Crazy, Lucky

Our anniversary is coming up this week, and I'm a little sentimental over here -- over a decade with this guy has made me crazy. Crazy in love, crazy in happiness, crazy in denial. 

It hasn't been this long. We haven't gone through so much. We don't have such an awesome family. It's not possible that I'm this lucky. 

But I am -- despite everything I am this lucky. And I owe it all to luck, 'cause I'm not so convinced I deserve a moment of this life of mine. 

A "Bad" Evening at Home

One of the first questions I get from family or friends whenever I roll up with all four kids in tow is, "so how are you handling it?"

And "it" means the chaos of four kids, and yes, I recognize we're a buzzing mass of arms and legs and dirty faces and voices, both quiet and loud, but it's not always chaotic. Sometimes, most times even, it's fairly peaceful. We're in routine mood, surviving on our patterns, and blessedly, there are not too many bumps in the road.

But when there are bumps? They are massive. They are consuming. And they're always parallel to the other bumps in the road. Here's a rundown of a typical-bad evening, which luckily is far and few in between, but does happen:

I'm late leaving work.

Call the babysitter. Call Mom. Gas light comes on.

Stop for gas. Rush to get the kids. Round up blankets and bags and jackets and shoes. Load the girls. Round up more bags and blankets and shoes and jackets. Load the boys. Fight over what we're listening to on the radio or CD. Rhealen and Sidney fight over the volume. Jaxon can't get his tablet to work. Toby wants a paci or a bottle or a diaper or something I can't get to right then because I'm driving.

Realize we need milk at home. Shit.

Go back to the store. Run in at the speed of light for milk and end up with twenty seven other things we do or do not need on a whim. Hurry home. Unload boys and girls and bags and jackets. Start supper. Call Justin. I forgot we need diapers. Start a load of laundry. Force Sidney to start on homework. Take the toy away from Rhealen who took the toy away from Jaxon. Console a screaming Jaxon. Get Toby back to sleep.

Sidney tore her homework getting it out of her bookbag. And she has no pencil. And she's out of lunch money.

Supper spills over the stove and the washing machine is off-balance yet again. Rhealen goes screaming through the house because loud noises scare her. Jaxon follows suit because he thinks it's a fun new game. Sidney has abandoned homework and has turned up the TV to volume level eleven billionty.

EVERYONE CALM DOWN.

Justin walks through the door. We got this bill and that bill and why haven't you paid this already? Supper is burning. The baby is awake again. Jaxon has fallen off the couch for the tenth time. Sidney slams the bathroom door. Justin hasn't even gotten his boots off yet.

Supper is done. The laundry gets thrown in the dryer. Kids eat at the table. Jaxon eats off my plate standing in the kitchen. Then Jaxon eats off Justin's plate standing in the kitchen. I hold Toby. Justin holds Toby. Toby has to sit in his seat for a minute. Toby screams.

We can't find Jaxon's bottle. Rhealen can't find a paci, which she's not even supposed to have anymore. We left her blanket at Gran's. The other back-up blanket is at Sandy's. Sidney is still hungry. Jaxon is beyond sleepy and is walking into walls.

Turn on Jaxon's fan and put him down with his paci. Goodnight, love you son, and close the door. The girls need a bath. It'll just have to wait 'til tomorrow. Wash them down the best I can. Put pajamas on. They want to watch ten more minutes of Rio for the hundredth time this week. Rhealen wants to sleep on the top bunk. Sidney wants to sleep on the bottom bunk. No, girls, go to bed. Sidney on top, Rhealen on bottom. Rhealen doesn't have her blanket. She's really mad about the whole thing.

Justin has fallen asleep on the couch for the third night this week. I glare at him but also feel a little relieved. At least now we're not going to have to fight or even speak to each other. Toby cries again. Justin wakes up.

Justin tells me to go take a bath, I need a break, he's got the baby. I don't argue. I run myself a bath, grab the kindle, enjoy the scalding heat of the water. Ten minutes later, I hear the baby. And I keep hearing the baby. I yell for Justin. Again. No answer.

I curse. A lot. I let the water out of the bath because what's the point anymore. Justin is asleep on the couch again. I want to stab him with the bath drain. Not really. Yes, really. I yell at Justin. I get the baby. He just needed his paci. Rhealen calls to me about her blanket once more. I warn her to go to sleep.

I load the dishwasher. Pester Justin to get off the couch and go to bed. Check on the girls. They're asleep, finally. Turn off their TV. Turn off all the lights. Check that the doors are locked. Pester Justin some more to get off the couch and get into bed. Consider leaving him there all night so I can hog the entire bed. Check on the baby. Still asleep. Fix a bottle because I know he'll be up in an hour, maybe two if I'm lucky.

Finally get Justin to move to the bed. Set the alarm clock. Collapse into bed and pray the baby will actually sleep a little tonight. Try to shut off my brain so I can fall asleep instantly to maximize the minutes I do get to sleep.

Justin is already snoring. And eventually, I am, too.

A lot of people think I don't filter my life (online) I do try very hard to keep things as authentic as possible -- I don't like "pretending" or "glossing" and I want to document our lives as honestly as possible. I don't see the point in staging perfected photos or excluding details that aren't 100% rosy -- they are our story, all the million and one moments that happen, good/bad/whatever. 

But there are some things I keep to myself; my usual rule of thumb is to not share anything I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about with a friend or coworker. I don't talk about "naughty" things here, and I don't like to discuss my personal beliefs (too heavily, although I am guilty of getting caught up in the heat of the moment from time to time) -- I do try to censor out things that might be embarrassing for the kids later down the road, and I don't really talk about Justin in much detail (he's not one for living a socially interactive lifestyle) -- and as a result, I don't talk about the fighting we do, which isn't often, but sure is intense when it does happen. 

And I'm really only posting this right now to remind myself later on that we did fight (duh!) -- we were ugly and mean and things were not always rosy. We pushed and pulled and threw our hands up in the air. But, obviously, we didn't give up. We kept our vows and found a way to push onward. 

Marriage is hard, y'all. 

But I married my soul mate, my best friend -- and while we know each other too well (and use that knowledge to cut to the quick in the heat of battle!) -- we love each other; stupid, ridiculous, crushing amounts. I love my husband, the father of my children, the hands I love to hold and the heart that matches mine. There will be more fighting, more harsh words, more tears. It's part of the deal: marriage, not for the faint of heart. 

My only hope is that we look back on this time in our marriage and remind ourselves of just how close we were to the edge. I hope we can remember the way it felt, the fear we both had -- and I hope we learn, together, the best way to fix our broken pieces. 

2013 - Year in Review

I'm a little last posting this (I like posting them around the first of the year) but better late than never! 

You can see 2012 HERE and 2011 HERE.

::JANUARY::

2013 started out with a bang for us - our little Jaxon Leon arrived a little earlier than anticipated on the 9th :) We adjusted to life with three kiddos, played in the snow, and

::FEBRUARY::

As blogging goes with a new baby, things were erratic and hairbrained! I shared little things that made me happy, random updates on our new normal, and did my best to find "me" again.

::MARCH::

By March I was back on my blogging game! I managed to wish my dear husband "happy birthday" while ranting about Prop8, kept up with the weekly TT posts, did updates on both girls, and posted a cute little video of Rhealen.

::APRIL::

We moved into our house, which was the biggest joy of the month, for sure! I talked about finally having a son, I tried to keep things honest talking about the sucky parts of life, and the world lost a music legend (RIP Possum!)

::MAY::

I compared my "apples to oranges" daughters, shared some photos taken with my Dad+family, got a little sappy thinking about the future for our children, and my "butch" celebrated another birthday (as did my BFF/cousin, Dobby!)

::JUNE::

June was an exciting month for sure! Our little "Nugget" RJ turned TWO, Jaxon started his "pirate look" to combat a lazy eye, we went to the Knoxville zoo, our sweet Dobby got married (!!), and Sidney finished up Kindergarten with a bang!

::JULY::

My one and only post for the entire month of July was Jaxon's monthly update post -- at least I got that one in!!

::AUGUST::

August was the month of random updates apparently, but sometimes that's the best way to document life! Sidney finished up her first summer of swim lessons, I professed my continued love for non-traditional engagement rings (and the hope that my girls follow in my footsteps!), our dear Gran hit the big 5-0!, and Jaxon & Rhealen grew closer, which totally melted my momma heart :)

::SEPTEMBER::

The month of September is always a busy (and fun!) one - Sidney Morgan turned SIX, we all fell in love with Ylvis and "The Fox", I talked about pregnancy hemorrhoids, that sweet husband and I celebrated another anniversary (10 years of being together!), we had family photos taken, I wrote a heartfelt post about being on the fertile side of infertility and my struggles with what to (or not to) say, and I turned 25!!

::OCTOBER::

October brought The Walking Dead back into our zombie-void lives (hallelujah!) - I talked about some crazy pregnancy brain I was having, I really kicked it with the TT posts, and of course, Halloween was celebrated - I even did an awesome TBT post about it!

::NOVEMBER::

I recapped about the time the girls and I trekked to Tweetsie Railroad with Gran & Pops, talked about thriving versus surviving with three kids, fell in love with random country songs, posted about my sleeping tornado of a daughter, and about what it's like having a not-a-baby-anymore baby girl!

::DECEMBER::

I ended the year getting "creative" in the kitchen, got big and pregnant and took the same selfie I had taken over two years ago with RJ (same bathroom & everything!), we bought a new Christmas tree, I lamented the last month of my boy being a baby before he celebrates his first birthday next month, and we had a wonderful Christmas off-line and in-tune with what really matters!

And surprise! On the very last day of December, our little boy was born, shocking us all -- he was early and he was a "HE". All that time spent preparing for our Jameson ended up with us meeting our Toby. The best end of the year gift anyone could ask for!

I love, love, love doing these "end of the year" recaps -- even when I haven't been the best blogger in the land, I still love looking back over a year's worth of moments and memories that might've fallen into oblivion if I hadn't taken the time to screen cap them!

Thriving vs Surviving

Previously, I touched on the subject of finding my groove, especially when it comes to our morning and night routines. With the recent time change, that groove has been shaken up, so while we're still in the middle of readjusting, things are getting closer to what I would call our new normal. 

Part of this new normal means I've been working really hard to get in bed as early as possible and soak up every second of sleep while I can. With the impending arrival of another baby, I know sleep is precious at this point, and I don't want to waste any of it, as selfish as that sounds! :)

With an earlier bedtime, I'm finding it easier to get up with Jaxon and his new wake-up time of 6:00 AM (thank you ever so much, daylight savings time!) -- it's even given me the opportunity to spend a few extra minutes with Justin, seeing as how he tries to be out the door by 5:30 when he can, but sometimes stumbles around and doesn't leave 'til 6:00. That's an especially nice bonus because he's been working 14 hour days here lately, and it's really hard not spending any time with him -- I know the kids miss him, even though the girls would probably never admit it!

All of this is to say, I am the primary parent to our kids most of the time -- they spend the majority of their day with me, and I'm the sole person responsible for making sure they're ready in the morning and put to bed at night. It can be exhausting, for sure, and some days it does start to feel like more of a chore than a delight. I'm doing my best to really try to be present in each moment with my kids (no matter how mundane they may be) because this is my life, the life I've wanted and chosen and dreamed of. These are my kids, all four of these little rascals, and as chaotic and wild as it can be, these are my moments to enjoy. 

Sure, bath time can be monotonous, and no one enjoys changing a diaper for the 100th time (it seems) that day -- but even these little moments present opportunities to relish and enjoy. I try to remind myself to enjoy all of it -- even when the kids are screaming and I've stuck my hand in the messy diaper and supper is boiling over on the stove and there's homework to be done and bedtime was supposed to be thirty minutes ago. It's easy to lose sight of the joy a large family can bring when you're in those moments -- and it's even easier to just whisk through all of it on autopilot. 

So much of parenting is a checklist of cleaning, feeding, organizing, refereeing, over and over, day after day. It gets old quick...if you let it. 

I'm doing my best to not let it be just a checklist, but more of a bucket list that's never ending, always repeating but with new items, new moments to treasure and keep. Every day is a new list, a clean slate, the fresh opportunity to do the best I can and enjoy all of it to the best of my ability. 

Absolutely, I fail. I get lost in the shuffle, and I complain to my mom and other mom-friends (and to Twitter) about how HARD this is -- because it is hard, and I'm exhausted and the kids are just wiiiiiiild. That's life, that's my everyday normal, and I know there are going to be plenty more days like that. Momma said there'd be days like this....

I just remind myself, it's all in how I choose to handle it -- and for most of the days, I like to think I choose joy. I choose to enjoy and thrive, not just survive.

And I hope these little tykes know just how much their momma adores them! 

Halloween 2013

Hooray, the rain held off! We were able to do a little trick-or-treating under perfect conditions with three happy little grublets who all seemed to have a good time :)

Our Draculaura, witch and dalmatian were too cute for words and behaved even sweeter than they looked! Sidney wanted to trick-or-treat at the speed of light, often running ahead of little Rhealen by about 20 steps -- but Rhealen didn't seem to mind. She tried to swap out candy at every house, offering something from her bucket in exchange for new candy :) Jaxon was perfectly happy just hanging out in the back seat of our new (to us!) stroller, eating M&Ms and cheese puffs. That white costume didn't stay very white for too long...

We made it to about 30 or so houses before Jaxon (and my pregnant self) hit "the wall" and then we were done in an instant -- we had as much fun as we could int the hour or so we made it -- and we wouldn't have been able to coordinate or pull off any of it successfully without my wonderfully sweet mom and step-dad. They made it work for us working parents, we just love them!

And a wonderful Halloween was had by all -- we're already looking forward to next year and FOUR little costumed kiddos to chase around :)

The Crazy Side of My Brain

Can we talk for a minute? I've got some hair-brained thoughts bouncing around in my head right now, and while I know I'm being the most irrational thinker ever, I think it's worth discussing -- maybe you feel like this sometimes, too? Maybe you have experienced or are experiencing crazy brain (whether pregnancy related or not!) like me? 

Good, let's chat.

Let me start off by saying, my pregnant brain is one jealous bitch!!

My husband probably wouldn't want me talking about this, but only because it further perpetuates the idea that I'm psycho -- I'm sure he has enough of a time as it is explaining to others, "please just excuse my wife at the moment, she's kind of pregnant and kind of impossible" :)

With my first pregnancy, I was young and dumb enough as it were, but there was something about the chemical and hormonal imbalance that just drove me over the edge. Justin could be ten seconds late showing up somewhere, and I was instantly convinced he was CHEATING! LIAR! 

Hell hath no fury like a pregnant woman convinced her baby's daddy is an unfaithful liar! 

Of course, I feel pretty bad about the whole thing now -- I put Justin through a lot that first pregnancy and made things even harder than they had to be. I was a big pain in the ass, and I know it. And luckily, with the next two pregnancies that followed, I didn't really have any of those lingering insane thoughts. My levels must've been more on the balanced side, and I didn't spend a lot of time internally reminding myself that I'm married to a good man, a man that doesn't stray, a man that can be a few minutes late home from work and it doesn't have to equal him poking every pocket between here and there. 

With this pregnancy? The crazy lady has returned. Full force. 

I know he's not cheating. Well, I guess technically you never really know if a person is cheating or not -- but I honestly don't worry about my husband cheating. The perfectly rational side of me knows I have a good husband, a faithful man by my side who loves me and isn't going to step out on me (or his family). Believe me, I know this. 

It's my psycho hose-beast of a pregnant brain that doesn't quite grasp that concept. Case in point: I bumped into my husband at the gas station in town and my inner monologue started screaming, "WHAT THE EFF IS HE DOING HERE?!" 

"Umm...he's getting gas? It is a gas station, after all."

"NO! THERE ARE FEMALES IN THIS VACINITY! HE'S CHEATING!"

"I'm pretty sure he's just paying for his gas but okay...."

"LOOK AT THAT GIRL! SHE'S A TOTAL SLUT! YOU KNOW HE'S CHEATING ON YOU WITH HER! HER OF ALL PEOPLE!"

"Hey, I like her! She was so sweet back in school..."

Do you see what my brain does? This is but a mere glimpse into my daily life -- seriously, my brain is so fucking weird sometimes, I need to be evaluated professionally. Studied, I need to be studied. I'm a therapist's best/worst dream. 

Anyone else have this problem? Do you struggle with your brain (pregnant or not) over completely irrational things like this? Please tell me I'm not alone when it comes to knowing better than the lies our brains try to tell us -- the really dumb, irrational, jealous-fueled lies! 

And for the record, my dear sweet husband was actually just buying some mozzarella sticks on his way home. 

OR SO HE SAID. 

S'MORE

Ten years ago today, on a chilly night after a football game, I kissed that boy of mine in the backseat of my grand-parent's handicapped van. I kissed him and I meant it. And I've meant every kiss from that night 'til now. 

It's that day of the year -- the day I wax poetic about the love I have for my husband and how he's the best of the best and there'll never be another man for me. 

And all that's true, for sure. 

And lord knows I love to ramble on and on about the lovey dovey things in life. 

But I'm not going to -- not today. Not too much, at least. 

Today, four years ago, I stood in front family and friends and vowed to be married to my husband for better or worse. And I meant it. And he meant it, too. So here we are, four years later, keeping the vows we promised to each other and to our loved ones. And through it all -- the best of the better and the worst of the worse -- we have loved each other. From last year's anniversary to today's, there have been quite a few uphill/downhill moments for us. But I know now, more than I ever knew before, that I am so loved. I am safe in my marriage. I am undeservingly blessed with a husband who loves me, and I honestly don't think I could rid myself of him if I tried. Not that I'd ever want to -- Justin is as much a part of me as my hand or heart. He's not an extension of me but rather the completing piece. It's that simple and that complicated. 

And I said I wasn't going to ramble, so I'm stopping. Right now. Promise. 

Happy anniversary, babe. Thank you for this life you've created with me. 

Here's to all that we kissed, And all that we missed To the biggest mistakes, That we just wouldn't trade To us breaking up, Without us breaking down To whatever's comin' our way - here's to us :)

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to all...

To the man who is the father of my children, I love you and respect you beyond measure.

To my own father, my step-father, my grand-father, the grand-father(s) of my children, to all the men who are called father, dad, poppa and such -- thank you for stepping up to the plate. For loving your children, wholly and equally and without question or hesitation.

For those of you raising children who aren't yours in the eyes of science, the eyes of the heart see all. And I'm so lucky to know so many amazing men in my life who are amazing fathers and grand-fathers and great-grand-fathers.

It's your day, so celebrate it any way you choose -- and remember, this momma right here is thinking and loving you all, each and every one, and again, I say, thank you.

Catch Up, Catch All

My kids are finally in bed, it's dark out and raining, and I'm sitting here in the "old" house hammering out what is going to be a long, heavy-worded, catch-up catch-all post. Hectic isn't even the right word for how life's been going lately. Batshit crazy insanely beyond hectic might begin to cover it, but I doubt it ... so here goes, the past few weeks caught up as much as I can. 

And maybe if we ever get our internet installed at the "new" house I can begin to blog again with some normalcy. 'Cause momma sure does miss it...

On the 6th, our sweet little nugget Rhealen Jo turned the terrible TWO -- she's officially a toddler and a officially a terrible one at that. But we love her so! At her two-year check-up, they said she's a skinny mini, just averaging in the 10th percentile, but overall a healthy gal. She's still in love with farm animals --cows in particular-- adores her big sister and is on the hugest Shrek craze you ever did see. I think we've watched all four movies with her at least 1,000 times...each. 

Jaxon is now five months old -- I call him fat and sassy! He's nearing 18 lbs and has the best belly and leg rolls ever. He's a total momma's boy --and even though Justin likes to tease me about him getting over it someday-- I hope he never changes. I believe he thinks Sidney is the funniest person ever, and he's rolling around the floor like a madman these days -- though he still hates tummy time! I love this fella, he's just the mostest. 

For Sidney's Kindergarten field trip, we went to the Knoxville Zoo (Jaxon didn't join us, it would've just been too much!) Poor RJ was sick as could be on our trip, but she made the most of it and we all had a really good time. The last time I was at the Knoxville zoo was when I was pregnant with Sidney on the Kindergarten field trip during my AmeriCorps years, so it was hard to believe time had passed by so quickly and now it was her turn! It's just unreal, ya'll...

Last weekend, Sidney and I got to participate in our dear sweet Dobby's wedding! The little ones stayed home with their Poppa (and Mamaw Shirley) while we girlied it up and did the bridesmaid/flower girl thing. At the reception there was amazing food, awesome dancing, and a pretty sweet photobooth! I think SidMo drug every single person she could talk into that thing for photos; there's a ton of her! It was such a joy to see Stephanie & Michael exchange their vows, and I'm so glad they let me and my sweet girl be a part of it all. 

We've also had a ton of other "happenings" happening, like Rhealen's birthday party (which I've yet to upload the pictures off the camera, yet), Sidney's summer school program, lots of time spent outdoors when the heat/humidity isn't unbearable, and movie-watching galore late at night -- no school nights for Sidney are the best! 

There's also a lot more fun things lined up like Sidney's trip to Michigan with Mom & Peanut, my grand-parents coming in from Columbia to see us (hopefully next weekend!), Poppa's Day, hanging out at the lake, 4th of July, and all the other joys of sweet summertime bliss. 

Here's to enjoying every second of it, however crazy wild it may most definitely will be! 

"Sometimes Things Just Suck"

I read back through some of my posts the other day, and a distinct similarity hit me: I've only been sharing the good lately. 

And luckily for us, things really have been mostly good as of late. We're all adjusting well to this whole "family of five" thing, and the kids are all healthy. Justin and I are getting along good, we finally got moved into our house over the weekend (!!!), and work is going good for the both of us. There's really not a lot to complain about, and overall, we're a pretty happy little bunch. 

Of course, that's not to say that we're living in this Beaver Cleaver, rosy-colored, perfect little bubble - far from it! There are bills that pile up and dirty laundry tends to take over our house (old and new at this point!) and the kids can drive anyone to the breaking point. 

There are moments when I fail as a mother. Jaxon is screaming his head off and nothing will soothe him. Rhealen is whiney after just waking up from her nap and demands to be held. Sidney is hungry and in need of a little attention, but I have none to give and dinner just has to wait until the little ones get calmed down. Justin is usually busy in the evenings when he first comes home from work, so he's not always available to help. And I resent him for being outside while I'm stuck inside with the kids. And then he walks into a house full of screaming, whining kids and a wife who's mad at him for no apparent reason, and suddenly the whole family is just sour. 

Those nights are typically few and far in between, but they happen. And when they do, there's really not a lot I can but throw my hands up and just give in to the madness. I'm learning to just laugh at it, roll with it, do my best to take it in stride - and when I can't - I don't punish myself for stepping away. The kids will be fine if I take five minutes to collect myself (most of the time they're already screaming in my arms, so what does it matter if they scream on the other side of the bedroom door?) There are times I don't want to be around them, just wish they would be perfectly silent for ten minutes, and think to myself, "what did I get into with these three?"

Parenting is hard work - don't ever let anyone tell you it isn't. The best babies are work. The best toddlers will still drive you mad. The most independent kid can still make parenting a living nightmare. It's a never-ending merry-go-round of emotions and needs to be met and a million worries. And we all fail at it, at one point or another. No one is the perfect mother or father, every day, all day, 365 days a year. 

Because what is perfection anyway?

I measure my parenting success by having (mostly) clean kids who are fed and happy. Anything beyond that is just a bonus. I am far from a perfect parent, and I'm sure there are people out there who question my parenting style (although I dare them to say something to me about it!)

My main point to all of this rambling is just to say that, yes, things are going great for us right now, but even in the middle of greatness there is ugly. And we all share pieces of that ugly, regardless of how perfect our life looks to the outside world. It's the little things that unite us as men, women, parents, human beings - and being willing to admit that sometimes things just suck is the holy grail of unity. 

A Birthday Post Turned Prop8 Rant

Yesterday was my sweet fella's 26th birthday, and I feel like celebrating my husband's birthday (and that feeling of happiness) coincided with other feelings (like guilt, rage, sadness) with all the hullabaloo surrounding Prop8. I hate to take his birthday post and turn it into a rant, so I'm only going to say this: EQUALITY. 

Be it marriage equality, race equality, sex equality - whatever. This country is supposed to be the land of the free, home of the brave, equal and united. Instead, we are torn and spend our days bickering at each other from our "high horses" about issues that shouldn't even be relevant in 2013. 

I am so lucky that I was in a position to fall in love and choose to get married without worrying whether or not my marriage would be legally recognized by my home state (or nation for that matter). It just so happens that I am a heterosexual woman, so I've never had to deal first-hand with the issues that the LGBT community face, BUT I could have just as easily been born a homosexual woman. And I'm sensitive enough (and decent enough) to know that I have no right in the world to deny another human being basic rights. 

I understand same-sex marriages goes against what most Christian people believe, but what I don't understand is how or why Christian people think they have the right to push their beliefs on other people. I don't like eating onions, but I'm not going to tell everyone else they have no right to eat onions just because I don't. The logic of those that use religion to fight against same-sex marriages is completely lost on me; I don't understand and honestly, it breaks my heart to think that these are the people standing firmly in the way of my family and friend's potential happiness. Good, loving, accepting, forgiving, non-judgmental Christian people. 

Okay, so this did turn into a rant (sorry, husband!) - my point to all of this was I love my husband and I'm happy to celebrate another year of life with him as my husband and I want everyone (man or woman) to be able to say the same thing someday about their own husband. 

Happy 26th Birthday, babe!

Genetics Are a Funny Little Thing

Jaxon and his one crazy eye - just like his big sister Sidney used to have!

My kids may not look a thing like each other, but they do have some traits that are reminiscent of the other one(s)! Justin and I think it's so funny that all three of them are so distinctively different - I know genetics teach us that two people can have millions of genetic combinations, and our kids are living proof. Two parents, three kids together, and so many differences between us all!

PS: Reminds me of this movie - "give 'em the laaaaaazy eye!"

Halfway Incoherent Update

This post really has no point, other than to try and motivate myself back into blogging and to try and jot down anything I think I might want to remember come tomorrow next month. Prepare yourself for incoherent and disjointed blabbering.

I'm halfway through my maternity leave and a little on the fence with my emotions about returning to work. Based on my last pregnancy and experience with maternity leave, I thought I'd be ready to go back to work by now. But if I'm being honest, I'm honestly going to miss staying home - it's been nice hanging out with the two littles all day and picking Sidney up in the afternoons. I enjoy having dinner ready by the time Justin gets home and taking little trips out and about to see other SAHM friends and their kids. Sometimes I lull myself into thinking I could really do this full time, but then reality hits and I remind myself I'd go stir crazy doing this all day every day - in the end, I'm anxious about returning to work. It'll be nice to get back on a regular schedule and have most of my days mapped out for me. I crave the interaction with adults and look forward to being back in the swing of normal things. Still, I really do think I'm going to miss it this time...

Jaxon is doing great, as great as can be expected from a one-month-old! Sleep is still way off schedule, but he's eating great and overall really happy, so I won't and can't complain. I'm hoping he's sleeping a little better by the time I head back to work, but I know this phase is short and eventually he'll level out. No pressure, no worries.

Rhealen continues to be an awesome big sister and little helper of mine. She's definitely embraced the role of middle child, and I think my biggest chunk of mom guilt is centered towards her, but I know she's doing amazing, and then I feel silly for worrying about her the way I do.

Sidney is nearing the end of kindergarten, which is insane! Time has flown by 100x faster since she started school, and I can't believe this child of mine will soon be six and in first grade! She's such a little smartie and such a sweetheart, she gives me confidence that I can do this parenting thing and not completely screw a kid up. She's my example, my reminder that things do get better, no matter how bleak things may seem from time to time.

Justin and I are doing great at parenting three kids, if I do say so myself. Sure, we have our moments of pure panic and parental meltdowns, but I think that's normal when the kids outnumber you! We work really good together, better with three than we did two, I think. It feels right having all three of them here, and I think we both feel like nothing is missing, there's no more to figure out or to daydream about. We're just blissfully happy as parents and can't wait to raise these little people together.

Our house...another post for another time.

Life in general is just good, getting better all the time - I have this feeling of anticipation for warmer weather, for babies growing up and doing things again with friends and family. Summer feels so promising, I honestly just can't wait for these bleary spring months to pass by so we can get on to the real fun! I try not to wish anything away from myself, but I just imagine what it'll be like a few months from now, and in my mind, it looks beautiful.

Warm and full of kids and friendly get-togethers and just beautiful.

Snow Fun

Today we got out in the snow, along with Papaw and Ging Ging, for a little fun. Jaxon and I only stayed out a minute, but I did actually manage to remember to take a few photos. Rhealen had never really played in the snow, but girlfriend took to it like a duck to water! Sidney is an old pro at snow-fun, I'm fairly certain she'd live out in the snow all day every day if we let her.

January was the craziest month ever when it came to weather - we had snow, sleet, hail, tornado warnings, sunshine, warm breezes, ice and even the very rare "thunder snows"! I'm hoping February is a little more calm on the weather front, and we can inch ever so closer to spring and it's glorious weather (one step closer to summer!)

During our hopsital stay, according to Instagram...