WoW

*New series I'm trying: Words of Wisdom*

Sidney Morgan 6.5, Rhealen Jo 2.8

Both of the girls have changed so much since I last updated on them individually (here and here) -- but duh! of course they're totally different. I could update on them daily, and it'd be something new every day.

Every day they grow and shift and reach new levels. Every single day is a new adventure with these two ladies!

Some < Others

Some nights, I "fail"* at being a good mother.

Some nights my kids eat cereal. Some nights homework doesn't get done. Some nights they go to bed with dirty faces wearing the day's dirty clothes.

Some nights the house is left in a worse mess than the night before. 

Some nights the laundry is piled four feet deep. Some nights the dirty dishes don't even make it to the sink.

Some nights there are fights. There are stories that don't get read to babies. There are kisses that go unkissed. There is anger and hurt and tears.

Some nights there is nothing to do but hide and cry in the bedroom. Don't let them see your tears of frustration and anger.

Some nights there are tired bodies bumping into each other in crowded hallways. There are words spit with venom. There are "I hate yous" and "I really hate yous". 

Some nights are, for lack of a better word, complete and total shit.

But, for every one of those "some nights", there are other nights.

Other nights dinner is done and done right and done on time. There are full bellies and warm bodies.

Other nights homework is finished and books are read. There are clean jammies and freshly washed faces. 

Other nights the laundry gets (mostly) caught up and the dishwasher is loaded. The house gets straightened.

Other nights there is kissing and hugging and loving. There are moments hidden from little eyes and extra "I love yous" and moments for momma and poppa.

Other nights, in fact most nights, are divine in their simplicity and imperfection. Other nights are the norm and the good and the reason we can make it through some nights that are hard.

Tonight, I am my grateful for the nights when I don't "fail"* at motherhood. I live through the some nights so I can love the others.

*None of us really fail at this motherhood thing; we're all bumbling fools just doing our best to keep our little humans alive!*

Parenting Tidbits (!!)

People tend to think that just because I'm a mother of four, I must have this parenting stuff figured out.

even Toby is skeptical of my parenting skills :)

Let me be the first to say, NO, I don't. I'm not even sure what all of this "parenting stuff" is some days. Every child is different (even within the same family) and every parent is different (Justin and I certainly have our own sytles!) and there are a million and one factors that go into any given moment of parenting.

But just for fun, I'll share a few little tidbits of what I've learned after 6+ years of parenting -- if nothing else, I think it'll be fun to look back on this post another six years from now. I'm sure I will laugh at myself a little, and hopefully, I will be able to see my growth as a parent from this day to that one.

• It's okay for your child to cry -- this is not a flag of support for the "cry it out" method. Just know that babies are just little human beings who experience a vast range of emotions, and unlike their older counterparts, babies cannot express their feelings any other way except to cry. And it's okay to let them. Run through your basic "Parenting 101" checklist (are they hungry? Wet? Sleepy?) and, if you come to the conclusion all of their needs have been met, just let them cry. There have been many times I've held a crying baby in my arms (while simultaneously throwing my hands up in the air!) because there's nothing left to do. I try to comfort them, tell them I love them, and just let them do their thing. We all need to just cry it out sometimes -- remember babies are no different (they're not crying just to frazzle your nerves, I promise!)
• A strong willed child, while exhausting, can make for a strong willed adult, which has the potential to be wonderful. I have a certain little daughter of mine who pushes the boundaries, has no problem expressing her opinion (rather loudly, I might add), and who will not budge on the smallest of things when it stands in the way of her personal convictions (as irrational as they may seem to me). I feel defeated when I'm not able to channel that determination into something productive with her, but my ultimate goal is to help her find her own restraints and then let her run wild when she can. I never fear that she'll be one to back down from any challenge or let someone walk all over her -- but I also want to make sure she isn't hiding behind that tough exterior. I know deep down she's just as soft and needy as the rest of us!
• The relationships between siblings has to be on organic one. I have such a heavy fear that my children will grow up and hate each other as adults. Their time together right now is so sweet and tender, the thought of them losing that among each other hurts my heart. Still, I try to let them figure out the dynamics of their relationships on their own. I have found that by letting them take the reins and work through their own little problems, they grow as individuals and as siblings -- that does mean things get a little loud sometimes, especially with the girls. A lot of times I'm tempted to step in and just separate them, but I try to remind them to not scream at each other, to use their words, to figure it out. And 99% of the time, they do, and it works. You can't force your kids to be best friends. You have to give them space to like each other, love each other, and at times, be disgusted with each other. Their relationships may be among little people, but it in no way means the relationship itself is little. 
• It really does take a village! This is one that is very specific to our lives and doesn't necessarily apply to everyone - some parents are just more comfortable keeping their kids closer to "home" and that's fine, too! For our family, we are so lucky to have dozens of hands in the fire helping us navigate life with four kids. We've got multi-generational grand-parents, dozens of cousins, aunts and uncles, friends and more who help us out and fill in the gaps. Our kids are (for the most part) very comfortable with other people and easy to adapt to new places and new faces. There's nothing wrong with accepting help (and offering help when you can!), no shame in letting your circle help shape the people your children will grow to be.

Parenting is hard work, folks -- don't ever let anyone try to trick you into thinking it's a "breeze". It's a heavy task, weighted with the outcome that one day you'll send a (hopefully) well-molded individual into the world. This individual will vote, form relationships, work, marry, raise children, help others. Or maybe they won't. It's one of those things we can't control as parents -- we have to let go eventually, one way or the other. 

But parenting is also fun. And rewarding. It's a very 50/50 state of being -- no, that's not true, either. Sometimes it's 70/30 and sometimes 100/0. There's not always an equal pull of give and take. 

My main point to all of this is: BE THE PARENT YOU WANT TO BE. You can read a million books (or blog posts like this one) or try to follow the example of those that have gone before you (not always a good/bad idea) -- but at the end of the day, you are your own person (shaped by your parents!) and you can choose the best way to raise your children. You really truly honestly do know best. 

4

Four peas in a pod.

Four unique beings tied by the strings of my heart. I created these little humans (with a little help from my husband, if I must give credit where credit is due!) - I grew them within me. I felt them move for the first time, felt their hiccups. I labored with them, delivered them safely into this great big world with all the wishes and hopes and dreams a momma can have for her babies. 

Four times over I was lucky enough to create life, to deliver life, to nourish a dream into reality. 

My four. The final four. 

Jaxon's Birth Story (01/09/2013)

This post is 1+ year in the making...I've literally been sitting on it that long! I meant to post this around his first birthday, but it just didn't happen (oops!) So here it finally is, the birth story of my firstborn son...and now I really need to get on Toby's birth story. 


It all started on a Tuesday evening. I was sitting on the couch, just taking it easy and gearing up for bedtime, when I started to feel contractions. Out of the blue, moderately strong, timeable contractions! After never going into labor on my own before, it was quite the shock :) Justin kept side-eyeing me, asking me what I thought was going to happen - I joked we'd either have a baby or the contractions would just go away...

Good&Happy

Some days are just good and happy. Where the coffee tastes just right and the light comes streaming through the windows at just the right angle. Life looks illuminated in the most perfect glow.

And even though you know there are three day old cheese puffs under the couch cushions and the baby needs yet another diaper change, you can't help but feel like it's still so damn beautiful. Life is still beautiful. Even when it's technically not.

All the red lights are green on your way to work. The radio plays every song you haven't heard in what feels like ages but you've always loved since forever. The sky is the perfect shade of pink and yellow and blue, and the sun shines on your face not in your eyes.

And even though you know there's a stack of files on your desk three feet high that need your attention, and even though yet another bad driver pulled out in front of you for the tenth time that day, you just can't help but feel like you're heading in the right direction. This is the course you're meant to take, and all this time spent working, away from your kids and home, is making a difference. You may not be where you thought you'd be, and your job title may not match the image you have of yourself in your head, but this is where you're at, and that's just great. It really is great.

The day is short and warm, even when it's really long and cold. You know you're heading home to a warm house, full of the faces of those you love the most - and while you feel so undeserving, you can't help but feel like you've earned it a little. Today feels good and you feel good and you've earned this moment of happiness.

Because even on the best of those good days, you remember, always in the back of your mind, what some call "the real world" - not every day is sunshine. Because it isn't.

But some days, some days are just good and happy.

Zzzz..........NOT!

So.........this is what no sleep looks like, eh? 

I would post you a picture of myself looking all baggy-eyed and sleep-deprived, but I don't think a photo would do justice to the way I feel. I'm operating on the most erratic sleep schedule ever right now, fueled by caffeine and some primal instinct to just keep pushing forward. 

Toby has no sleep "schedule" and most nights, his longest continuous sleep stretches only two hours, max. Most of the time it's an hour, sometimes even less -- we've been trying to implement a nighttime routine to help. We've done bathtime and playtime and bottles with cereal. I let him soothe himself to sleep and put on the sound machine. So far, no dice. I know he'll get there, and honestly, I don't have unrealistic expectations that my >2 month old should be sleeping 8-12 hours. I've done this a time or two, I know how all of this works! 

I would just like consistency is all -- knowing I could get two hours consistently would be a blessing at this point (for my sanity) !!

Added to this no-sleeping-Toby mix is my poor teething boy, Jaxon -- the girls never really seemed to have an issue cutting any of their teeth, but this poor fella has been up the past few nights screaming non-stop in pain. I hate to see him hurting, and I do what I can to soothe him, but in my near-comatose state of mind in the middle of the night, who knows how helpful I really am (??)

This will all pass in time. These are precious days I will want back sooner rather than later. I am going to miss all of this one day. I KNOW, I KNOW. 

But I also miss sleep. Sweet, beautiful, warm, uninterrupted sleep.  

I'm just looking forward to being further down the road, looking back on this post, and thinking "you made it, girl. your kids are sleeping!" -- you want to know what I dream about (when I actually sleep long enough to dream?) it's THAT.