the perfect words.

"Sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it. Because if we actually felt how much we love them, it would kill us. That doesn't make you a bad person. It just means your heart's too big." -- Riding in Cars With Boys

I like to think that pretty much sums up how I've been feeling for nearly the last six months. I'm so grateful for the ability to look back on the past, even the recent past, and see how far I've come. It gives me hope to imagine how much farther I can go yet. 

the weekend that flew by!

Our Thanksgiving break was insane -- totally busy and buzzing, lots of food and family. The girls were kissed and cuddled to the point of exhaustion. I took maybe three photos of our three different Thanksgiving feasts -- I feel like such a lame duck. LeAnna and Matt's wedding was Saturday, which was amazing, but also very busy. Yesterday was full-on recovery mode, trying to clean up the house and get ready for this week. I've got graduation Wednesday night (yay) plus lots of little side jobs in the works. One major holiday down, one more to go before 2012.

Thank our lucky stars we made it this far.

giving thanks

99.9% of the people in my Facebook stream have been doing the daily "Thankful" posts, but I thought I'd save some time (and energy and space) and list them all here monthly. Thirty things I'm thankful for, not only during this Thanksgiving month, but all the days and months and years of my life.

1. I'm thankful for my children, my beautiful daughters who came into this world healthy and prove to be happy individuals. I am doubly blessed without reason, and I could not be more in love with these two littles.
2. I'm thankful for my husband, Justin. He's my best friend in the world, and there's not a moment that goes by that I don't love him and wish the world for him. I don't know how we made it this far, but I can only hope for more.
3. I'm thankful for my parents. My mother is like the tide, constant and strong. She's unwavering, and she's taught me what it means to be a good mother in words and actions, year after year. I wish my Dad lived closer, sometimes, I feel like a piece of me is missing. He's always just a phone call away, and sometimes it's scary how much we have in common at any given point in our lives on any given topic.
4. I'm thankful for my health. I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it. Well, not exactly. But I am here and happy and prospering. Life is a short ride, and so far, I'm making the best of it.
5. I'm thankful for cheesecake. There can never be enough cheesecake in my life.
6. I'm thankful for this blog and the opportunities it has given me. I've broadened my horizons, even if only in this virtual world, and I'm a much better person for the experience.
7. I'm thankful for a job. Times are tough, and there are so many people out there struggling. Even as I'm graduating and heading out into a field I'm not familiar with, I'm thankful to have had a steady job for the past three years. It has allowed me to grow and contribute, and I couldn't ask for anything more.
8. I'm thankful for caller ID. Thank you, cell phone gods.
9. I'm thankful for our military. I'm so grateful my *new* brother-in-law is home safely (and hopefully for good); I can't imagine having loved ones still serving overseas.
10. I'm thankful for a healthy baby girl and a SUPER easy delivery this year.
11. I'm thankful for the health of my Papaw - he scared us good the last few weeks but is improving more and more each day.
12. I'm thankful for good books and bad movies. I can never get enough of either.
13. I'm thankful for a roof over my family's head. It may not be the biggest or fanciest roof, but it's warm and it shelters the ones I love the most. Who could ask for more?
14. I'm thankful for salt. I eat it on everything.
15. I'm thankful for early morning routines and family movie nights - creating traditions with my family is always a joy.
16. I'm thankful for the two best friends a girl could ever ask for: Cassie and Dobby. They complete me.
17. I'm thankful for calculators, spellcheck and caller ID. Greatest inventions ever.
18. I'm thankful for captions on TV; they remind me of watching TV with my Mamaw Edith and I love to watch TV with them on. Added bonus: it drives Justin crazy!
19. I'm thankful for my Mamaw Mary who is the best cook ever; she is always willing to make me dinner whenever I ask, whatever I want.
20. I'm thankful for a car to get me from point A to B. It's not the fanciest, but it's taken me on many joy rides over the last four years.
21. I'm thankful for forgiveness. I receive it more than I should and give it less than I ought to. But it's always there when I need it most.
22. I'm thankful for the years I got to spend with my Papaw Bud. I was lucky enough to have all four grand-parents living for most of my young life, and I never really appreciated them all until I got older. I'd give a day of my life to bring him back, but I know he's upstairs keeping a watchful eye on me every day.
23. I'm thankful for puppies and kittens and all the cute baby animals of the world. I've gone six months without a dog, by far the longest I've ever gone without owning one, and it's nearly killing me. I need a puppy in my life!
24. I'm thankful for card night and friends. It's the little things in life that mean the most sometimes!
25. I'm thankful for being able to appreciate the fact there are four living generations of women on my mother's side. Moments when we're all gathered together nearly melt my heart.
26. I'm thankful for that moment at the end of the day when you can finally take off your bra: best moment ever.
27. I'm thankful for lists - they force to you take stock of your life (just like this list is making me do)!
28. I'm thankful that I married a man who has the best sense of humor - every day with him is like being back in school.
29. I'm thankful to have grown up when I did - I have the best memories of listening to NYSNC on the radio, watching Titanic in the theater seven or eight times, playing the game MASH over and over again, and having the biggest crush on Taylor Hanson. Proud 90s child here!
30. I'm thankful for my life, for each morning I wake up to the smiling faces around me. I'm thankful for another year on Earth and for the gift of my life.

What are you thankful for this year?

now.

It's hard for me to imagine there was a time, not so long ago, when I couldn't figure out my feelings for this little girl. There was a time when I felt kind of numb towards her, felt this guilt that I wasn't madly in love with her. She was just "there", and I just felt very indifferent towards her. It's embarrassing to say, but it's honest. I didn't have those familiar feelings I had when Sidney was born. I didn't feel that rush of love and that inseparable bond with her. 

But now? Now? 

Now there is nothing but this deep-rooted, endless love. Now, I feel like she's this extension of me, in some ways more so than Sidney. Sidney is my heart. Rhealen is my soul. With them, I'm complete. Rhealen is different than Sidney, in more ways than one, but mostly in her way of loving and being with others. Sidney is totally open to everyone, she never meets a stranger and would willingly go with and to anyone. Rhealen is more reserved; she has favorites and doesn't open to everyone the same way Sidney always has. She's attached to a small group of family members and prefers them over anyone else. 

And above all? She prefers me. The feeling I get when she sees me and I see her and our eyes light up - it's indescribable. She gets the biggest gummy grin across her face, her legs go to wildly kicking and she squeals with pure delight. It's intoxicating. I had forgotten this. I've forgotten so much since Sidney was a baby, apparently. 

I have no reservations now, no feelings of angst or guilt that I'm not feeling the way I should. I'm madly in love with both my daughters, each in their special little ways. My  heart is full, there's not an ounce left over to give or receive. And I'm thankful for those weeks of doubt; if anything, they proved to me that we all mother differently. We all feel differently. There is no one right way of doing or feeling anything. I have gained so much compassion and understanding for mothers who go through PPD or any mother who isn't feeling the way she expected to or wanted to feel. I've been there, to some degree or another, and I came through. To the other mothers out there, you will get through it, too. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

And there are also sweet babies, like mine, waiting for you. 

four-eyes

Kids should come with instructions. And warning labels. And 1-800 numbers to call when things go wrong.

"Hello, Operator? My kid just asked me if  "Hell" is a bad word, what the hell do I say?"

One thing I love about Sidney's age is the element of surprise that happens during daily conversations. She has the cutest ability to catch me off guard with the things she can think of sometimes.

"Mom, I think the leaves are falling because they just got too heavy. The trees are tired."
"Mom, did you know apple juice makes you poop easy?"
"Mom, is it okay if I hit Sissy, real easy, when she kicks me? BUT you spank me!"
"Mom, can we get a sleep number bed?"
"Mom, you remember when I was a kid....."

She picks up everything, knows so much about so many things I didn't even realize she'd learned yet. She may act like she doesn't hear me a lot of the time, but she hears everything. She knows it all. I love this age she's at. I've always said two was one of my favorite ages, but four is proving to be just as fun.

Sure, she's got that wonderful four-year-old diva attitude. She can still throw a temper tantrum like no one's business. She's got sass and spunk and a smart-mouth for miles sometimes. But she's just so smart, so willing to learn and listen and get my opinion about the world. She wants to know what I think, how I feel about things. Honestly, it's kind of refreshing.

I'm very cautious to spout my opinions, although it's nice to be asked, because I want her to have her own. I want her to think and reason and figure out how she feels about things, even if she is only four. Don't discredit four year olds, they can have very deep rooted emotions about all kinds of things. Given the chance, they can blow your mind with profound insight and wit.

And, of course, they can remind you of the beauty of play. The simple things. Coloring. Dancing. Singing. Cooking. Dreaming. Kissing. To look at everyday tasks through the eyes of a four year old is to see beauty in everything. I love seeing the beauty of the world through this beauty.

I love her little four-year-old self.

the qualified review of Breaking Dawn: Part One by an unqualified reviewer

I'm writing this now (Saturday night, 10:45) while the memory is fresh in my head. I've just gotten home from Kingsport, the girls asleep and my head filled with the fuzzy, warm memories of a good night at the movies. Save for our horrible experience at dinner, this evening was perfect. Me, six of my girlfriends and one feller who got roped in (sorry, Gerald!) all sat our butts down at 6:30 tonight to watch THE movie I've been waiting to see for over a year now...Breaking Dawn: Part One. Here is my unofficial official review.

Let me start by saying, I'm obviously a huge fan of this movie. I have several other posts here on the blog dedicated to all things Twilight. I knew what to expect of this movie. I knew what I wanted to see and could only hope the movie delivered.

The movie mostly delivered. Breaking Dawn, the book, was hard to read in my opinion. It felt like I was all over the place getting three different viewpoints on the same story, and I could barely keep up. Not easy or fun for me. The movie, thankfully, is still mostly from Bella's viewpoint, although I was glad to see Jacob's POV was fairly represented in the movie. For me, that was the best part of the book. I enjoyed seeing things through Jacob's viewfinder much better than through Bella's. In the scene where Jacob sees Rennesme for the first time, I could hear Jacob's words echoing in my mind about feeling the "cables" pulling at his heart. I, for one, was very glad to see the werewolf side of the story shown more in this movie than in others.

The big honeymoon scene everyone was just dying to see? Meh. It obviously would've been a thousand times better if they would've kept the "R" rating instead of "PG-13", but still that wouldn't have helped out a whole lot. It feels almost awkward to watch Bella & Edward "love" scenes now. It's almost like I know them too well, it's too personal - maybe it was because we were sitting in the very front row, but I just felt like I was their friend spying on them. It wasn't comfortable. That could also be due to Dobby's wonderful masturbating comments during the ocean scene (commenting on how Edward looked like he was "whacking off", not that Dobby was masturbating during the movie or anything - just to clarify).

I laughed a lot during the movie, Dobby cried a lot. I think Samantha was just mostly bored. Miranda kept having to speak the dialogue for Meghan who couldn't hear. I think Gerald was suprised by how much he didn't hate the movie. And Cassie was keeping bets on if/when Dobby would cry during the movie. Pretty typical stuff, I'd say.

The birthing scene was rough - like, so rough I couldn't watch most of it. Maybe it's the fact that I just gave birth myself less than six months ago, or maybe it's the fact that I couldn't stand to see Edward ripping through Bella's placenta with his mouth...there was just something off putting about the whole thing. I was glad to see the scene given it's due with gore, however, because the book explained it in great detail, too, from what I recall.

Also, mad props to whoever was in charge of special effects for Bella. Emaciated isn't even the word, girl looked like a walking corpse. They did an amazing job on that, I give them credit!

The scenery in this movie was gorgeous, especially the wedding scene. Dress was "meh" for me too, especially being Carolina Herrera (is that correct? someone check me) but the back of the dress was divine. Charlie was usual funny Charlie, his is a character that needs more screen time in my book.

The wolfpack was good as always, hot and tan and sexy and brooding. Like I said before, I was glad to see their side of the story shared more in this movie. Maybe it's just 'cause I've always been a Team Jacob girl, I just appreciate me some werewolves.

The dialogue in the movie kind of killed me - wasn't exactly what I'd expect from the second to last movie. You'd think they'd be able to hire the best of the best when it comes to screenwriters but damn if they don't keep choosing the most awkward and "hit or miss" writers ever. Some parts were spot on and others felt really uncomfortable (hello, wedding speech scene).

All in all, it was a good movie. Exactly what I've come to expect from this franchise with little to no suprises. I felt it was a true representation of the book for the most part, and I saw almost everything I wanted to see play out on screen just like I wanted to see it. The next movie will be all battle and angst and "will they make it or won't they?" even though we all know how it ends. Honestly, who hasn't read the books by now? Why do these Hollywood directors think they can make us worry about the fate of any of the characters WHEN WE ALREADY KNOW.

Unless they change the story from the book and then I predict Twilight fans will rebel and riot all across the world. Have you seen Breaking Dawn? What did you think?

today

Today is a good day.

Despite the rainy, cold weather. Despite this cold that's kicking my butt. Despite the hot flashes and the long miles I drove today. Despite the lack of sleep I got. Despite the pounding in my head and the ringing in my ear. Despite the lack of money in the bank. Despite the feeling of falling behind and worrying too much. Despite the clock ticking by so slowly. Despite the pain I feel not being there physically for my family. Despite the dishes in the sink and the laundry piled up by the door. Despite the many more hours it'll be 'til I can sleep again. Despite the homework to be finished. Despite the craziness of it all.

Despite everything, today is a good day. I refuse to see today in any other light than good. I have been reminded what matters, reminded who matters the most to me. I am here, alive and well, if only for today.

Today is a good day. 

heavy on my heart today

This guy is on my heart and mind today, all day long.

{ED: Just heard from my Dad and Uncle Mike - Papaw made it through surgery perfectly. The surgeon was very pleased, only had to do four bypasses instead of the original five he had planned on. The next 24 hours are critical, but after that he can begin the process of recovery. Thank you, for all your kind thoughts and words! I am blessed!}

morning routine

I, by default, am not a habitual person. I forget too much to keep a pattern going or establish a routine. Part forgetfulness, part laziness. I'm comfortable enough in my own skin to own up to my laziness, which at times can be monumental. It's scary just how lazy I can be every now and then.

But the girls seem to have established their own little morning routine, whether I'm up for doing the same thing every morning or not. Rhealen gets up first, happy and squealing like she always is. Sidney wakes up just as I'm finishing changing Rhealen's diaper - I have to go into the bedroom and carry her to the couch.

{Seriously, I HAVE to do this. One morning she woke up earlier than normal, walked into the kitchen and demanded we go back into the bedroom so I could carry her to the couch - the couch that was about ten feet away from where she was standing. OCD, much?}

I turn on the cartoons, feed Rhealen and then they cuddle up together - it started out they would cuddle on the couch but now that Rhealen is getting more active, they sprawl out together in the floor. Toes wiggling, kissing and cuddling and whispering. Rhealen will pull Sidney's hair and Sidney will roll over on Rhealen's legs. There's whimpers and whines from time to time, but mostly, I get to enjoy the sound of my girls playing while getting dressed.

It's amazing to see the little routines they're developing, the secret society of sisters that I can only appreciate from a distance. I'm not invited into their secret little world. I wonder all the time what Rhealen thinks of Sidney and vice versa. If their mornings are any indication, I think it's safe to say these girls absolutely adore each other to bits. 

{scenes from the weekend}

The girls had Veteran's Day pride on Friday...

...and Sidney had pink-eye

...and Rhealen had fun with tummy time Sunday night! 

lately

Quincy was finally born Monday -- he's outnumbered, poor guy, but we love him! 

My little diva

I81 look amazing yesterday -- makes me forget it's freaking November already. 

The girls got a surprise package from California! Sid liked the box almost as much as the contents...

If only there was a certain security guard around to catch me being such a Billy Badass. 

I love this wiener. 

I might have a slight addiction to these things from B&BW

Obviously I have a thing about taking pictures while I drive...

BEST! SHOES! EVER! 

Okay, I'm starting to think 99% of my pictures are taken while I'm in the car. Is there a support group out there for this kind of thing? 

{these days...}

I have tons on my mind right now. Endless possibilities to a million different questions and decisions bobbling around right now.

I've only got one more weekend of classes and one night class next week, and I'll be (mostly) graduated. It feels like only yesterday I was starting this Bachelor's program and now I'm almost done. Wow.

My heart is in Tennessee with my Papaw, just waiting to hear more from him. I want so bad to be there, but it's just not possible with all that's going on at home right now.

Justin and I have some big decisions to make in the next week or two. Decisions about our family, about what we want for our family. Being an adult sucks sometimes.

I'm heading to the doctor Thursday to close up shop on this baby-making business. One decision that wasn't hard for me and Justin was to accept (gladly) we were done with babies. Sidney and Rhealen are all we're ever going to want or need. The "muffin shop" is officially closing...I hope you girls like each other, 'cause there'll be no more brothers or sisters to choose from!

Of course, there's a hundred more mundane things to boil and toil over these days, but this isn't a blog of whine and whatnot. This is my happy space, and I'm doing my best to keep it so.

Speaking of the blog, how do you like the new header? That amazingly talented Jess from IROCKSOWHAT is truly a design-genius. She captured what I wanted so easily, the entire process was smooth and wonderful  and insanely affordable. If you're looking for some blog-love, go see Jess, she's the guru.

Expect more of the same nonsensical nonsense. I'm walking around like Pigpen right now with a cloud of confusion keeping me company. Yee-haw.


{ED: Apparently, I like to say "right now" a lot, right now. What's up with that?}

{my papaw}

2007

I just found out that my Papaw Sid will have to have bypass surgery next week -- I can't imagine this man weak or in pain. I can't imagine him slowing down or taking it easy. He's a rock to me, and I've seen our relationship blossom into something beyond words over the last few years. He means the world to me...so much, obviously, that I named my firstborn for him.

I love this man, and even though I'm not usually one for the power of prayer, I ask that you pray for him. Send him love or a good thought. Whatever you feel comfortable with -- just surround him in peace and light and hopefully this'll be a distant bad memory soon enough.

I wish I could be there with him and my Mamaw. I want so bad to be there holding their hands and helping them through this. All I can do, for now, is send them my love and ask you to do the same. 

{5 months}

This time last year we were just finding out that baby #2 was indeed a girl - and now, a year later, we've got a five month old Rhealen Jo sitting here. This little lady is growing (slowly) like a weed; she's on the small ends of the charts, but that's okay. She'll catch up and level out eventually. For now, she's just petite!

Rhealen loves to pull hair, scream at the top of her lungs (just for fun), chew on her toes, sit up and look around, stare at her big sister, hang out in her swing and ride in the car, just staring out the window. She's definitely a lover of those she knows well, but she can be a little nervous around other people.

I love watching Sidney & Rhealen together - there's nothing in the world quite like it. Rhealen absolute adores Sidney; if Sidney's in the room, everyone else disappears to her. Sidney loves being the "big sister" and will remind RJ of that fact 100 times a day. That works out okay right now, but I have a feeling it'll be the start of many fights later on down the road...

At her four month check-up she was 12 lbs and 10 oz, so I'm excited to see how much weight she's gained in a month. She keeps getting longer and longer (24.5 inches at four months) but she still feels light as a feather. Sidney was always an over-achiever and in the 99% percentile for everything; poor Rhealen is only in the 10% percentile! It's amazing how kids can be so different...

Other than some breathing problems, Rhealen is perfectly healthy. They're thinking she might have asthma, and she's been on breathing treatments, but things seem to be getting better for her...so I'll update on that when I can.

Rhealen is a great baby, a much loved and needed addition to our family. We couldn't have asked for a better little girl; we laugh about it now, about how we were so panicked Rhealen would be a monster baby since Sidney was such an easy little angel. She may turn out to be a wild child later on, but for now she's the sweetest little dumpling anyone could hope for.

Our family feels complete with her here. There were questions in my mind before about whether or not we were done, whether or not I wanted more kids; but those questions are answered now. I'm perfectly happy with my girls. My two sweet, beautiful girls. I can't imagine adding a third in the mix; it all feels perfectly perfect right now, just the two of them.

They can make it if they try.

lately

RJ & Jake -- they're only two weeks apart but about 10 lbs difference! 

punkins!!

I love my co-workers...they bring me treats! 

Sidney posing - she's ready for ANTM

Rhealen likes Sidney's hair....

Babies always wake up early the morning after you get a little tipsy...

....or a lot tipsy