[Take Care]

The moments I really feel something hit me hard in the face and heart and knock me over with such force, there's no possible way to ignore them. 

I have general feelings constantly. I generally feel happy. I generally feel loved. I generally feel anxious. But to truly feel an emotion, in the heat of a moment without warning or delay, is blinding. 

I love my kids, love them all day, every day and will continue to love them 'til the day I die. But there are moments when I look at them and love them so hard, it psychically pains me. In those moments, I'm reminded of a million reasons why I love being a mother, why being a mother has made me a better human, and why I'd shrivel up and fade away without these three in my life. 

Sure, I could have taken a different path in life -- a path that led me to never being a mother. That life sometimes beckons to me -- a carefree, reckless spirit that taunts me, tries to tell me I've missed out on so much living by being a young mother. I get jealous of the part of the me that never even existed, and I begin to resent my surroundings. I daydream of a life without all these responsibilities and demands, without sleepless nights and screaming babies. I dream of, for lack of a better word, freedom. 

And then I see my children, these three innocent beings that took the best parts of me and my husband, and magically came to in a world of hope and love. I see them laugh and smile and play and hold each other. I see them whispering and touching noses, sharing inside jokes and creating a world around them made only for three. They love each other, so fiercely, and take care of each other, a sentiment I've been preaching to them lately. 

Some day, your daddy and I won't be here -- you have to take care of each other, always. 

I see my children and I love them, and it hits me like a wave, these emotions come over me -- I feel guilty for ever feeling anything but contentment and joy. I resent myself for resenting myself. I stop and thank every star in the sky, because I am so lucky -- there are so many mothers out there with empty arms, and here my home and heart are full three times over.

I take joy in falling in love with my children, over and over again. In between the routine and the pitfalls and the everyday grind, I am blessed to feel deeply for them at the most spontaneous and unexpected moments. I know there will come a day when I take them for granted again, when I pine for a life that I wasn't meant to live. But deep down, I know -- I will always love my life. I will always love my children. And I will always love the feeling that comes over me when I fall in love with them again. And again and again and again...