Hold My Hand

Sidney is a physical little being - touch is comforting to her and gives her a sense of calm quicker than any words could ever do. 

She loves to cuddle, to curl up next to you in bed, to be sitting right next to you on the couch so that your legs align perfectly. At times it can drive me absolutely crazy, the constant feel of her next to me, the suffocating feeling that she's in my space. I need some room, please! There are moments when it's too much, and I have to remind her to back up a little and let me breathe. 

There are also moments I miss out on her touch because life is just that way. She loves to hold hands - walking ten or ten-thousand feet, she'd be content to hold my hand the entire time. And most of the time, I just reach down for her hand as an automatic response. I don't even realize we're doing it because it's just become so second-nature. It's when those moments don't happen I start to notice how different I feel. 

Sometimes my hands are just full - of groceries or bags or her rowdy little sister - and I have to tell her "no, I can't". And it's such a trifle, little thing you'd think it wouldn't matter, to her or to me, but it does. I can tell it bothers her when we don't get to hold hands like we normally do. Trust me, it's started to bother me, too. 

And the knowledge that there'll be even less hand-holding soon makes me want to cry. My hands are going to be twice as full pretty soon, and those ritualistic little moments between me and my first-born are going to be even less frequent. Hand-holding will become a special treat instead of the norm. Again, I know it's a trifle little thing - but it's our thing. And the day is coming when she'll absolutely just totally die of embarrassment  MOM, when I reach down for her hand. She'll hate the thought of being seen in public holding my hand, and then hand-holding will become non-existent all together. It's a natural progression of life, of her growing older, and I know I can't resent her for growing up and becoming her own independent self. 

It's just, man. I really love holding her hand. (And no, I don't feel the least bit guilty or cheesy for posting this song. I'm a mom. It's my job.)