now.

It's hard for me to imagine there was a time, not so long ago, when I couldn't figure out my feelings for this little girl. There was a time when I felt kind of numb towards her, felt this guilt that I wasn't madly in love with her. She was just "there", and I just felt very indifferent towards her. It's embarrassing to say, but it's honest. I didn't have those familiar feelings I had when Sidney was born. I didn't feel that rush of love and that inseparable bond with her. 

But now? Now? 

Now there is nothing but this deep-rooted, endless love. Now, I feel like she's this extension of me, in some ways more so than Sidney. Sidney is my heart. Rhealen is my soul. With them, I'm complete. Rhealen is different than Sidney, in more ways than one, but mostly in her way of loving and being with others. Sidney is totally open to everyone, she never meets a stranger and would willingly go with and to anyone. Rhealen is more reserved; she has favorites and doesn't open to everyone the same way Sidney always has. She's attached to a small group of family members and prefers them over anyone else. 

And above all? She prefers me. The feeling I get when she sees me and I see her and our eyes light up - it's indescribable. She gets the biggest gummy grin across her face, her legs go to wildly kicking and she squeals with pure delight. It's intoxicating. I had forgotten this. I've forgotten so much since Sidney was a baby, apparently. 

I have no reservations now, no feelings of angst or guilt that I'm not feeling the way I should. I'm madly in love with both my daughters, each in their special little ways. My  heart is full, there's not an ounce left over to give or receive. And I'm thankful for those weeks of doubt; if anything, they proved to me that we all mother differently. We all feel differently. There is no one right way of doing or feeling anything. I have gained so much compassion and understanding for mothers who go through PPD or any mother who isn't feeling the way she expected to or wanted to feel. I've been there, to some degree or another, and I came through. To the other mothers out there, you will get through it, too. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

And there are also sweet babies, like mine, waiting for you.