Toby - Month 4

The weird thing about Toby being born on Dec. 31st? I keep forgetting to write his monthly update posts when there's no 31st of the month -- at least, that's the reason I'm telling myself for my forgetfulness. It has nothing to do with being insanely busy chasing four kids around. Nooooo...

This little ham-bone is quite the delightful being; he's got such a sweet personality -- all smiles and giggles and coos. I swear, there's never been a better baby! Or maybe I'm just so scarred after surviving (and continuing to survive) his big brother, Toby just feels like a dream-boat in comparison :)

Toby gets a special time of night for cuddling and one-on-one time. He *usually* sleeps the busy part of the evenings away and wakes up during that sweet spot where the other kids are already in bed, but Justin and I are still awake. He gets lots of cuddles and kisses and we spend a good 40 minutes just talking with him. He totally talks back! No, seriously, at this rate he'll be speaking before Jaxon does. The boy loves to make noises and gibber away. 

He had his first taste of baby-oatmeal, which was met with a resounding "meh" -- duh! It's oatmeal. Who wouldn't feel "meh" about it? 

Toby is his brother's favorite toy, so much that Jaxon has a new obsession with wanting to hold Toby -- consisting of Jaxon sitting in the floor with Toby cradled between his legs. Jaxon pets his head and gives him sweet little kisses. Being the good boy that he is, Toby puts up with it for a good five minutes, and then he's done. 

The girls are in this weird state at the moment where they could really care less about Toby -- the only time they even acknowledge him is during one of their power struggles over who gets to play with what toy, Toby being the "toy" of the moment. Other than that, they hardly know he's even on the place....it's odd. But I know when he gets more vocal, more mobile all of that will change!

This little dude really is the best of the best, I just couldn't imagine life without him - and I'm so glad he's as mellow as he is. I can't imagine having another big, demanding personality like Jaxon. Or Rhealen. Or Justin. 

I'm just happy with Toby being sweet little Toby! 

Flawed and Flabulous

What's so wrong about admitting our flaws? I'm usually the first in line to admit that I suck at most things. I can't sing. My meal planning falls by the wayside weekly, and I end up just throwing things in a skillet and making it work Chopped style. I bite my nails. I don't exercise. I make a hundred and one typos during the day. 

I CAN'T MATH. 

Seriously, though, our flaws and imperfections make us human -- if we can't laugh at ourselves from time to time, then what's the freaking point? I'm humbled by myself daily. I try and fail and, sometimes literally, fall down trying to make from point A to point B. 

But I keep a sense of humor about things; or at least, I try really hard to. It would be really easy to get overwhelmed at times. Having a large family will do that to you every time; but I don't let things get too serious. I roll with the punches and find humor in the everyday chaos. 

Look for the light. Even when I have days like the previous post I still try to let it roll off my back. I try to laugh. Laughter is our greatest medicine. It may not cure but it helps to heal. It binds and ties and pulls us together. 

And if we're all together, and altogether laughing, what more is there?  

A "Bad" Evening at Home

One of the first questions I get from family or friends whenever I roll up with all four kids in tow is, "so how are you handling it?"

And "it" means the chaos of four kids, and yes, I recognize we're a buzzing mass of arms and legs and dirty faces and voices, both quiet and loud, but it's not always chaotic. Sometimes, most times even, it's fairly peaceful. We're in routine mood, surviving on our patterns, and blessedly, there are not too many bumps in the road.

But when there are bumps? They are massive. They are consuming. And they're always parallel to the other bumps in the road. Here's a rundown of a typical-bad evening, which luckily is far and few in between, but does happen:

I'm late leaving work.

Call the babysitter. Call Mom. Gas light comes on.

Stop for gas. Rush to get the kids. Round up blankets and bags and jackets and shoes. Load the girls. Round up more bags and blankets and shoes and jackets. Load the boys. Fight over what we're listening to on the radio or CD. Rhealen and Sidney fight over the volume. Jaxon can't get his tablet to work. Toby wants a paci or a bottle or a diaper or something I can't get to right then because I'm driving.

Realize we need milk at home. Shit.

Go back to the store. Run in at the speed of light for milk and end up with twenty seven other things we do or do not need on a whim. Hurry home. Unload boys and girls and bags and jackets. Start supper. Call Justin. I forgot we need diapers. Start a load of laundry. Force Sidney to start on homework. Take the toy away from Rhealen who took the toy away from Jaxon. Console a screaming Jaxon. Get Toby back to sleep.

Sidney tore her homework getting it out of her bookbag. And she has no pencil. And she's out of lunch money.

Supper spills over the stove and the washing machine is off-balance yet again. Rhealen goes screaming through the house because loud noises scare her. Jaxon follows suit because he thinks it's a fun new game. Sidney has abandoned homework and has turned up the TV to volume level eleven billionty.

EVERYONE CALM DOWN.

Justin walks through the door. We got this bill and that bill and why haven't you paid this already? Supper is burning. The baby is awake again. Jaxon has fallen off the couch for the tenth time. Sidney slams the bathroom door. Justin hasn't even gotten his boots off yet.

Supper is done. The laundry gets thrown in the dryer. Kids eat at the table. Jaxon eats off my plate standing in the kitchen. Then Jaxon eats off Justin's plate standing in the kitchen. I hold Toby. Justin holds Toby. Toby has to sit in his seat for a minute. Toby screams.

We can't find Jaxon's bottle. Rhealen can't find a paci, which she's not even supposed to have anymore. We left her blanket at Gran's. The other back-up blanket is at Sandy's. Sidney is still hungry. Jaxon is beyond sleepy and is walking into walls.

Turn on Jaxon's fan and put him down with his paci. Goodnight, love you son, and close the door. The girls need a bath. It'll just have to wait 'til tomorrow. Wash them down the best I can. Put pajamas on. They want to watch ten more minutes of Rio for the hundredth time this week. Rhealen wants to sleep on the top bunk. Sidney wants to sleep on the bottom bunk. No, girls, go to bed. Sidney on top, Rhealen on bottom. Rhealen doesn't have her blanket. She's really mad about the whole thing.

Justin has fallen asleep on the couch for the third night this week. I glare at him but also feel a little relieved. At least now we're not going to have to fight or even speak to each other. Toby cries again. Justin wakes up.

Justin tells me to go take a bath, I need a break, he's got the baby. I don't argue. I run myself a bath, grab the kindle, enjoy the scalding heat of the water. Ten minutes later, I hear the baby. And I keep hearing the baby. I yell for Justin. Again. No answer.

I curse. A lot. I let the water out of the bath because what's the point anymore. Justin is asleep on the couch again. I want to stab him with the bath drain. Not really. Yes, really. I yell at Justin. I get the baby. He just needed his paci. Rhealen calls to me about her blanket once more. I warn her to go to sleep.

I load the dishwasher. Pester Justin to get off the couch and go to bed. Check on the girls. They're asleep, finally. Turn off their TV. Turn off all the lights. Check that the doors are locked. Pester Justin some more to get off the couch and get into bed. Consider leaving him there all night so I can hog the entire bed. Check on the baby. Still asleep. Fix a bottle because I know he'll be up in an hour, maybe two if I'm lucky.

Finally get Justin to move to the bed. Set the alarm clock. Collapse into bed and pray the baby will actually sleep a little tonight. Try to shut off my brain so I can fall asleep instantly to maximize the minutes I do get to sleep.

Justin is already snoring. And eventually, I am, too.

WoW

Currently

Loving: How wonderful our Easter weekend was! Justin and I both had a full three-day-weekend, and we made a little pact Thursday night to do our best to enjoy *every* minute of it. Something always tends to go wrong or pop up in the middle of a good weekend to put a damper on things, but we were determined this weekend! We had a wonderful time with family and food, and I can't wait to spend more warm weekends together. 

Reading: So FINALLY after nearly 2 years, I finished the last book in the 50 Shades trilogy. Seriously, I started the first book on vacation in 2012 - it's not like those books are difficult to read. And it's not like I really even enjoyed reading them (after about the third "naughty" scene it just gets kind of redundant, plus there's better BDSM reads online, for free no less) but I was determined to finish what I had started. And at least now that ordeal is over with! 

I read a snippet of Asylum/Madeleine Roux on my Kindle the other night, and it was really good right up front - I need to download the full version and get on it! 

Watching: Now that our Sunday nights are void of The Walking Dead, Justin and I have taken to watching Bar Rescue - not even sure how that happened, but we watched a marathon on Spike one day, and that was it! We're hooked - seriously though, I think I love Jon Taffer! 

I meant to record/watch Salem last night which (witch?) premiered on WGN, but completely forgot! Hopefully I can start that series, too, if it's any count - I love me some Salem witch-trial stories! 

Eating: Breakfast hash! I made it twice this weekend, and both times, it was just the best thing ever. 

Crisp bacon in cast iron skillet > set aside to drain > fry cubed and peeled potatoes in bacon grease > set aside to drain > strain (most) the grease > add a little butter to bottom of the the skillet to scrape up the yummy bits > add potatoes and bacon back in along with anything else you want > we add onions and tomatoes > top with cheese and chives or whatever you like (Justin uses ketchup, I put a little sour cream on mine) 

This recipe is the easiest thing ever, I feel bad even calling it a recipe! And it's so versatile, you just make it how you want it, adding in whatever you like best! I will say, though, it's not in the least bit diet friendly - but that's how we like it at our house! 

Anticipating: Summer! The weather has been phenomenal lately (only a few bouts of rain or cold here and there) and it's got me totally jonesing for the lake and watermelon and flip flops and ice cream and long nights and all those wonderful summer things in life! I can't wait for field trips with Sidney and Rhealen's second birthday party and the 4th of July and taking the boys swimming and maybe even some fishing with my husband! 

Listening to: The Frozen soundtrack - that movie has kind of taken over our lives. For better or worse! 

Working on: Our *big* vacation plans - we're taking the kiddos to Disney this fall (along with Gran & Pops - or is it, they're taking us?) and we're all very excited! Every time Sid sees a commercial or advertisement for Disney, she screams "IS IT TIME FOR DISNEY YET?!" *SO* excited! 

Wishing: We had a money tree - I know "they" say money doesn't solve all your problems, but I can think of about 99 problems it'd pay for. Pffft. 

Currently series inspired by Danielle.

Finally, Toby

Toby is my last great gift, the final piece of my puzzle, a perfect end note to my opus. 

He is joy and ease and tranquility. He never fails to amaze me with his sweetness, his divine innocence. He gets the best of me, or maybe it's the worst of me. I am utterly at peace with myself as a mother with him. He's the fourth. I know what I'm doing, and I don't know any other way to do it. But it feels like I'm always too busy with the other three... 

And so he just sits back and waits for me. He waits for my undivided attention, waits with gummy grins and a warm little body to snuggle. He is just perfection, and I hope I always remember (and appreciate) him for the cool little dude he is. Such a sweet little soul. 

Maybe the best really is saved for last...

The Cursing Toddler

To meet Rhealen, from a stranger's perspective, one might think this little girl is shy, quiet, and meek. She can be all of those things, sometimes painstakingly so, but in her "natural element" this girl is wild. And loud. And opinionated. And stubborn to a fault. 

When she gets hurt, she often runs to hide out - where most kids want to be petted and fretted over, she doesn't want to be acknowledged. She doesn't want to cry, doesn't want to be held or kissed in any way. 

And, recently, when frustrated or scared or surprised or just excited, she turns to her new favorite word: dammit. 

Over the weekend, I served her breakfast on all her favorite flatware; her Princess mug half-full of milk and a fresh-from-the-oven biscuit on her Brave plate. She took one bite of her biscuit and proclaimed, "Dammit! That's hot!"

At first I wasn't 100% sure the words actually left her lips, so I didn't acknowledge she'd said anything. And then she did it again. Bite. "Dammit! That's hot!" And then another bite. "Dammit god! That's hot!" 

And that's when I stepped in...I can overlook "dammit" being kind of cute and funny (when they're this little, there's really not much you can do in regards to their choice of language except to redirect them and reprimand them with consistency) but "dammit god" isn't exactly something I want her to stick with. Or flip-flip with the alternative. 

I should clarify: Justin and I both curse. With flair, I might add! It's something we know isn't morally right, and it's not something we're very proud of it. But we do it. And I'm a firm believer that language, specifically foul language, is not the worst habit a human being can have. There are a lot of other qualities that I find worth snubbing; cursing just isn't high on that list. 

That being said, once Sidney was old enough to understand the power of her choice of words, we had lots of conversations about cursing and how it can offend other people. We talked about implications from grand-parents, teachers, friends, etc., and how the words we use at home (in a safe environment) aren't always proper elsewhere. She got it. 

And I know, one day, Rhealen will get it, too. It's part of the learning curve of life. For now, I'm just hoping I can curve that foul little mouth into some words that aren't quite as shocking as "dammit"....

Especially that whole "dammit god" thing. Phew....

A lot of people think I don't filter my life (online) I do try very hard to keep things as authentic as possible -- I don't like "pretending" or "glossing" and I want to document our lives as honestly as possible. I don't see the point in staging perfected photos or excluding details that aren't 100% rosy -- they are our story, all the million and one moments that happen, good/bad/whatever. 

But there are some things I keep to myself; my usual rule of thumb is to not share anything I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about with a friend or coworker. I don't talk about "naughty" things here, and I don't like to discuss my personal beliefs (too heavily, although I am guilty of getting caught up in the heat of the moment from time to time) -- I do try to censor out things that might be embarrassing for the kids later down the road, and I don't really talk about Justin in much detail (he's not one for living a socially interactive lifestyle) -- and as a result, I don't talk about the fighting we do, which isn't often, but sure is intense when it does happen. 

And I'm really only posting this right now to remind myself later on that we did fight (duh!) -- we were ugly and mean and things were not always rosy. We pushed and pulled and threw our hands up in the air. But, obviously, we didn't give up. We kept our vows and found a way to push onward. 

Marriage is hard, y'all. 

But I married my soul mate, my best friend -- and while we know each other too well (and use that knowledge to cut to the quick in the heat of battle!) -- we love each other; stupid, ridiculous, crushing amounts. I love my husband, the father of my children, the hands I love to hold and the heart that matches mine. There will be more fighting, more harsh words, more tears. It's part of the deal: marriage, not for the faint of heart. 

My only hope is that we look back on this time in our marriage and remind ourselves of just how close we were to the edge. I hope we can remember the way it felt, the fear we both had -- and I hope we learn, together, the best way to fix our broken pieces. 

WoW

#AmericanBlogger

I am way low on the totem pole of blogging, specifically mommy-blogging, but even I try to keep abreast of the current trends and tricks in our national (and global) blogging community. 

So when I came across this little gem -- American Blogger (click link for trailer) -- I was left scratching my head. 

Really? That's the film to portray blogging in America?! HA!

This film is drivel. It's narcissistic. It's one group of friends huddled together congratulating themselves on being the "popular" kids. Pathetic. 

There are so many amazing blogs out there from so many diverse voices, this film is a total slap in the face to the community of American blogging. I myself am one of thousands; a white heterosexual married mother of four -- I blog about my kids and our personal lives and not much more. Which is fine! But my voice is one of millions, and as much as I love my life, most of the time I'm interested in hearing voices that are different than mine. That's the beauty of our age of connection, the whole point to all of it -- why this filmmaker from Texas decided he'd ride around in his air-stream trailer filming the same type of blogger over and over again is beyond me. 

I, for one, won't be watching this film -- and if you yourself are not a blogger or don't know much about the blogging community yet, please don't believe this as an accurate representation. 

There is more, so much more, to blogging than this crap. 

Mini-Me

I don't think I'll ever get tired of hearing people say, "Sidney is your mini-me!" >> poor gal, she may be tired of it, but I certainly am not! I am proud to have one that looks like me. Having Rhealen was such a shocker; after having a little dark-haired, peaches and cream complexion, deep-blue eyed baby, little Rhealen was a total contrast! And then came Jaxon with the same pale skin and blonde hair and bright blue eyes, and we thought huh?! Maybe Sidney is the exception and not the rule!

Genetics are funny like that. 

It's still a little too early to tell about Mr. Toby, but I have a feeling he's going to be another tow headed, sparkly blue eyed boy!

Sidney has Justin's mop of curly hair with my thickness. She has his blue-green eyes with the definition, shape and setback of mine. She's such an interesting mix of me and him, and it's so funny how she's turned out to be the most "unique" of our genetic combinations (I hope this doesn't come across weirdly; I love all of my children equally and think they're all beautiful in their own ways, which of course includes their looks, but also their dynamite different personalities!) 

So, all of that to say....I love my "little Mary Ruth", and even if the other three don't look a thing like me, at least I've always got my first-born! 

WoW

Toby - Month 2 & 3

I'm shameful! I completely forgot Toby's 2 month update, and then I forgot to post this last night for his 3 month update! Bad mommy blogger = me

Over the last two months, our little T man has sure done some growing! He's an eating/pooping champ, one thing our other three kids always struggled with. I know it's weird to weigh so much happiness into a baby's bowel movements, but trust me when I say: if you ever have a kid that struggles with the function, you'll be grateful for one that doesn't have any issues! 

Somewhere in the last two weeks Toby finally figured out this whole "sleeping at night" thing -- he's up to four and five hour stretches which feels like sleeping through the night! I feel a little guilty in admitting the boy only will sleep in his carseat, but hey! It's better than no sleep at all! He'll figure out the whole "sleeping in his crib" thing eventually...I hope. 

I'm very happy to admit that Tobster is, without a doubt, the easiest baby EVER. He is nothing but chill, never demanding, never fussy -- he just sort of quietly exists in our chaotic lives. I always thought RJ was a good baby, but Toby makes her look a tornado (which she is now, quite the opposite of her first months of life...which makes me a little nervous about how T will turn out!) I mean, I can't even begin to explain how laid-back this kid is. He's the best! 

Here lately Toby has been gracing us with sweet little smiles and the softest little sounds, like a baby bird! He melts me, this kid! He's also still a big hit with his sisters and especially his brother -- I remember being so nervous that Jaxon would not take well to a new sibling. Jax is such a momma's boy, I just knew he'd be jealous and take out all his aggression on the new baby. 

I'm ridiculously happy to be proven wrong! Jaxon LOVES Toby, probably more so than anyone else. He always wants to kiss him and love on him -- there are times when Jax gets a little too rough or a little too mischievous (he's tried to dump Toby out of his bouncy chair a time or two!) but I think it's always in good fun. Jaxon is more than ready for Toby to be big enough to play around with -- all in good time, little buddy!

I'm still in amazement, almost daily, that our little Toby ended up being a boy. It feels right, like that's what it was meant to be all along -- two girls, two boys. Four little pieces of me and Justin walking through this life. I just can't wait to see them grow together, and our little Toadstool is the final puzzle piece to our crazy family. He's got me wrapped, for sure!