In honor of the end of the world tomorrow (or is it today?). Might as well, right?

my sense of humor is clearly better than my sense of fashion

So the other day I had some time to kill and I thought to myself, "hey, why not go try on some clothes!"

Whenever I'm bored and have some extra time I like to go look at things just for shits and giggles, things I don't intend to buy but just enjoy looking at (if you work on commission anywhere, sorry that's just how I roll). I like to test drive cars just for fun, go look at mobile homes for the heck of it, and apparently, try on clothes just to make a blog post out of it!

And let me say, the "fashion" of today scares me. Like, really scares me.

I discovered two things while browsing around:
#1 I have a very distinct pattern of things I like to wear
#2 I am way out of touch with the "in" crowd when it comes to clothes

So without further ado, here are some looks I put together that are flattering, horrifying and everything in between!

Look #1


At first, I thought to myself, "This isn't half bad" - then I tried to move around a little to see how it looked.



And then I was all, "WHAT THE HELL?" - this shirt is the absolute least flattering thing I've ever put on my body. Who does this look good on?

Correct answer: no one.

Look #2


I like this shirt - I think I have this shirt in about 10 different patterns and colors at home. It's a definite thumbs-up for me.

Look #3


And to get all saucy and daring, I threw on a little caplet thing. And I felt like such a hipster!

Look #4


I loved this pattern and this material, but it was a wee big tight on me. Looks pretty good standing there, sucking my gut in, but as soon as I sat down the rolls came popping out all over. Not hot.

Look #5


Definitely a thumbs down! You can totally see my bra and my muffin top pooching out over my jeans. I know what you're thinking, "just wear a tank underneath" but no. I don't want to buy a shirt that I have to wear another shirt underneath it just to be decent in public.

Look #6


Okay, here's thing about this shirt: I do not wear belts of any kind. Not on my pants, not around my shirts. But I know this is trendy, so I figured I'd give it a try. Looks so-so from the front, right? Not too bad?

Well look at the side-view:


My back-fat is totally munching on some belt. Not exactly hot in my book. I think I'll live this trend to the hipsters and skinny bitches.

Look #7


This shirt, as corny as it is, is totally up my alley! I feel like John Travolta (obviously) and very comfortable.

And as you can see, the best part:


No back-fat, baby!

Look #8


This top? I love it. I love everything about it. It's black. It's flattering. It's black. It's girly. It's black. I die.

Look #9


And to finish off our fashion show, I thought I'd try on a dress - but I wasn't about to take my pants off because then you'd see my pale white legs and lovely, unshaven hairs. So this is what you get. I feel like a total hippie in this dress, and not the good kind. The cheap, trying-too-hard, polyester version.

And double-whammy:


Why, yes, I did just have a baby. Eight months ago.

As you can see, clearly I have zero fashion sense. But I do have a sense of humor. And that makes any trip to the dressing room a little bit more tolerable!

to the punkin' patch

 Monday, Sidney and I went to the Punkin' Patch with her PreK class; it was our first official "field trip" and I can now proudly say, "damn! I feel old."

I'm the mom on the field trips now -- the one responsible for packing snacks and holding hands and keeping up with busy little bodies. Time is zooming by at warp speed, and suddenly, it's my kid on the school bus and my kid taking trips with friends. Wow...

We had a blast, rounded up some great pumpkins (at even greater prices!) and did it all without any meltdowns or blowups.

Sidney is at the best age right now -- she loves everything and has such appreciation for the most simple of treats. There's no need for fancy or flashy, as long as it's fun. I can't wait 'til RJ gets to this age. Babies are fun and toddlers are great, but there's just something magical about a school-aged kid.

 Magical, I tell ya. 

Breaking It Down: Hold My Hand

With a little love and some tenderness

Okay we're off to a good start here, although I'd prefer a lot of love and more tenderness.

We'll walk upon the water, we'll rise above the mess

Wait, you mean like Jesus? Cool, I'm down with that. I'd rather walk above this mess than clean it any day.

With a little peace and some harmony

This is feeling very religious right about now. Are you preaching to me?

We'll take the world together, we'll take them by the hand

Who are we taking by the hand? I thought this was just supposed to be me and you. I'm not down for more than some one-on-one action.

'Cause I've got a hand for you

Well now I'm wondering what it is exactly you want me to do with that hand.

'Cause I wanna run with you

Now where are we going? All of this world travel is making me very tired. Making me tired isn't going to inspire me to do anything with that hand of yours.

Yesterday, I saw you standing there.

Okay, creeper. Do you do this sort of thing often?

Your head was down, your eyes were red, no comb had touched your hair

Well, excuse me, asshole. It's called a hangover. I had just woken up and had to be at McDonald's in ten minutes or else I'd never get my Egg McMuffin and this bitch can't live without her morning McMuffin. Next time, I'll remember your creeping eyes are watching me and I'll brush my hair, okay?

I said, "Get up and let me see you smile"

Again, there's no need for to be so damn pushy. I'm waiting on my McMuffin and I'll get up when I feel like it.

"We'll take a walk together, walk the road awhile"

The last thing I want to do right now is go for a walk around the world with you and your hand. Didn't you hear me? I'm hungover as hell right now.

'Cause I've got a hand for you

Listen mister, you can take your hand and shove it where the sun doesn't shine. Wait, hold that thought-

'Cause I wanna run with you

I'm not running anywhere, dude. I'm fat and hungry and too tired to think at this point.

Won't you let me run with you?

Hell to the no.

Hold my hand.

.....

Hold my hand

Just because you keep asking, doesn't mean I'm going to say yes

Hold my hand

Okay, if I hold your hand will you shut the hell up?

See I was wasted and I was wasting time

Why didn't you tell me you were wasted, too? We could've saved a lot of time with the stupid conversation if you'd admitted it up front.

'Til I thought about your problems, I thought about your crimes

What crimes? The only problem I have right now is your stalking ass getting in between me and my Egg McMuffin

Then I stood up and then I screamed aloud

Great, now everyone is looking.

"I don't want be part of your problems, don't want to be part of your crowd"

Back off, mister, you're the one who came here begging to hold my hand and shit.

'Cause I've got a hand for you

And I'm about to slap you across the mouth with my left hand, bro

'Cause I want to run with you

I'm about to run over you if you don't leave me the hell alone

Hold my hand

No

Hold my hand

Eat me

Hold my hand

Really, dude?

I want to love you the best that, the best that I can

I think you might be bi-polar. Maybe I should take you to the doctor or something. Wait, here's my Egg McMuffin. I think I'll just leave now, if that's okay with you.

Hold my hand

Dear mother of g-d, go away.

Hold my hand

I'm leaving now.



{Hootie & the Blowfish -- Hold My Hand}

{Five Question Friday: Feat IROCKSOWHAT}

Today's awesome guest-blogger is Jessica from IROCKSOWHAT -- if you're looking for an honest and open mom/life blogger, look no further! Jessica is the epitome of a fun personality, and I love reading her blog. It's one of my daily visits! She also does custom banner designs and is an all-around talented little lady!

Be sure to stop by and tell her I sent you!

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{What's your favorite song to karaoke to and why?}

I don't have a favorite song to karaoke to. I've only done karaoke like twice in my life and I think I sang Beatles songs since I know all the words. :(

{East Coast or West Coast?}

I'd have to say West Coast. I'm from the East Coast and I'm so over it that the West Coast seems so appealing. Plus my husband is from there and we've made multiple visits.. actually, there's a big West Coast move being planned in the Craig household.

 

{Do you usually prefer books or movies?}

MOVIES DUH! I'm too A.D.D. to sit and look at words on a page. I love the TV and I will probably always choose to watch a movie than read the book. I'm shallow, yeah...I know.

 

{How do you vent your anger?}

Like every single woman in this world, I vent to my husband (or in other cases- boyfriend, partner, etc.). He hears it all. I'm very surprised he's still around after all these years.

 

{Name one thing you worry about running out of.}

WHOLE MILK. We're constantly running out and getting more because we're seriously almost out! But if we're talking about something that I use, probably BEDHEAD hairspray. I love it.

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Thank you so much Jessica for guest-blogging! Be sure to check out Jessica at her blog

{If you would like to be a guest-blogger, feel free to email me -> maryruthcan(at)hotmail(dot)com} 

the earthquake heard barely anywhere in the world

Yeah, I didn't feel a thing yesterday.

Source: None via Mary on Pinterest

People in California have to be laughing their asses off at us.

{Five Question Friday: Feat. The Walmart Gourmet}

Today marks the start of a new series! Each Friday I will feature a guest blogger who shares their fun and random answers to five run and random questions!

I wanted to start this series to better acquaint myself with other bloggers, while introducing readers to new and exciting blogs. All of the guest bloggers featured here have amazing blogs that I read daily (sometimes hourly!). I encourage you to check out their blogs and let them know you found them through these postings! Blogging is all about networking and encouraging each other to keep sharing our stories with the world. I hope this new series inspires all of us to be better bloggers (and readers), while having lots of fun!

So without further ado, I want to introduce you to Leah from The WalMart Gourmet - I love Leah's blog! She's honest and upfront about her entire life, a quality I admire so much in a blogger! She's a hoot to follow on Twitter and always makes me laugh. Her tales of Adam Richman kept me laughing for weeks - be sure to go say "hello" and tell her I sent you!

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{Who was the hottest teacher you ever had?}

Not gonna lie, I totally took this one to my Facebook Page. I grew up in a small, small town. I was pretty sure we didn't have any hot teachers, but I needed backup. Since all of the teachers were friends of my parents, my views are pretty skewed. So my "official" answer is.....MY PARENTS! Because the created me. Obviously.

{What's the strangest talent you have?}

Hmmm. Strange talent? I can sing the hell out of some karoke, but I don't think that's strange. And I'm pretty sure I need to keep this PG 13, so I'm gonna go with none. I am utterly and completely talentless. Strange or otherwise.

{How many times have you been cussed out and why?}

Let's not count cussings out related to my douchebag ex, mmkay? That aside, just one. Many years ago, my BFF found herself in a 'situation' with an 'attached' man. In her defense, he totally lied to her and said he was not 'with' his girlfriend at the time. The next day, we all found ourselves together at a golf tournament. The idiot boy (and really, aren't they all) brought the girlfriend he was supposedly broken up with. I can't remember exactly what happened (it's possible a few beers were consumed), but somehow the girlfriend found out. She cussed us both out and with my beer courage, I jumped to my BFF's defense. I actually drew back my fist to punch her! It's the closest I had ever (and since) come to getting in a fight with anyone! My friends stopped me from hitting the chick, but I kind of wish they would have let me. It would have been awesome to have 'I decked a bitch' on my resume.

{What's the weirdest thing you've done while driving?}

Are we talking me actually behind the wheel? In that case, nothing super weird. Probably just taking off my bra or something. Now; while someone else is driving? Let's just say I'm glad we didn't get in a wreck.

{Name something you do when you're alone that you won't do in front of others.}

This is hard. I'm an open book. Really. Just read my blog and you will know this is true. I have no shame. Except digging my underwear out of my ass. I usually don't let people see that.

Thank you so much for asking me to answer these questions! This was super duper fun!

----------

Thank you so much Leah for being my first guest blogger! Be sure to check out Leah at her blog and on facebook.

 

 

{If you would like to be a guest blogger, feel free to email me -> maryruthcan(at)hotmail(dot)com}

iSpy

One of Sidney's favorite games to play nowadays is "I Spy" - which is easy and quick and you can play it practially anywhere! Good choice, on my little gal's part! We usually play in the car and our conversations go something like this:

it's Friday (but you didn't need me to tell you that, did you?)

Once again we've made it to Friday (woot!) and I can't help but feel a little excited about it.

This is the point in the week that if I could have a stiff drink, I would. So have one for me all you non-pregnant people in the world. I live vicariously through your delirious drunken-ness. Have a good weekend!



ED: Cool fact, this is my 600th post! Viva la blog revolucion!

how very snake-like of me...

WARNING: If pictures of dead skin or talking about dead skin totally grosses you out, I'd avoid this post if possible. 'Cause I'm totally going to be talking about my dead skin and showing you dead skin pictures. Ye be warned, friends.


So, yeah, I've got dead skin falling off my legs at the speed of light. When I move a little too fast it looks like my legs are snowing. It's all kinds of "dandruff" looking going on below my knees. My husband has to control himself constantly, it's that sexy.

Don't believe me? Well, for your viewing pleasure:

See? What'd I tell you? And this is after this morning's shower and generous scrubbing. I just keep peeling and peeling and peeling and peeling...it's never-ending. How many layers of dead skin have I been building up all winter long? I'll admit, I have no skin care regiment. I don't do lotions or sprays or anything that might prevent this, so it's all my fault. But DAMN! that's some dead skin, right?

I showed all my friends (hi, friends!) on Twitter this morning and the lovely Heather (@dreamheavy) suggested that I use packaging tape to rip the dead skin off. Sounded a little crazy, but totally logical in one of those "sounds crazy but is really logical" ways.

I couldn't find any packaging tape in the office, but I do have my handy Scotch tape on my desk.

Yes, I totally did that. It took a little while, and I'm pretty sure I owe my boss some reimbursement for using up most of the office supplies. It sort-of did the trick. I'm thinking packaging tape can't be substituted with Scotch tape in a case like this. I wonder if anyone in this building would loan me some?

Now all I have to do is figure out who to give my Scotch-tape dead-skin ball to.

Anyone want a free Scotch-tape dead-skin ball thing? I feel like an expert CSI looking at this - don't ask me why.

I'm definitely "winning" this morning, if I do say so myself. And just because I'm on a high, here's a little narcissim for you all.

Dead skin Thursdays for the win!

fat chicks need love, too

Sing it like you mean it, ladies. For serious.


PS I love this song but had forgotten how ridiculously bad this video is - I've been cracking up all morning watching it on repeat!

lil' queen

SidMo was in a beauty pageant yesterday - the little local one we do every year.

She did *much* better this year than last year - there was very little crying and no 3 o'clock meltdown. I know some people think pageants for little girls are just another way society is trying to dumb down woman and exploit their love of all things beauty-related. And I agree, to a certain extent. I'd never be a "toddlers and tiaras" kind of mom. We do this once a year, and SidMo really enjoys it - she'd enjoy it a lot better if no one clapped or cheered for her, as weird as that sounds. But she enjoys dressing up and being girly, she just doesn't appreciate all the attention she gets on-stage.

She definitely marches to the beat of her own little drum. She's the perfect mix of girly and giddy and rough and tumble. Silly and sweet, cute and crazy. I was very proud of her for conquering her fears (a little better than usual) and I'm hoping its things like these little pageants that help her get over her irrational fears - like the fear of the "happy birthday" song. But that's a post for another day.

Here she is in all her pageant cuteness and kookiness.

*she got 3rd runner up, by the way, and was incredibly proud of herself.*

you need to laugh today AND look at my new blog header

And if that doesn't make you laugh, nothing will.

*Note the fabulous new blog header I have now - I'll be giving you all the amazing details tomorrow!!! So come back for some really valuable information!*

face of my facebook (now with fixed link!)

I've had my same Facebook account for four years (technically, this December will be four years). And today I got a little sentimental going back and looking at the 120+ profile images I've had over these past four years.
And since I'm feeling sentimental (and I don't have extra time/effort to post anything of real meat or merit), I'm going to share these past four years on Facebook profile pictures with YOU!


2006

Justin looks hairy; I look scary

2007

What you can't see is the big belly underneath!

There's the baby belly!!!

Sidney's first Christmas (on facebook)

2008

The dream job I always wanted in school (movie-rental store? wtf!) and then only kept for about three months, ha!

Kissin' cousins?! more like inappropriately touching cousins (I joke, I joke) Dobby & I are just very comfortable with each other..wait, that still sounds perverted! dammit! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, RIGHT?

In this town, you gotta be willing to kiss a little ass (jackass, that is)

Our first Halloween spent together - and that lemon lollipop is all SidMo ate all day and/or night!

2009

This makes me miss my long hair...sort of.

The most beautiful sleeping babe...ever

Y'all know what that is!

2010

Turkey leg = GREATEST FOOD EVER

Back in the snow that never went away - all winter long!

Summer '10 - it's been blissful thus far...

So yeah, I'm one of these people that could never delete my Facebook. There are too many memories, too many pictures (that I don't have saved to backup yet) and to even think of getting rid of them makes me very sad.

And because I love you (and trust most of you) here's the link to my Facebook page. If I know you as a faithful blog friend, I'll add you. If not, sorry Charlie.

what Sidney wants...

she usually gets!

And she says she wants a "Dora" themed party for her 3rd birthday, coming up September 5th. So what's a Mom to do?

Well this Momma is giving in to the wishes of her sweetest toddler and throwing a Dora-themed party. My hunt for ideas and inspiration began tonight. I'm trying to with a more Dora-inspired party than just a straight from the shelves Dora party, if you know what I mean.

If you have ANY tips or if there's a direction you can point me in, I'd gladly accept the help!

For her, it's totally worth all the Dora-headache!

SidMo on her first birthday...

very wrong of me...

...but I still find this very damn funny.

the school of drive

So last night I had driving school (yada yada  a ticket back in March - I was only going 84 in a 65, oops!)...

And needless to say there couldn't have been a more perfectly horribly wonderful driving school ever. The mix of the class was great: you had the little old man who had to be at least 75 and was caught doing 80 in a 50, but really he could care less about it all. There were two girls sitting directly behind me, even though I moved once and they followed, who were trying out out-impress the other one with their reckless driving stories. The 17-year-old blonde was, like, totally amazed that the 18-year-old brunette had, like, been in driving school, like, three times before, and like, she was just so crazy! Ohmigod! I wish I were being stereotypical here, but trust me, I'm not. There was the four-months pregnant smoker who was pissed at the world and almost got into an altercation with the ex-marine who obviously was from the North, if you know what I mean, and they both dropped more "F" bombs than Samuel L. Jackson during Pulp Fiction. There was the Nascar-loving, Nascar-driving man sitting beside me who treated driving school like it was church - every five seconds he was "uh-uh" and "yessir" and "you got that right". I fully expected him to stand up in the middle of it all and confess his unholy driving sins to the room. Testify! There were the two 16-year-old boys who'd been caught doing something very illegal but would never admit to much - they mostly kept to their greasy hair, acne face, basketball short wearing selfs. Never before had I been in a room with so much diversity, and I've been places people!

Our teacher was a lovely Southern gentlemen who had the most enrapturing drawl about him I'd ever heard before. He looked like Colonel Sanders on a diet, but he was just peachy y'all. Mint juleps and Savannah, GA and Gone With The Wind sweet tea hay-chewing "yes m'am" kind of Southern! I love it! I mean, I'm a proud Southern gal, but this man was Southern.

The class was four hours long and pretty much as awful as driving school can be - some lame AAA videos and boring lectures and a few interesting exercises. I figured we'd all have to confess our sins, but thank god we didn't because Bonnie the School Bus Driver would've spent three hours talking about the time these kids got together and made a human-shield so that this harlot that rode her bus could escape with her boyfriend and SHE got in trouble, can you believe it?!?! True story.

The best part of the entire night came when Mr. Colonel Sanders look-a-like showed us a video, one I was able to find on YouTube thankfully (although the minions on YT say it's fake, but I don't care - fake is funny). We watched the video and then the little old man I mentioned earlier piped up (after not saying a word all night) and said, "DAMN!" The best part of the entire night, ladies and gentlemen.

 

"DAMN!" is right. I think I love driving school now. I take that back, I love all the people out there like me who wind up in driving school.  

you can get me a turtleburger for mother's day

Because, yes, I think these look crazy and delicious. And my arteries are clogging just from licking the computer screen.

Spotted here.

my husband finally got lucky

What? You thought I was talking about sex, didn't you?

Happy April Fool's Day!

(Whilest I'm slaving away, my husband's out on a beautiful lake fishing all day. Raise your hand if you think this is totally freaking unfair, 'cause it totally freaking is!)

happy, happy birthday

Today is my beloved husband's 23rd birthday - and I can think of no greater way to spend it than eating lots of cake and dancey-dancing around to the Ting Tings Happy Birthday song.

(Side note: Sidney is TERRIFIED of the regular "Happy Birthday" song - like, she cowers in fear and cries 'til it's over, especially if a large group of people are singing it and clapping their hands. It's always fun to be sitting next to the booth at a restuarant where someone's celebrating their birthday...good times)

So to my wonderful husband, with whom I've had the privilege of being there for the last seven birthdays, I say HAPPY BIRTHDAY my love. I hope you get everything you're wanting and then some as long as you and Sidney share the cake with me.