Dear Ryan

Ryan has an amazing post up at Pacing the Panic Room this morning. Really, it's quite moving. And it's inpsired me to chime in with my two cents.

I think what Ryan's dealing with is the endless guilt that comes with being a new parent. Yes, I realize he's been LB's step-dad for quite some time now, but it's still not exactly the same as having a child born of your body, made from the fibers of yourself. A step-child is parallel to your other children, equal in almost every way, except for little ways that only you can feel as a parent. This guilt he's feeling is common and well-known and shared by parents all over the world; what I think a lot of people don't realize about this guilt, however, is that is spills out beyond parenting into your professional and personal life. You start to feel guilty about everything. It manages to tie itself into every single aspect of your life, whether you realize it or not.

You find yourself questioning every move, every sentence, every decision you make. You constantly worry about right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable. Who are you really screwing up here? Your kids or yourself? How do you balance all the things you want to do for your children with the things you need to do? How do you incorporate all these ideas and philosophies you have into daily life with your child(ren)? I don't think I can count how many times I said "why?" during those first months with my daughter (sometimes I still find myself saying them without reason).

And that's the main bullet I'm trying to make here: we do these things without reason. Why do we have to even say "why"? Why do we question the way we do things, as parents and as people? Even the least troubled person in the world will find themselves asking the question "why?" when they become parents.

Why can't I do anything right? Why do I sound like such an asshole all the time? Why do people have to comment on everything I do? Why does my kid have to live up to these standards? Why am I doing it this way? Why don't people shut up? Why don't people help out more? Why does my kid do this? Why can't I be more like this? Why? Why? Why?

This guilt, this poisonous guilt that comes with parenting, is the root of all of our why's. We feel guilty for everything, even when we're doing things the "right" and "best" way we can. We try to share our experiences with one another and offer support (and sometimes advice); but then we start to second guess ourselves and think we're unworthy of giving anyone else support/advice. We want to stand up and be proud of ourselves and our parenting skills, but this guilt eats away at us and makes us believe we are useless as parents. We keep saying "why didn't I do things differently".  It's an endless cycle. I don't know that I'll ever feel 100% confident in my success as a parent. I'll always look at my daughter and remember times when I could've done things different, done them better. And I'll ask myself "why was I such an idiot".

Ryan, I think you should know that you are worthy of telling your own story. We are just your readers, your audience. We can follow daily, read every entry, every tweet and article. But that's as personal as our experience gets. We only know your family in the manner that you (and Cole) let us. You shouldn't feel guilty about the way you write. If anything, it is our fault as readers for not looking at things through your eyes; we must put aside our own personal guilts and trials, and be clean states for interpretation. Sure, we can use our own experiences to back up our comments, but they shouldn't get in the way of your story. Personally, I think your blog is beautiful. It's inspiring. You're an honest person telling a raw and honest story of a young family's daily life. It's not glamorous. It's not glossed over and perfected to the point it's unrecognizable. To me, it's genuine and real. And that's what keeps me coming back for more. I enjoy your struggle as a parent, as it helps to remind me that I'm not alone in this realm of guilt and ceaseless questions that begin with "why". I hope you continue to grace us with your words, your thoughts, your hopes for your children. If nothing else, know that you have inspired another reader, another parent, another human being in this world...and for that I am ever grateful.



If you don't read Ryan's blog already, I encourage you to check it out here.