"It's natural, especially in the beginning of your marriage, to keep those doubts in your head. But the sooner you can let go of the idea that marriage is temporary -- and will end if certain awful conditions are met -- the sooner you will let go of all kinds of conflict and stress." - Lydia Netzer: 15 Ways to Stay Married for 15 Years
Last Wednesday, Justin and I celebrated our third anniversary. Three years of wedded "bliss" and a grand total of nine years "together". There have many ups and downs, ins and outs, you vs. me that has happened between us over the years. There are battle wounds that will never completely heal but remain within us, reminding us of where we've been and how far we've come...and how far we can still go.
After reading Lydia Netzer's article, I found myself doing some reflection, and I realized: for three years I've been holding my breath, waiting to see if this really was
marriage. Justin and I are definitely out of the "newlywed" phase of our marriage and have settled into this comfortable space of being. It's familiar and easy and, most of the time, requires little from either of us to make it work.
Of course, there are the days when the space between us feels endless - as if we know each other
too well and are
too comfortable in this marriage. We know each other inside and out, and yet we look at each other and can't find a trace of recognition in each other.
It's a startling realization, when after almost a decade together, you make a new discovery about your significant other. Startling and wonderful, in a way, because it reminds you - you don't know it all. Not yet. There are still mysteries to solve, layers to peel back and surprises to behold.
Within this new space of comfort and ease, I have to force myself to admit that I am guilty of thinking in definite time periods. Justin and I made it three years - will we make it five? Ten? Twelve? Where is the finish line and just how far do I really think I can make it beside him? The romantic inside me has no problem imagining a life with him forever, gray and old and surrounded by our grand-children, still madly in love with a lifetime of faithful, warm memories tucked under our belt. But the realist in me says otherwise; her voice is there, nagging at me with statistics and an attitude of
"this will end...eventually" because so many marriages do.
It's hard to let those thoughts go and allow myself to believe, to truly envelope myself in the idea that this marriage will last. Forever. That Justin is my husband, one and only, and I'll never refer to him as my "first husband". It's terrifying, and quite honestly, I'm not sure how people do it. It's only natural to want to protect our hearts; to wrap a little piece of doubt up and keep it tucked away. Just so when things go south, we can pull out that little doubt and remind ourselves we knew this was an eventuality. It was only a matter of time. Being prepared, even in some small way, has to soften the blow. Doesn't it?
I realize some marriages end in divorce and for good reason. It's the only choice left to be made, and in many cases, is the
right choice. People change, love is lost and, sometimes, it really is no one's fault. You can give your heart and soul to someone, work on your marriage everyday for years, and in the end, it just doesn't work. That doesn't make you or your marriage a failure, it's only a natural progression of living and being with someone. All things come to an end, eventually, one way or another, whether it be death that does you apart or the span of time and hearts that grow apart and never back together.
Knowing all this makes it even harder for me to clear the cobwebs of doubt and let myself believe I'm in this for the long haul. And so is Justin. We're in this together, and I have to trust that the bottom isn't going to fall out. Things aren't going to fall by the wayside, and no matter what happens in our marriage, it will be still be our marriage at the end of the day. He will always be my husband.
It's going to take some time to really believe this. "They" say it takes 21 days to form a new habit, so for the next 21 days I'm going to wake up every day and commit to my husband again. And I refuse to let myself think it terms that aren't infinite, binding, and full of love.
