So the other day I had some time to kill and I thought to myself, "hey, why not go try on some clothes!"
Whenever I'm bored and have some extra time I like to go look at things just for shits and giggles, things I don't intend to buy but just enjoy looking at (if you work on commission anywhere, sorry that's just how I roll). I like to test drive cars just for fun, go look at mobile homes for the heck of it, and apparently, try on clothes just to make a blog post out of it!
And let me say, the "fashion" of today scares me. Like, really scares me.
I discovered two things while browsing around:
#1 I have a very distinct pattern of things I like to wear
#2 I am way out of touch with the "in" crowd when it comes to clothes
So without further ado, here are some looks I put together that are flattering, horrifying and everything in between!
Look #1
At first, I thought to myself, "This isn't half bad" - then I tried to move around a little to see how it looked.
And then I was all, "WHAT THE HELL?" - this shirt is the absolute least flattering thing I've ever put on my body. Who does this look good on?
Correct answer: no one.
Look #2
I like this shirt - I think I have this shirt in about 10 different patterns and colors at home. It's a definite thumbs-up for me.
Look #3
And to get all saucy and daring, I threw on a little caplet thing. And I felt like such a hipster!
Look #4
I loved this pattern and this material, but it was a wee big tight on me. Looks pretty good standing there, sucking my gut in, but as soon as I sat down the rolls came popping out all over. Not hot.
Look #5
Definitely a thumbs down! You can totally see my bra and my muffin top pooching out over my jeans. I know what you're thinking, "just wear a tank underneath" but no. I don't want to buy a shirt that I have to wear another shirt underneath it just to be decent in public.
Look #6
Okay, here's thing about this shirt: I do not wear belts of any kind. Not on my pants, not around my shirts. But I know this is trendy, so I figured I'd give it a try. Looks so-so from the front, right? Not too bad?
Well look at the side-view:
My back-fat is totally munching on some belt. Not exactly hot in my book. I think I'll live this trend to the hipsters and skinny bitches.
Look #7
This shirt, as corny as it is, is totally up my alley! I feel like John Travolta (obviously) and very comfortable.
And as you can see, the best part:
No back-fat, baby!
Look #8
This top? I love it. I love everything about it. It's black. It's flattering. It's black. It's girly. It's black. I die.
Look #9
And to finish off our fashion show, I thought I'd try on a dress - but I wasn't about to take my pants off because then you'd see my pale white legs and lovely, unshaven hairs. So this is what you get. I feel like a total hippie in this dress, and not the good kind. The cheap, trying-too-hard, polyester version.
And double-whammy:
Why, yes, I did just have a baby. Eight months ago.
As you can see, clearly I have zero fashion sense. But I do have a sense of humor. And that makes any trip to the dressing room a little bit more tolerable!
Whenever I'm bored and have some extra time I like to go look at things just for shits and giggles, things I don't intend to buy but just enjoy looking at (if you work on commission anywhere, sorry that's just how I roll). I like to test drive cars just for fun, go look at mobile homes for the heck of it, and apparently, try on clothes just to make a blog post out of it!
And let me say, the "fashion" of today scares me. Like, really scares me.
I discovered two things while browsing around:
#1 I have a very distinct pattern of things I like to wear
#2 I am way out of touch with the "in" crowd when it comes to clothes
So without further ado, here are some looks I put together that are flattering, horrifying and everything in between!
Look #1
At first, I thought to myself, "This isn't half bad" - then I tried to move around a little to see how it looked.
And then I was all, "WHAT THE HELL?" - this shirt is the absolute least flattering thing I've ever put on my body. Who does this look good on?
Correct answer: no one.
Look #2
I like this shirt - I think I have this shirt in about 10 different patterns and colors at home. It's a definite thumbs-up for me.
Look #3
And to get all saucy and daring, I threw on a little caplet thing. And I felt like such a hipster!
Look #4
I loved this pattern and this material, but it was a wee big tight on me. Looks pretty good standing there, sucking my gut in, but as soon as I sat down the rolls came popping out all over. Not hot.
Look #5
Definitely a thumbs down! You can totally see my bra and my muffin top pooching out over my jeans. I know what you're thinking, "just wear a tank underneath" but no. I don't want to buy a shirt that I have to wear another shirt underneath it just to be decent in public.
Look #6
Okay, here's thing about this shirt: I do not wear belts of any kind. Not on my pants, not around my shirts. But I know this is trendy, so I figured I'd give it a try. Looks so-so from the front, right? Not too bad?
Well look at the side-view:
My back-fat is totally munching on some belt. Not exactly hot in my book. I think I'll live this trend to the hipsters and skinny bitches.
Look #7
This shirt, as corny as it is, is totally up my alley! I feel like John Travolta (obviously) and very comfortable.
And as you can see, the best part:
No back-fat, baby!
Look #8
This top? I love it. I love everything about it. It's black. It's flattering. It's black. It's girly. It's black. I die.
Look #9
And to finish off our fashion show, I thought I'd try on a dress - but I wasn't about to take my pants off because then you'd see my pale white legs and lovely, unshaven hairs. So this is what you get. I feel like a total hippie in this dress, and not the good kind. The cheap, trying-too-hard, polyester version.
And double-whammy:
Why, yes, I did just have a baby. Eight months ago.
As you can see, clearly I have zero fashion sense. But I do have a sense of humor. And that makes any trip to the dressing room a little bit more tolerable!
you...are a nut.
ReplyDeleteYou're so funny! I loved this post :)
ReplyDeleteThe truth will set you free :) I always be honest with myself in the dressing room; and why stress about clothes that don't fit or flatter. I say, "have fun with it" no matter what size you are!
DeleteThanks gal!