little boys can play with Barbies without fear of embarrassment or being teased. Maybe little girls can grow up knowing they can do anything a boy can do, because there won't be these lines. Everything will be equal, free for all and all for everyone. It's good to know your place in the world, to find your identity and be confident in who you are as a person - I just hope my kids don't look to their genders as the cornerstone of that confidence or self-worth. 

And I wish the rest of the world would get on board, too, while we're at it. 

That Morning I Thought About Jessica Alba While I Showered (This Doesn't Go Where You Think It's Going...)

Finding time to shower these days is intereting, to say the least. I usually try to wait until early mornings, when the kids are still asleep but Justin is out of the house and on his way to work; that way, I can lesiurely shower, use all the hot water if I want to, and actually start my day on a clean note (it doesn't always happen this way, but I'm trying to make it my new normal...)

The other morning, I'm in the shower, just taking my sweet time, when I go to brush my teeth (anyone else do this in the shower? hello, mother of three kids here!) and a random thought hits me: what do all these natural, holistic, earthy people use for toothpaste? 

I read the ingredients list for my Crest toothpaste, and there are lots of things on there that I can't pronounce or comprehend at six o'clock in the morning - so that can't be the number one choice for "healthy-living" individuals. And then my mind somehow wondered to a person/mother I see in my mind as the poster girl for healthy living: Jessica Alba. 

And I thought, I wonder what kind of toothpaste Jessica Alba uses? She can't use something totally natural, her teeth are too freaking white and perfect and Hollywood-typical! She's lying to us all, standing behind her Honest company and still using chemically-enhanced toothpaste! The indignity  the injustice - just who does she think she is? 

And then I thought to myself: oh my god, who the hell cares? 

Obviously...I need a life. Or a damn radio or something to fill my mind while I shower. 

Ahh,YouTube. You know, you can find just about anything on the old tube of you. Music, books, dancing babies, makeup tutorials, previews - you name it, it's on there.

One of my favorite "themes" is the surprise! I'm pregnant! video, and I've rounded up some of my absolute favorites. Do you have any you love?

Jaxon - Month 3

Wowza! I have a three-month-old! 

I tell you, life is literally zooming by - it's just insane. At three months, Jaxon is a eating, sleeping, pooping champion! Over the weekend, he got introduced to some cereal in his milk and fell in love. This boy loves to eat, eat, eat - adding cereal to his milk just put him over the edge! 

He's finally starting to nap better (in his basinett, no less!) and hang out on his own for spurts. He's discovered that bright, colorful, animated box that is the "TV"! He'll sit in his little bouncy chair and stare at the ceiling light or out the window or look at his sisters. He's starting to "talk" more and wants so badly to sit up, it's killing him that he can't! 

We still sleep together on the couch, but I'll admit this is mostly my fault - sure, he's spoiled and loves being held, but I admit that I love holding him. Just last night he slept in his bassinet for a good 3.5 hours, but when he woke up to eat again and then fell right back asleep, I had to lay him down with me. I almost put him back in his bassinet (which I totally should of done) but I just couldn't. He's my last baby and this is all going by so fast anyway. I'll spoil him a little longer and hold him while he lets me...or until I have to buy a bigger couch for the two of us! 

I love all his little faces, his grunts and giggles. I love his rolls and his one long hair that sticks up off the top of his head. I love his little feet and short, stubby legs. I love his almost-cry. There's just so much about him that I adore (well, duh!), it's just crazy to think these three months are already come and gone. 

Happy three months, my sweet Jaxon bug! 

New to Me Music

Girl has got some pipes on her. And no matter what "they" might say, I think she's even better than Beyonce.

I love any music that has a hymnal feel to it - I don't miss going to church but I do miss singing church music.