words cannot express the feeling

I'm going to try to keep my thoughts focused and my words clear. Lately, I've been hanging out on twitter as I mentioned last time and I have to say it's been joyous. I love interacting globally with people, some similar to me and some complete opposites. I realize it's all internet interaction and some of it may be totally false, but there's a sense of friendship among the folks over at twitter, and I for one enjoy partaking in it. There is a downside to all of this merriment and connection, however. Life isn't roses and sunshine all the time. As much as I enjoy learning about these people and hearing their amazing tales of life, some stories are heartbreaking. Lately's there's been a lot of grief over the death of a beautiful little angel named Maddie (please check out her site by clicking on her name). I knew nothing of this family and their struggle, but in the days after her death, I have become attatched to this story and these people. It is achingly painful and I wish there was a way to do more for them in this time of need; mind you, I've never met these people. I've never even spoke with them, not even on twitter. But like so many others out there, I have read their stories and become aware of their loss. It is so heartbreaking - and I hope they find comfort somewhere over the next few weeks.

Life is so delicate, and lately I've been feeling guilty for having such a blessed life. I've done nothing extraordinary to deserve what I have and the luck that has been bestowed upon me. When I was pregnant, I used to feel so guilty for having a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. I was pregnant by suprise - it wasn't planned or desired at that time in my life. But it happened, and I was thankful. I was also so conflicted because I knew there were women out there who were trying so hard to have children of their own with no results. Why did I deserve this? What made me so special? Our children are gifts, and all too often I think we overlook that small but mighty detail. They were given to us - not the other way around. I just keep battling with myself over whether or not I should feel happy or sad. It's an agonizing feeling as a parent and as a person in general. I want to feel so thankful and happy for my healthy little girl, but when I read these people's stories, it just breaks my heart. What did they do to deserve such misery? Nothing, I'm sure. From what I can tell, they were amazing parents who loved their darling little daughter from the moment they met her. It's unfair beyond words, and I'm really hating the powers that be right now.

If you're a parent out there right now, and even if you're not, please just remember to cherish those little ones around you. They are so innocent and so deserving of our love and affection. Are we deserving of theirs? That's an entirely different question. I can only hope that my daughter continues to love me as she has from the moment I met her: unconditionally. I know I don't deserve it...but I'm so thankful she does anyway.