becoming a Mother

Ever since Sidney was about three months old, I've dreamed of baby #2.

Yes, that may seem crazy. I remember a friend of mine dropping in to see us when we first came home with SidMo; her daughter is about three months older than ours. She told me "I'm already ready for another one..."

And I remember thinking "YOU'RE CRAZY!" - I might've even said something along those lines to her. She just lauged and said, "You'll see".

Of course, she was right. As crazy as it seemed at the time (and seems now) I was ready for another baby then. Even though I definitely was nowhere near being ready in actuality. In my mind, the time was right and I was ready again.

That's probably got to do with some sort of animalistic instinct, right? Some sort of motherly need from prehistoric times or something? I have no idea where it came from, but baby fever was upon me fast. Of course, there was no way we were having another baby. One unplanned suprise was enough; we didn't need two.

So here we are, almost two and a half years later - we're married, we're out on our own. We're talking more and more about that baby #2. If Justin still had his job and things were a little bit more stable, I'd almost be willing to try again. Almost.

The more we talk about it and the more I think about it, the more it terrifies me to have another child. I'm not worried about the sleepless nights or the screaming infant or the messy diapers. That all passes before you can blink.

The thing that terrifies me the most is being the mother of two children. To this very day, I'm constantly evolving as a parent. Every day is a new adventure, a new road I'm lead down by my daughter. I watch her and study her to figure out what kind of parent I need to be for her. I mold myself to fit her. I adapt to her and her needs. That may be backwards of me, but I want to be the kind of parent she wants.

I always thought I'd be such a strict parent, the kind that felt no remorse for spanking or putting my child "in line". I thought my children would walk the line I set before them and that they'd be courteous, kind, respectful, obedient children. God, I was delusional.

My parenting these days is so drastically different from what I thought I'd be. I am such a "hippie" parent sometimes, it makes me laugh. We co-sleep. SidMo is still in diapers. She still sucks a pacifier. I don't really spank that much (only in dire circumstances). She can throw a fit in public, and it really doesn't mortify me like I thought it would.

I'm all about letting her grow in her own time. I have a million reservations about pushing her too hard into anything. Justin keeps harping about getting rid of the paci; and I'm not too concerned about it. She'll let go of it in her own time. Everyone is on our case about getting her potty-trained. And while I know it's where she's headed and it's the right thing to do, I just can't push her into doing it. She's almost ready, but she's not there yet.

And it doesn't bother me in the least bit.

I remember when she was a little baby, I'd worry every month that she wasn't hitting her milestones in time. I remember freaking out to my Mom about what was "normal" and if Sidney was "on schedule". It seems like night and day to me now.

These days, I follow her lead. I let her go and let her grow on her own time. I don't stress about her being ahead of the curve or falling behind. I trust in the fact that she'll get there. Eventually. Someday. I don't worry about the rest.

I started this post talking about baby #2 and here I am babbling on about my baby #1.

The point I really wanted to make was, I'm afraid that I'll have two totally different children and I won't know how to adapt to both of them at the same time.

I'm completely freaking out that my kids will be night and day of each other; and I've spent so much time trying to figure out how to be a good mother to Sidney, that I won't know how to be a good mother to another child. I don't doubt I'll love them equally; I know that my heart has room for a million more kids. It's just that I'm worried about mothering them differently. I'm worried that I'll be cheating one of them by not being able to mold myself into what they both need, individually and together.

Is that a crazy worry? Am I insane for thinking things won't just click into place? Shouldn't I just trust this free-flowing mindframe I'm in and believe in the knowledge that somehow I'll be able to just do it (like they say at Nike)?

It's a scary thought process - one I'm still struggling to conquer and overcome. Baby #2 will happen for us eventually, someday I hope. Until then, I can only work on perfecting my mothering skills. I can continue to strive to be a good parent to my SidMo. And I can do nothing else but hope that nature will run its course.

And through these streams and creeks and rivers and oceans of parenting, somehow I'll find my way. If nothing else, I've always got my firstborn, my baby #1, my Sidney Morgan to guide me.