I let myself feel this way, and I shouldn't

Sometimes I'm a very ugly person.

And I don't mean bad-breath, messy-hair, zit-face kind of ugly. I mean, ugly from the inside. My beauty is not even skin deep sometimes.

I read things, hear things - bad things that people are going through or thinking about or dealing with. And I feel a twinge of happiness for their struggles. I think to myself, "serves them right". If they've offended me or upset me or I know some dirty secret they try to keep to themselves - I let myself feel better when they begin to feel worse.

And that's ugly. Rotten, horrible, disgusting. I am not that kind of person - or at least that's what I tell myself 99% of the time. But apparently, sometimes I am that person. Sometimes I am the mean girl, the bitch. Sometimes I let myself become a nasty, rude, self-indulgent, high and mighty person.

I've got to keep better tabs on myself. I'd be lying through my teeth if I said I plan to never feel this way again - I'm sure I will. We all do, we all have at some point in our lives. But it's my personal goal to go above and beyond myself when I get low like this. I want to "x" out these bad thoughts and feelings with 100 better, happier feelings. I want to start dwelling on the positive in my life and in other people's lives.

I don't want to be that kind of person that is there for my friends when they're going through awful, bad, down on their luck times, and then disappears when they're back to normal. I want to be there all the time, celebrating the good without feelings of jealousy or self-pity. I want to be there during crisis, supporting them and lending a helping hand without judgment. I don't want to build myself up by tearing someone else down.

It feels so juvenile to be having this conversation with myself. But I'm only human. And before I go back to being my seventh-grade self, I want to stop right now. I want to be a better person. And I will, so help me god.