my sassy-not-so-little girl

It's been all of three days since I over-exposed my girl child and made you want to vomit from all her cuteness, right?! RIGHT?!!!

Well, fear no more chicklets. Here's some SidMo cuteness to make your ears wiggle and your toes tingle! She's getting so big so fast - every inch of her is attitude and sass! (Can't you tell from some of these shots?) What am I going to do with her, folks?






























Luckily for us all, she's got a little sweet mixed in with that sass :)

In our version of Titanic, nobody dies

Justin and I like to watch movies where the endings don't always work out, and then re-imagine how things might've turned out if we were in that exact situation. Take for example: Titanic. Whenever we watch Titanic, we mostly laugh (even though I know we shouldn't) because there are a million chances that pass by that no one does anything productive to save their own skin.

Justin always says he'd start making his own raft out of anything and everything he could find once the ship started sinking. But he's just crafty like that. My game plan would be to go with the Dory from Finding Nemo approach: "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." I wouldn't stay still in the water waiting for someone to come back and pick me up. Yes, both of our plans have serious flaws but hey - that's how we roll. We're thinking on our toes here. What's your excuse?

No matter how much we plot and plan and try to convince the people in the movie to GET SMART and DO SOMETHING about their situation, they always go into the water unprepared and not many of them survive (maybe, just maybe someday we'll be able to rewrite the ending of Titanic for them all and more than six people will survive)! Every stinking time those brave souls hit the water, I can feel the air in the room getting tighter. I know what's going to be coming in just a few minutes. As soon as Jack and Rose find each other again, Justin's starts his tirade:

"Oh, come over here honey. See where I parked the piece of wood for us? There's 1,500 people out here struggling to survive BUT NO ONE IS GOING TO TAKE MY PIECE OF WOOD THAT I PARKED RIGHT HERE!!!!!!!!!"

And then when they try to hoist themselves up on said piece of wood the conversation goes like this, starting with me:

"TRY AGAIN! TRY AGAIN! YOU ONLY TRIED ONCE!"
"He's got enough common sense to know the ship will suck them under the water when it goes down, but he ain't smart enough to know you have to get up on the wood from opposite sides?! COME ON, MAN!"
"JUST TRY AGAIN, DAMMIT! PLEASE, TRY AGAIN!"

You have to realize we're screaming at the TV and each other and all the while our child is running amuck somewhere in all of this. Lord only knows how we'll warp her mind with all our crazy TV back-talking (among a million other crazy things we do).

The best part of the whole Titanic experience came at the end of the movie when SidMo, undoubtedly aroused by all of our screaming, became sucked into the movie as much as we were. When Rose drops the "heart of the ocean" back into the water, Sidney started freaking out! Her TV tirade went something like this:

"UH-OH! UH-OH!!! MOM-MOM, UH-OH!!!!"

That's our girl. You tell 'em honey. They just don't know how to make movies, do they? Maybe someday she'll be out there in Hollywood and she can re-write the ending of all the movies Justin and I don't agree with. And then when she's at the Oscars accepting her directorial award, she can look into the audience and say:

"This one's for you, Daddy! Who says everyone had to die at the end of Titanic??!!"


Because we all know men this good-looking shouldn't have to go to waste :)

topsy turvy tuesday

It's not even lunchtime and today has been great so far! Even though I woke up late and was running behind this morning, things still managed to turn right around and end up being ALL GOOD.

Reason #1 - I won a radio contest this morning! YES, ME! Me, who never wins anything like that. I won! My prize, you ask? Well for sure, 100% I get a Mountain Dew prize pack. And I'm entered in the big contest to meet Dale, JR. and go see the Food City 250 (or 500? I can't remember)! Either way - I'm stoked! I'm just thrilled to have won the prize pack, let alone be entered into the big, BIG contest with the even bigger, BIGGER prize! I've never been to a race - should be fun. And Dale, JR. is kind of cute. Sort of - so it'd be neat to meet him & take pictures. It'd my be claim to fame (and the next time the #lameclaimtofame goes around on Twitter, I'd have something to say). Anyways, I'm happy. It made me happy just to win.

Reason #2 - one of my wonderful co-workers made caramel apples this morning. I had one for breakfast! YUMMMMMMM. Not healthy, you say? Who cares!? I have no money to buy breakfast and I'm tired of eating out of the freezer, so I'll take a homemade caramel apple for breakfast any day of the week!!!

Reason #3 - I've come to the decision that whatever happens with my math class this semester is going to happen. It's out of my hands at this point. I'm going to email my teacher, ask her if there's anything I can do for extra credit to try and bump up my grade, but if not: it'll be okay. And even it turns out to NOT be okay, there's nothing I can really do about that now. I've got my final coming up. I'm prepping for that and hopefully, things will all work out for the best. But like I said, either way I'm not going to stress about it.

So all in all - it's been a good morning. A little up. A little down. But all around good. I hope the rest of the week plays out like this!

daddy/daughter

Just because I love them both so much and sometimes I feel like I don't show it enough. Today is a day to be thankful for the blessings we are given and for the people in our lives.





























































The two loves of my life: Justin + Sidney

let today be a good day

To say it was one helluva weekend would be quite the understatement.

It was a nightmare. Where to begin? Friday was as busy as could be at work. The phone rang off the hook, papers were flying everywhere and life was beyond chaotic. The mood at the office was pretty dark due to the fact that a local woman had recently passed away unexpectedly and we all knew her in one way or another. Her wake was Friday night, so we all had to rush home to change after work and then rush off to the funeral home. Luckily, Mom kept SidMo Friday night so I was able to go home and collapse without the added checklist of chasing after her.

Saturday was pretty bad, too. Justin and I had a pretty good row that morning/afternoon. We haven't fought like that in a long time and I hope we don't have to fight like that again for the rest of the year. I'm not a good person to fight with. I cry and I can never get my words right. It's pretty ugly - and he's not exactly Mr. Diplomatic when it comes to our fights. He's a damned good fighter. He knows how to cut to the quick and he knows where to hurt me. But we've been fighting together for almost six years now. I've learned to separate what he's actually saying from what he actually means. You'd think he'd be able to do the same from me, but I'm chalking that one up to him being "male" and well...you know the rest of that gene-pool story.

Sunday was better - actually it got better Saturday night. But Sunday was pretty decent, minus the fact that we had to visit relatives who were aching. Justin's uncle recently lost his wife in an unfortunate car accident - he (Justin's uncle) was pretty shook up about it, as is expected. Everyone deals with grief in their own private (or public) ways. I have learned never to knock the way a person handles themself when faced with uncertain and altogether horrible situations. I can't imagine being in that situation. I pray and hope and wish that I am never in that situation.

Justin and I kept that conversation on repeat on the way home:

"I hope I never have to deal with something like that..."
"I can't imagine losing you like that..."
"Just be careful, dammit. Just wear your freaking seat belt, okay?"
"There's only one thing worse than losing your love..."
"Don't even go there-"

So yeah, needless to say despite all our bickering Saturday we forgave and forgot real quick on Sunday. I hate that it takes death to appreciate life, but so it is. We hugged each other a little tighter and spoke to each other just a little nicer. We should remember to do that always but we don't and I know we won't. It will always take miracles or catastrophes to bring us back to the center again - we will always have to be kicked hard to remember to love each other outwardly as much as we do inwardly.

Somewhere in all that chaos there was also a birthday party, a hellacious storm that lasted all of Saturday night and most of Sunday, moving (wet) furniture and cleaning house among other little tidbits. This coming weekend, SidMo and I are traveling with Mom to Gatlinburg for a little R&R. I can't wait. Honestly, I CANNOT WAIT. I feel bad for Justin because he hasn't been anywhere this summer, but I'm hoping if I plan a good enough honeymoon for us, he'll be okay with the fact that Sidney and I have been everywhere (Florida, Williamsburg, and now G-burg). I'm just hoping for a sane work-week and safe travels this weekend. I hope that for me and for you - remember to wear your damn seat belt, okay?!

**PS please check out MckMama's blog and support her beautiful boy Stellan. It's been a wild ride on Twitter this morning and I'm hoping he pulls through. Lord knows after the heartbreak we all shared over Maddie, we could use a miracle for little Stellan.

my very own morning glory

There's something about my daughter when she first wakes up in the morning - no, I take that back. It's not when she first wakes up. It happens about twenty minutes after she's been awake. Her eyes and skin and hair seem to glow. Each morning it's like I'm looking at her all over again, exploring her face and seeing her for the first time. The way the light hits her cheeks make my heart melt. It's beautiful. She's absolutely beautiful. And I don't even mean cute as a little toddler with fat, puffy cheeks and a sweet little button nose.

In those early morning hours, my child is beautiful. Like an old painting. Or a rare statue. Am I sounding crazy? Maybe. Such is the story of my life. I tried to take a picture of this morning glory of hers and I wound up with this:


You can't see what I'm talking about here because mind you it was early, we were in the car (yes, I was driving) and I was using the camera on my blackberry - not the best recipe for a good picture. One day this weekend or later next week, I'll get the good camera (which is in the possession of our wedding photographers at this very moment) and try to capture what I'm trying to explain.

But maybe it's one of those things you just have to witness in person. Maybe it's something only I can see because I'm her mother and my love for her illuminates her in a way only I can understand. But then again, maybe my kid really is that gorgeous and I'll be able to prove it to you with a photo. Either way, I'm totally jealous of her. She's got something going on that I never had or will have going on*. But that's alright by me - I'll happily soak up her morning beauty every day if she'll let me.


*When I wake up in the morning - it's horrible. You ever see one of those crime-scene investigation shows where they pump water back into a dead body that's been mummified so they can get an idea of how that person looked when they were alive? That's kind of what I look like. Saggy in some spots. Puffed up in others. Red all over. It ain't pretty. It ain't even close to decent-looking. Trust me, you'll never see a picture of me first thing in the morning. I promise!

the thing I'm just not supposed to say

Ask just about anyone who knows me or has seen me interact with my child and they will tell you: I'm very easy going. Most of the time I pick my battles with her. I don't want to start a fight over everything (which most of the time she would do) so unless what she wants is completely against my will, I let her win. Is this bad of me? Maybe. Am I spoiling her? Just a little. But I want you to know there comes a point in every parent's life when they are faced with a split decision about how to handle choosing one's battles with their children.

I had such a moment last night with Sidney.

When we're home, SidMo is usually doing one of two things: one, playing by herself in her room - or two, following my every move around the house. It may be wrong or mean or crazy to say but there are days when Sidney and Justin don't get along. Some days he's golden and she worships him and she can't get enough of him. But most of the time, she'd rather be with me or be alone as opposed to being with her dear old dad. I don't worry too much about this because I know as time goes on she'll love him more and more (like all those times when I tell her "NO" and she goes running to Daddy because he'll tell her "YES" - I'm not stupid. I know those days are soon to be here). But for now she's mostly my shadow and I am her #1.

That being said, I rarely get a moment alone when we're together. And most of the time, that doesn't really bother me. Most of the time I don't care that Sidney is following me around whining for me to pawn all over her - honestly, it's sweet and I know that someday I'll be the one begging her for hugs and kisses. I cherish these times, people, I really do. I don't take my child for granted and I appreciate her loving me so unconditionally as she so often does. But there are moments, minutes during the day when I need a second to breathe for myself. I need to have a little bit of peace and quiet and just one second to rebound from all the crazy that is going on my life. I need to be able to hear myself think and have coherent thoughts - as much as I love the sound of Sidney's voice, sometimes I just need her to shut up and leave me alone. Is that harsh? It sure sounds that way - but it's honest. I hope to always be honest with my daughter and with myself.

Last night I was taking a shower - not even a full blown shower really, I just needed to shave (up until last night we hadn't had razors in the house for 4 days. UMM, YEAH). I snuck off to take a shower while Sidney was watching Charlie & the Chocolate Factory in the living room. But within 5 minutes she had found me - and as soon as she realized I wasn't going to let her shower with me (as I so often do) she began her temper tantrum. Body thrust on the floor, face covered in big tears - the works. I've seen this show a million times. I'm used to it by now. I barely even hear her screaming and crying anymore. But of course, Justin came wandering back through the house with his daddy-voice going "what's wrong with her?". I'M IN THE SHOWER. WITH TWO OTHER PEOPLE IN THE BATHROOM WITH ME. One of them is crying her head off because she's not getting her way. The other is mad because the other one is crying. PEOPLE, PLEASE!!!!?????

I couldn't handle it - I didn't care if she cried the entire time I was in the shower (which she did mostly). I got out of the shower, body soaked - soap suds running everywhere. I picked her thrashing, little body up and put her outside the bathroom AND I SHUT THE DOOR. (This is the part where I'm smiling at how mean I was - I manged to put "me" in front of my child, which shouldn't be the case 99.9% of the time but last night was my 0.01% and I needed to enjoy it!!!) I got back in the shower and took my time finishing up. Whatever was going on outside that bathroom was not any of business or my concern. I kept telling myself "let him deal with it - I need a moment to myself for pity's sake". And I did just that - I took my 10-12 minute shower and just enjoyed it.

When I emerged from said glorious shower, Sidney was on Justin's lap in the living room - her head buried on his shoulder, her eyes puffy and red, her heart momentarily broken. Amazingly, however, once I sat back down on the couch she came toddling over to curl up with me. Heartbreak over. She loved me once again. I just looked at her and told her that I needed a little "me" time. She just dropped her head and said "'kay" the way she does when I'm chiding her for wrong-doing. Will these moments happen again? Absolutely. Will I have to choose myself over my daughter for my well-being? I hope I don't have to too often. I love my daughter and I never want to see her cry or be unhappy. But in order for her to be happy, I have to be happy. There's that old saying: "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". I don't want to live by that verbatim, because there are days when I'm not so happy but I can still make sure my family is happy. But I do want to keep a little private time for myself - I want to keep me as happy as I possibly can. And if that means pushing my daughter out of the bathroom for 10 minutes, then she's just going to have to learn how to deal with that.

So I ask you other mothers, how do you find your "me" time? How do you deal with the guilt you feel for squeezing in a little personal, private time away from your kids? What's the best way you've learned to cope with being a woman, parent, mother, lover, friend and human being all at the same time? I look forward to your comments!

what a lazy girl this tuesday has made me

Yesterday darn near killed me - I hate Mondays. They're the worst. The worst of the worst. Monday happens to be the only day Justin has off*, so when I come home on Mondays after working all day, he's usually keen to chasing SidMo so I can flop face first into the couch or bed or floor...wherever. (This usually entices SidMo - she thinks I'm playing some new game that involves me lying still whilest she crawls and dive-bombs all over my body. NOT. FUN.)

So I don't feel like blogging right at this moment - maybe later today I'll get all spiffy and do a DELIGHT or something. But I highly doubt it. Instead I'm going to dive-bomb you all with some cuteness.
























and here's an old collage I did about a year or so ago - I'm thinking about doing a new one to use as the header for my blog.

#jeffgoldblum

Just click on the link below - it'll take 5 minutes (mayble less) to read. But if you let it, it'll reach down inside your soul and shake things up a bit.

#more

Shared via AddThis

*A special thanks to @BaltimoreGal for sharing this on Twitter.

weekend in review

WOW - that's all I can say about my weekend. It was a whirlwind of two days that seemed to fly by in the blink of an eye. I love being busy but I hate being stressed (especially when I'm stressing about being busy). Let's see, what is making me stressed I wonder? How about Justin finding a different job before his current one lays him off? How about finishing up one simple math class that stands in the way of me and my diploma that makes me feel about the size of an ant? Honestly, tell me how one stupid class can make me feel so dumb. I've logged over 70 hours at that freaking college - how can one class, one simple little business math class tear me down so? I don't know how, but it sure does.

Feeling stressed yet? Yeah, me too. Here's some more: how about moving furniture around my house all day - I live in a 1980-something trailer, not Buckingham Palace. Where am I supposed to put all this stuff? How about dealing with the enourmous temper tantrums of both my 2-year-old daughter and my 22-year-old fiance? How about never having enough money to cover my @$$? I had to take a week off from work to take that vacation to Williamsburg and I've been play catch-up with my bank account ever since. I hate stressing about money!!! I hate being stressed PERIOD.

I did however manage to make that potato soup I wanted to make on Saturday and it was quite delicious - although my "soup" reminded me more of "mashed potatoes". I'm not sure which ingredient I left out or which one I didn't add enough of, but nevertheless it was good. Just not very soup-y.

Oh, and you see this? This tiny little red spot in the corner of my eye? No amount of Visine would wash away this damned spot - I have literally been clawing at my eye all weekend long. Every time I think the spot is disappearing and will leave me alone, it flares up in full-force.


And another thing - you see this weather? IT'S JULY - how is it possible that we're having 70-degree weather during the day and 50-degree weather at night? YOU HEARD ME RIGHT - we've been having to turn OFF our air-conditioner at night because our house is freezing! When I get up in the morning, I don't want to get out from under my comforter. I'm using a comforter in July - what is wrong with this picture?!

It better clear up before September or I am going to freak out!!!

Luckily for me, I have this crazy, goregous, silly, talented, brilliant, wild child to cheer me up when the drearies of life get me bogged down.


I don't think I would've kept my sanity this past weekend if it hadn't been for our tickle-giggle session on the couch. We ate potato chips and watched Moulin Rouge (yes, she enjoys it too!) and just vegged out a little in the middle of all that insanity. Thank god for this little girlfriend of mine - she's the glue that's holding me together right now.

holy guacamole

I'm getting married in 64 days - how the hello fuzzy did this happen?!?!?!

Needless to say, I'm a teensy tiny bit behind in the planning department.

I'm blaming twitter and all you great bloggers out there I love to follow!!!

not to name names or anything...

But I think someone has been playing in my Avon make-up.







You can barely see the beginnings of her black eye - she ran into a table at mom's house. I'll try to get a good picture of it later today. It's the craziest bruise I've ever seen!

But doesn't my little one look adorable? Sometimes she's so cute & rotten even I can't stand her!

bridesmaids dresses

So, yesterday I went to order the bridesmaids dresses I had picked out (with my bridesmaids) almost six months ago and guess what - the delivery date for those dresses was 09/18. Our wedding date is 09/19. Not exactly the best news I got yesterday. Moving on. Moving forward.

Luckily for me, I am a very laid-back kind of person. Those dresses don't work? Okay, whatever. Let's just pick out new ones. The lady that worked at the dress shop gave me this "Really?! You're serious?" kind of look - like she couldn't believe I didn't lay down in the floor like a 2-year-old and demand that my dresses somehow magically appear on time and ready to go!!! Umm, I am 20-years-old. I may still be a "kid" in many ways, but I am more mature than that.

So that is what we did exactly. Me and two out of three of my bridesmaids sat down, started flipping pages. I was very cut-throat. If I didn't immediately like it, I said "next!" - it was actually quite fun. I narrowed my choices down to two different dresses, took a majority vote and picked the one I liked best anyway. Right before we were getting ready to look up colors, sizes, shipping info, etc - the wonderful lady at the dress shop gave me a subtle suggestion. It was something I hadn't thought about before (because wedding-planning is not my forte, believe me). She pulled out color swatches and started mixing and matching my colors, offering advice on switching up the colors for each dress and/or for one special dress (like my MOH's dress). So that's what I did - I took her advice. I said "sure! why not?" and again she gave that WTF? look. I'm easy, lady. I don't give a shit anymore. I JUST WANT TO GET MARRIED. I don't care if the girls wear burlap sacks!!!

We picked out a dress - Dobby (who is my MOH) is getting a kiwi dress with a chocolate sash, whilest Cassie and Miranda are going to wear chocolate dresses with kiwi sashes. Is that cute? I think so. If not, I really don't care. They're gorgeous girls, so they'll look great in anything. I'm not worried - and if they look awful, we can always go with the burlap sack. After all, it is in my color scheme.

Here's the dress:

What do you think?

Williamsburg

Here is another little photo series of shots from our mini-vacation to see my dad and step-mom in Williamsburg, VA. We didn't get to do a whole lot due to the fact that Sidney was sick for three out of the five days we were visiting. I wish I could've taken more pictures, but alas it didn't happen.

I had a dual realization whilest traveling with Sidney this time. I was able to see two sides of a very important coin. Side one: I love traveling with someone who helps me with Sidney (DUH!). Not only does it ease my stress-load, but it allows me the opportunity to photograph so much more. Take for example, our trip to the aquarium: I didn't get to take nearly as many photographs as I would've liked to because I was chasing SidMo from exhibit to exhibit. I spent my time pointing out different fish, picking her up to get a better view, etc etc etc. I was so busy being hands-on with her, I didn't have time to put my hands on my camera.

Which brings me to side two: when I am so damn busy with my hands on my camera, I miss out being hands-on with my daughter. Sure, I want to photograph these memories for us to cherish now and forever. But how much time am I sacrificing with my daughter just to say "cheese" and snap the camera? Am I making the wrong choices here? Should I not worry so much about having physical evidence of our memories and instead focus on making internal memories so strong I'll never be able to forget them? Which is the right thing to do here?

I think I've figured out the answer: let someone else hold the camera. I can take turns with the people around me and still find the balance of spending time in front of and behind the lens. I appreciate these people who travel with us and give us a helping hand so much for all the work they do taking care of Sidney, but maybe I should just say "hey, can you take a picture of us?" and then let it go. Either way, I'm re-evaluating the way I look at photography and vacations and time well spent with my child.

In the meantime, here are some snaps from our trip last week.


My father is extremely proud of his garden which includes over 200 potted plants...









Sidney became a huge fan of "stopping to smell the roses"...






Luckily, there were a few moments where she felt good enough to frolick outside






Seeing the tomatoes in the window right there inspired me to take the next picture...



even though tomatoes totally disgust me.



at Busch Garden's waiting to see the "horsey"...



like she doesn't see horses and cows every freaking day of her life.






this is what you get when you hand the camera to your dad and say "take pictures"






the seals at the aquarium were such show-offs...Sidney loved them



the turtles showed-off a little, too









we couldn't get enough of the turtles



and the fish



and the lobsters



we just had to do something tourist-y



and at the end of the day (and the end of our trip) we were tired but happy girls




thanks dad & brenda!