13 again

one of the many conversations...
Nov. 17, 2008

one of the many conversations we had coming home in the car today got me thinking: if i could back and re-start my life at any age i wanted, which age would i choose?

i just spit out the age 13 - because it seemed logical at that moment. if i knew then what i know now, my childhood would be totally different. i definitely would NOT have embarrassed myself so many times over stupid stuff. i would've learned what really matters in life - and i would've taken 1,000 more pictures and held onto to so many more memories. there's something so magical about that age - when you're just starting to form your own personal identity and create your own "signature" style in life. most kids are too afraid to branch out and become someone unique and different - lord knows i tried to fit in with EVERYONE. and i think i did for the most part: i kind of floated around being the mediator. i was never in the middle of any exact thing, but somehow always in the middle of everything. 13 just seems like the jumping point of life to me: people finally start to give you a little attention for the things you say and do - you can finally start to break out of that "kid" mold and become someone totally new. if i had known then that there was so much possibility at that point, heaven knows where my life would be right now.

but that's the thing: thinking back on it now, there were plenty of people telling me to "treasure those moments" and to "make my mark" and to "seize every opportunity" BUT DID I LISTEN. maybe to some of it - when i wanted to. but i never really sat down and thought about what they were saying. it's almost like i didn't believe them. and that scares me poopless. because someday, i'm going to try and tell sidney about these little lessons in life - and i know her first impression will be to dust me off and say "she's old. what can she know?" because that's what little teenage brats do!

honestly: tonight i was thinking about how much i want her to treasure her life. i want her to understand from an early age that this life is precious - that just because she's a kid or a teenager or a young adult, it won't show any mercy. life can end for any of us at any moment and there's nothing we can do about it. now, i know this is heavy stuff and that i'll have to figure out what age to approach the deep part of this subject: but i think she has every right to learn to appreciate her life from the moment she can understand it is her life. why shouldn't she know that every day, kids her age lose the opportunity to grow older? she should know from the get-go that we aren't promised anything here on earth: that every breath is a gift, and she can't wait until she's 20 or 40 or 65 to start acknowledging the fact that we're all lucky to still be here - that it's a gift and it must be regarded with the utmost respect and love.

sure, growing up is a pain. growing up is fun. once we grow up, we think back about how we wish we could've grown up differently. or we treasure the fact that we got to grow up in such a wonderful way. but the point is - at least we got to grow up at all. there are so many children out there who never get that chance. who are we to mock our lives by wishing we could go back and change things? we should all just enjoy what we have - never wish for days gone by. only wish and hope and pray and dream of days for tomorrow. that's my philosophy - all from a simple ride home in the car.