biggest little

I spent lots of good time with my biggest little today, and it was just what both of us needed! Don't get me wrong, we love our little sister darling, but sometimes it's so nice to enjoy the one on one time. Plus, RJ got plenty of quality time with her Mamaw, so it was a win-win for everyone.

Sidney got her first big real haircut today in a "salon", not just a trim from me at home. She did so-so with the haircut, but she looks adorable. No more dead ends or unwanted frizz, just an inch gone and beautiful curls all around her head. Then we did a little "under garment" shopping for me and some "back to school" clothes and shoes shopping for Sidney.

It's not really "back to school" for her, but rather "first time going to school" - she starts Pre-K next month! My little girl is not so little anymore, it seems. It's all bittersweet and exciting and I can't wait to see what kind of little "student" she's going to be. So excited!

It's been one of the best days I've had in awhile with Sidney, and it gives me such hope that soon I'll be able to have days like these with Rhealen. It won't always be crying and diapers and whining and bottles. Soon it'll be little shopping trips with her while her big sister is at school or spending time with her friends. I will have these fun times with her, too - and I just can't wait!

It's days like today that reminds me just how much fun it can be being a girl. And a mother of girls.

lately

pretty baby

she is obsessed with her vibrating seat...it's equal parts annoying and cute.

best partner in crime I could ever ask for.

hi-def beauty

pile o' pizza





she finally got that thumb in there. dear god help us all.

weekend funny stuff

[NSFW]


Have you seen Adventureland yet? If you haven't, you're definitely missing out.

Hope you have a good weekend!

the secret life of mothers of babies who don't sleep through the night...yet

There's an entire secret society of women (and men, too) up at all hours of the night feeding and changing and rocking and cuddling little babies in need. For some it's every few hours. For some it's a constant thing. I'm lucky to be of the former variety with little Rhealen. She's usually up once or twice a night with a simple regimen: change the diaper, eat a few ounces, cuddle for a minute and back to sleep for a few more hours. It's bliss.

When I'm up at night with her, in the midst of my sleep-deprived haze, I think about a lot of different things. I wonder how many of my friends are out there at that exact moment doing the exact same thing I am. And seeing has 2011 has been the "year of babies" among my friends, I'm sure that odds are there's quite a few people up at the same time I am. I feel connected to all of you Moms and Dads, miles apart and without ever acknowledging it. It helps me keep my sanity a little, in the dead of the night and the wee hours of the morning, to know I'm not alone.

Getting up with Rhealen has been fairly easy so far, and dare I say it: enjoyable. Of course, that will probably all change once it comes time for me to go back to work (oh, if only I didn't have to go back to work). I love our time together, while Justin and Sidney are snoozing away in bed together, Rhealen and I have free reign of the house. To do what we please, to listen to music and dance, or watch bad late night TV together or just sit and stare at each other if we want. It's our time, our incredibly special time together. And it's nice to have these precious hours to bond, to really get to know each other and trust each other and love one another better.

This is one little society I'm glad to know and be a proud member of. The grogginess and grumpiness and bags under my eyes may sometimes give me away and make me a little unbearable at times. But it's late night bliss. Beautiful, sweet, late night baby bliss.

emotional muck and mire

Since Rhealen was born five weeks ago, I've been having this internal monologue with myself almost every day about her. About I feel about her. There's no denying I love her, absolutely, she's my child and it's impossible not to love her with every fiber of my being. Deep down, in the heart of me, I love this child so much.

It's just that sometimes I feel like I don't like her. Or rather that I'm not sure how I feel about her. She's an excellent baby and has only had two semi-rough days since she's been with us. I keep telling myself, during my conversations inside my head with little Rhealen, "it's not you, it's me." And it is me. I'm the one struggling here. I try not to compare babies, but Sidney is all I have to go by when it comes to my feelings. When I first saw Sidney, it was this immediate heartswell and all the love in the universe poured into me immediately. I was ripped open with love for this little girl, and the feeilng was so intense it broke me down into beautiful, sobbing tears.

With Rhealen, I didn't have that moment. I honestly haven't had it yet. I'm waiting for the overpowering, knock-the-breath-out-of-you moment to hit me. It's like Sidney was my "love at first sight" baby and with Rhealen I'm "taking it slow". Which I don't really like. If I could control it, we'd be madly in love already.

I don't know what the difference is this time around. Maybe it's because I didn't have to work hard to bring her into this world (hello, one giant push!) or maybe it's all a hormonal thing and I'm on the verge on PPD. I don't feel sad or angry or anything too extreme one way or the other. In fact, I'm just kind of indifferent. And it's killing me.

I want to swell and burst with love for my little girl. I want all those wonderful feelings I had with Sidney right after she was born. I don't want to keep fighting with myself, trying to justify that I love these children equally. Because I do. Differently, yes, but equally. They are my girls. Justin and I both say that a million times a day: our girls.

This may all sound horrid, and hopefully one day I can read this post again and be grateful to be on the other side of things. Hopefully one day soon. Because I hate mixed emotions. I hate not feeling like myself. I hate feeling like I'm cheating Rhealen by not being the most crazy, insane in love momma that I can be. I do love her, heart and soul. And I'm so grateful she's here with me and healthy, and I never want to take advantage of the fact that both my girls are perfectly perfect in every way. I go back to the doctor next week, and I've already prepared my conversation in my head. I know these feelings are normal, emotions and hormones are always jumbled up after having a baby. I know things could be a lot worse. But I also know what I'm capable of and I'm not at my full potential right now.

And I'm ready to be. I'm ready, ready, ready to be head-over-heels in love with my baby.