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Currently

Loving: How wonderful our Easter weekend was! Justin and I both had a full three-day-weekend, and we made a little pact Thursday night to do our best to enjoy *every* minute of it. Something always tends to go wrong or pop up in the middle of a good weekend to put a damper on things, but we were determined this weekend! We had a wonderful time with family and food, and I can't wait to spend more warm weekends together. 

Reading: So FINALLY after nearly 2 years, I finished the last book in the 50 Shades trilogy. Seriously, I started the first book on vacation in 2012 - it's not like those books are difficult to read. And it's not like I really even enjoyed reading them (after about the third "naughty" scene it just gets kind of redundant, plus there's better BDSM reads online, for free no less) but I was determined to finish what I had started. And at least now that ordeal is over with! 

I read a snippet of Asylum/Madeleine Roux on my Kindle the other night, and it was really good right up front - I need to download the full version and get on it! 

Watching: Now that our Sunday nights are void of The Walking Dead, Justin and I have taken to watching Bar Rescue - not even sure how that happened, but we watched a marathon on Spike one day, and that was it! We're hooked - seriously though, I think I love Jon Taffer! 

I meant to record/watch Salem last night which (witch?) premiered on WGN, but completely forgot! Hopefully I can start that series, too, if it's any count - I love me some Salem witch-trial stories! 

Eating: Breakfast hash! I made it twice this weekend, and both times, it was just the best thing ever. 

Crisp bacon in cast iron skillet > set aside to drain > fry cubed and peeled potatoes in bacon grease > set aside to drain > strain (most) the grease > add a little butter to bottom of the the skillet to scrape up the yummy bits > add potatoes and bacon back in along with anything else you want > we add onions and tomatoes > top with cheese and chives or whatever you like (Justin uses ketchup, I put a little sour cream on mine) 

This recipe is the easiest thing ever, I feel bad even calling it a recipe! And it's so versatile, you just make it how you want it, adding in whatever you like best! I will say, though, it's not in the least bit diet friendly - but that's how we like it at our house! 

Anticipating: Summer! The weather has been phenomenal lately (only a few bouts of rain or cold here and there) and it's got me totally jonesing for the lake and watermelon and flip flops and ice cream and long nights and all those wonderful summer things in life! I can't wait for field trips with Sidney and Rhealen's second birthday party and the 4th of July and taking the boys swimming and maybe even some fishing with my husband! 

Listening to: The Frozen soundtrack - that movie has kind of taken over our lives. For better or worse! 

Working on: Our *big* vacation plans - we're taking the kiddos to Disney this fall (along with Gran & Pops - or is it, they're taking us?) and we're all very excited! Every time Sid sees a commercial or advertisement for Disney, she screams "IS IT TIME FOR DISNEY YET?!" *SO* excited! 

Wishing: We had a money tree - I know "they" say money doesn't solve all your problems, but I can think of about 99 problems it'd pay for. Pffft. 

Currently series inspired by Danielle.

Finally, Toby

Toby is my last great gift, the final piece of my puzzle, a perfect end note to my opus. 

He is joy and ease and tranquility. He never fails to amaze me with his sweetness, his divine innocence. He gets the best of me, or maybe it's the worst of me. I am utterly at peace with myself as a mother with him. He's the fourth. I know what I'm doing, and I don't know any other way to do it. But it feels like I'm always too busy with the other three... 

And so he just sits back and waits for me. He waits for my undivided attention, waits with gummy grins and a warm little body to snuggle. He is just perfection, and I hope I always remember (and appreciate) him for the cool little dude he is. Such a sweet little soul. 

Maybe the best really is saved for last...

The Cursing Toddler

To meet Rhealen, from a stranger's perspective, one might think this little girl is shy, quiet, and meek. She can be all of those things, sometimes painstakingly so, but in her "natural element" this girl is wild. And loud. And opinionated. And stubborn to a fault. 

When she gets hurt, she often runs to hide out - where most kids want to be petted and fretted over, she doesn't want to be acknowledged. She doesn't want to cry, doesn't want to be held or kissed in any way. 

And, recently, when frustrated or scared or surprised or just excited, she turns to her new favorite word: dammit. 

Over the weekend, I served her breakfast on all her favorite flatware; her Princess mug half-full of milk and a fresh-from-the-oven biscuit on her Brave plate. She took one bite of her biscuit and proclaimed, "Dammit! That's hot!"

At first I wasn't 100% sure the words actually left her lips, so I didn't acknowledge she'd said anything. And then she did it again. Bite. "Dammit! That's hot!" And then another bite. "Dammit god! That's hot!" 

And that's when I stepped in...I can overlook "dammit" being kind of cute and funny (when they're this little, there's really not much you can do in regards to their choice of language except to redirect them and reprimand them with consistency) but "dammit god" isn't exactly something I want her to stick with. Or flip-flip with the alternative. 

I should clarify: Justin and I both curse. With flair, I might add! It's something we know isn't morally right, and it's not something we're very proud of it. But we do it. And I'm a firm believer that language, specifically foul language, is not the worst habit a human being can have. There are a lot of other qualities that I find worth snubbing; cursing just isn't high on that list. 

That being said, once Sidney was old enough to understand the power of her choice of words, we had lots of conversations about cursing and how it can offend other people. We talked about implications from grand-parents, teachers, friends, etc., and how the words we use at home (in a safe environment) aren't always proper elsewhere. She got it. 

And I know, one day, Rhealen will get it, too. It's part of the learning curve of life. For now, I'm just hoping I can curve that foul little mouth into some words that aren't quite as shocking as "dammit"....

Especially that whole "dammit god" thing. Phew....

A lot of people think I don't filter my life (online) I do try very hard to keep things as authentic as possible -- I don't like "pretending" or "glossing" and I want to document our lives as honestly as possible. I don't see the point in staging perfected photos or excluding details that aren't 100% rosy -- they are our story, all the million and one moments that happen, good/bad/whatever. 

But there are some things I keep to myself; my usual rule of thumb is to not share anything I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about with a friend or coworker. I don't talk about "naughty" things here, and I don't like to discuss my personal beliefs (too heavily, although I am guilty of getting caught up in the heat of the moment from time to time) -- I do try to censor out things that might be embarrassing for the kids later down the road, and I don't really talk about Justin in much detail (he's not one for living a socially interactive lifestyle) -- and as a result, I don't talk about the fighting we do, which isn't often, but sure is intense when it does happen. 

And I'm really only posting this right now to remind myself later on that we did fight (duh!) -- we were ugly and mean and things were not always rosy. We pushed and pulled and threw our hands up in the air. But, obviously, we didn't give up. We kept our vows and found a way to push onward. 

Marriage is hard, y'all. 

But I married my soul mate, my best friend -- and while we know each other too well (and use that knowledge to cut to the quick in the heat of battle!) -- we love each other; stupid, ridiculous, crushing amounts. I love my husband, the father of my children, the hands I love to hold and the heart that matches mine. There will be more fighting, more harsh words, more tears. It's part of the deal: marriage, not for the faint of heart. 

My only hope is that we look back on this time in our marriage and remind ourselves of just how close we were to the edge. I hope we can remember the way it felt, the fear we both had -- and I hope we learn, together, the best way to fix our broken pieces.